Nov 6, 2014
Where's my Legend remake, Hollywood?
I just stared at her. It’s really all I could do. “What do you mean ‘you’ve never seen Legend’?”
This started a chain reaction in the chat where my other friends began to chime in with the phrase I once thought unutterable. Excuse me? What do you mean, “What’s Legend?” It’s only the Holy Grail of 1980s fantasy films. Legend was inspiring artists and making Tim Curry famous before your precious Lord of the Rings adaptation was but a twinkle in Peter Jackson’s eye. So I set out to solve the problem the only way I knew how: I had a movie watching tea party*. I called it “The Legend-ary Tea Party” because I’m clever like that.
[*Don’t judge me, tea parties are awesome.]
Legend is a 1985 hodgepodge of every fantasy cliché ever. It stars a baby Tom Cruise and Mia Sara of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off fame as forest boy Jack and Princess Lily. Together, they have to stop the Lord of Curry—I mean, Darkness, from destroying the daytime by killing the only two unicorns left in the world. What? I didn’t say it was good. I said it was awesome.
To summarize, most of my friends were confused and/or laughed hysterically throughout the entire movie. But the conversation afterward—somewhere between our tea and the sandwich course—was what really intrigued me. In a movie landscape completely obsessed with remakes, why hasn’t Legend been remade? And who would we cast as our intrepid heroes?
I had actually forgotten how bad Tom Cruise’s acting was in this. He wanders around the set looking vacuous and hunky. His character is that he’s an innocent simpleton who gets wrapped up in a great war between good and evil. I think Kristen Stewart has proven she can play that role quite well. Okay, main protagonist acquired. But who will be our Lily?
Lily is never actually established as a princess, but damn it if those bell sleeves don’t scream otherwise. She’s a naïve lady with no concept of sin or corruption, and spends most of her days frolicking around the land being annoying to the peasants. Not only is she annoying, but blissfully unaware of what a nuisance she is. If that’s not princess mentality, I don’t know what is. Mia Sara was cast because she was pretty and young and oh-so-popular with the kiddies. Who could possibly fill her shoes as our gender-swapped pretty, pretty princess?
Not that these two are the reason anyone remembers this movie…
Oh Tim, we love you. You made this movie awesome. The Lord of Darkness, simply called “Darkness” in the film, is the quintessential villain. He exists only because he must, to be the opposite to light and good. Evil for the sake of being evil. He owns it like a supernatural drag queen. I’m not sure anyone could ever truly fill your cloven hooves. Except… maybe…
There are other characters to be cast, but really, once Benedict has entered the conversation I usually can’t comprehend much. Throw in a musical score by Tangerine Dream and you’ve got yourself one hell of a remake. Would it be good? Probably not, no. But if it had a plot of any kind, it would be an improvement. For the love of god, who do I throw money at?!
What say you? Who would you cast if they remade Legend?