Let's talk about Patrick Stewart's penis (and his beef with Donald Trump)

Let’s talk about Patrick Stewart’s penis. I like to think it’s magnificent yet approachable, sophisticated yet crowd-pleasing, subtle yet deeply enthralling, with a slight hint of whimsy, just like everything Patrick Stewart touches.


Judging from all the fanfic out there, a great many people imagine it’s amazingly versatile and prolific as well, spanning every gender, species, and fandom in creation.

Captain Picard awoke alone, utterly spent, and wondering when Pinkie Pie would again visit the Enterprise…

So, imagine my surprise when my daily Google search for “Patrick Stewart’s penis” turned up several actual news sites. It seems the internet isn’t the only place where people have been speculating wildly—and wrongly—about Sir Patrick’s genitalia. A very similar activity has taken place in the bedroom of the man himself, with one party saying, “That there is a circumcised penis,” and the other saying, “No, it isn’t, honey. It’s a sea cucumber.”

My search for the perfect sea cucumber photo came to a happy ending.

Who’s right? Before you start taking sides and placing bets, you should know that party #1 is the great and noble Patrick Stewart, Oxford educated and intimately familiar with his own privates since, oh, probably age 12 or so. He’s captain of Team Patrick Stewart Is Definitely Circumcised. There couldn’t be a more expert source on the matter, no?

Then again, the other party is his wife, who, one hopes, has studied the matter in detail. She’s leading Team Turtleneck.

Patrick Stewart, 76, and his wife, 38. Yet another way he’s more awesome than you.

To discover who was right, Sir Patrick consulted his personal physician. Diagnosis: Intact!

Yes, much to his own surprise, Patrick Stewart’s penis remains pristine and unmarred. Please adjust your fanfic and personal fantasies accordingly.

Hey, remember when Patrick Stewart was in Dune? Not sure what made me think of that right now.

Speaking of dicks, Donald Trump has inspired Patrick Stewart to apply for U.S. citizenship so he can more directly oppose the president’s agenda through donations and voting. Stealing Sir Patrick away from those limey Brits just might go down in the history books as Trump’s first and only foreign policy victory.

It was less than a year ago that Stewart was tweeting throwaway jokes about Trump and assuring us in interviews that Trump’s “antics” could not “possibly be taken seriously.”

Sorry, Cap’n, that’s two dicks you entirely misjudged.

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