May 29, 2018
Leonard Part 6 (1987) (part 14 of 15)
Leonard and Allison hide on a catwalk, watching Medusa’s goons report status to each other like “Possums in Piedmont awaiting orders!” and “Caterpillars on the march in Sacramento!” But in both cases, would anyone really notice? I kid, I kid. It’s nothing personal, Northern Californians, just some friendly ribbing from a SoCal resident. By the way, do people still say “hella” a lot up there?
Me Have No Eyebrow says the “countdown to Quelish” is on, and for some reason, the countdown is ticking off on a basketball scoreboard. And the home team currently has 52 points, er, I mean, there’s 52 seconds until “Quelish”.
Meanwhile, Leonard and Allison get the jump on a couple of animal trainer goons so they can slip into their uniforms. Back at the countdown, No Eyebrow Dude says, “Quelish in twenty seconds!” Cut to Leonard sitting idly by while Allison checks her makeup in a compact, ha ha. Those crazy women, always worrying about makeup at the worst possible moment! Eventually, they both jump on a horse and ride off.
The final seconds to Quelish count down. Medusa has her hands gripped around a lever, and as the countdown reaches the end, she demands that someone “banana [her]”. As in, feed her a banana, but that really could have gone in a much more repulsive direction.
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Mr. Have You Seen My Eyebrows eagerly says, “Five… Quelish… three… Quelish… two…” Don’t ask me why they needed a countdown in the first place to… whatever’s about to happen, but before they reach zero, Leonard and Allison ride the horse straight through the map of California, which we’re now learning was made of glass. Oh, no! Without that map, how is Medusa going to know what she’s destroying?
Another question: If Leonard and Allison were just going to blatantly ride through the map like that, what was the point of disguising themselves as Medusa’s goons?
Leonard and Allison somehow shove Medusa away from the lever and grab the Sphere almost simultaneously. Leonard gets off the horse and starts brawling with some gymnastics goons, and let me tell you, a middle-aged Bill Cosby in a brawl is about as exciting as you’d imagine.
Medusa tries to grab the Sphere away from Allison, but she gets hit in the head with, and I’m not kidding here, a knotted rope. This happens complete with a boiii-ooiing noise dubbed in and everything. Getting hit by this knot even causes Medusa to fall to the ground unconscious [!] and wow, that must have been one tight knot. Allison tosses the Sphere to Leonard, who tells her to go free all the animals.
More goons run at Leonard, but he sees a sign on the wall that says NO MEAT (which sort of sums up this plot, when you think about it). So he pulls out the hamburger patties Nurse Carvalho gave him, and they’ve got the traditional color sparkle effect. He yells, “Meat!” And the panicked goons all reply in unison, “Meat!” He says, “100% pure beef!” and they all say in unison, “Beef!” I hear it’s what’s for dinner.
Leonard then smashes the hamburger patties against the goons’ heads and chests, and for some reason the patties start glowing bright red. The goons cry out in pain, and one guy pulls away the patty on his chest to reveal he’s now been branded with the USDA 100% Beef logo. And again, I’m just telling you what I see here. I might be a little drunk as I’m writing this, but never in my worst alcohol-induced haze could I have imagined anything as insane as this.
Meanwhile, Allison opens up all the kennels and stables and cages, and suddenly the place is overrun with cattle, dogs, pigs, it’s a veritable Animal Farm, all set to a theme from an old Western. Lobsters, sheep, frogs, ostriches, and geese all pour out of the front entrance of International Tuna, where, for some reason, cop cars are already assembled. How did they know to come here, exactly?
There’s even several seconds spent watching a bird gnaw out of its own cage. Why the bird never did that before is anyone’s guess. And why half a minute of screentime was wasted on that shot is even more of a guess.
Back inside the lair, Leonard is still assaulting poor goons with hamburger patties, including a guy who whimpers the memorable line, “Don’t burger me!” Pardon me, but I believe the line is, “Don’t burger me, bro.”
But Mr. No Eyebrows isn’t afraid of a little meat, and he steps forward to deal with Leonard personally. Unfortunately for him, Leonard pulls out his sparkly wiener. I’m talking about the one that the nurse gave him, you deviants. Though I have heard rumors that Bill Cosby’s genitals really shimmer if you look at them in the right light.
Mr. Eyebrow-Less just scoffs at this, and he even audaciously takes a bite of the wiener.
He chews for a while, and then…
Okay, I know you’ll think I’m just making this up, but his head explodes. No, I’m serious. That’s not just wishful thinking on my part, I swear! After years and years spent watching talentless actors in awful movies and thinking to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great if his head just spontaneously exploded?” it finally happens. Excuse me while I wipe this tear from my eye.
But instead of brains and blood flying everywhere, sawdust [??] sprays all over the place, and now the guy’s headless body is dancing around. Then the headless body actually comes after Leonard [!]. What in the hell is going on here?
Leonard tosses a meat patty at the NO MEAT sign, which causes a fire to break out. But of course. This fire in turn somehow causes every piece of equipment to explode into a shower of sparks, and—Okay, let me guess. They just didn’t give a shit at this point, did they?
Meanwhile, there are slow motion shots of animals continuing to escape from the lair. For some reason, Frayn, Nurse Carvalho, and Joan are all waiting around outside. What the hell? Why is Joan here?
Inside, Leonard is trying to, um, do the thing with the thing. I’d rather not get into it. But along comes Andy with a machine gun, ready to take Leonard out and in the process become my new personal hero.
He fires point blank at Leonard, but somehow can’t hit him. And down goes Andy’s stock in my eyes. You know, for a guy who loves to talk about killing as much as Andy, he sure does choke when it comes time to actually do it.
But it turns out Andy is able to say something else besides “Kill him!” Specifically, “Death to all mankind!” There’s not much variety in his topics of conversation, is there? He must be a lot of fun at parties.
We cut to another angle and see Andy’s firing an old fashioned tommygun at Leonard. Interesting choice of weapon. And by “interesting” I mean “not nearly as funny as the filmmakers thought it would be”. But Leonard is saved when Andy rolls his wheelchair to the edge of a vat of red liquid, and the momentum accidentally sends him tumbling in. So, um, way to go, Leonard.
By the way, it seems that Andy’s legs were completely fake, because only his torso tumbles into the vat. This is good information to have, wouldn’t you say?
As Andy’s torso sinks into the red goo, Leonard pulls the bottle of Alka Seltzer out of Andy’s wheelchair and tosses a couple of tablets into the vat. Presumably, Leonard is just doing this out of some sense of poetic justice, or pouring a forty to Andy’s memory, or something like that.
But the tablets soon start a chemical reaction that Leonard clearly wasn’t expecting. So once again, way to go, Leonard. It’s always great to see heroes bumble their way into success.