Let’s Imagine A Terrible Backstory For This Anthropologie Model

Let's Imagine A Terrible Backstory For This Anthropologie Model

Walking on Venice Beach, Melissa saw Baxter making out with a girl she didn’t recognize. Furious, she stalked up to the pair, kicking sand in their faces and upsetting the box of Franzia on their blanket. She didn’t care who heard the animal scream that emerged from the depths of her being. She was livid.

“The fuck?” Baxter said, looking up in rage. When he recognized his wife, his expression turned to horror.

“My God,” he whispered. “Melissa. I’m so sorry. Please, not the axe.”

“What axe?” the girl on the blanket squealed. “Who’s Melissa?”

Melissa withdrew the miniature axe she always kept wrapped in velvet and tucked inside her vagina. As she bludgeoned Baxter to death, she made sure not to get any of his blood and gore on her beautiful pullover-style pink dress.

“Oh my fuck!” the girl on the blanket shrieked. “You’re a fucking monster!”

Melissa swiftly strangled the young lady with her tasteful brass and white jade Altadena necklace. Then she smiled at a passing surfer.

“Wanna ride the waves?” the surfer asked, making deep and meaningful eye contact.

“Death to all men,” Melissa whispered, and chopped his head off.

The Costa Swing Dress retails for $118.00.

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  • $113808841

    kicking sand in their faces

    Clearly someone isn’t familiar with Mr. Charles Atlas and his course on Dynamic Tension.

    • glasspusher

      In just seven days…

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Oh, well. You know what they say: Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.

  • aureolaborealis

    You’ve got a future writing ad copy … you know, if this editrix thing doesn’t pan out.

  • Pookums

    How about this backstory: imagine the photographer was Terry Richardson.

  • TheJonesest

    Bret Easton Ellis, is that you?

  • BigRedDog

    I would stream that on netflix.

  • runfastandwin

    OTOH $118 is a pretty good price for that dress right?

  • talkingatthetv

    can we stop hating women I don’t mean to censor, but I wonder what it would be like if for like a month women stopped trashing women when they wrote stuff for social media

    • Haribo Lector


  • glasspusher

    Sometimes a dress is just a dress.

  • M H

    Please tell me this is going to be in your YA adaptation of Middlemarch.

  • MS47

    Also, sad retainer mishap caused her to lisp all of this.