Where's my Legend remake, Hollywood?

I just stared at her. It’s really all I could do. “What do you mean ‘you’ve never seen Legend’?”

Caption contributed by Nycea

Legend is a 1985 movie starring two unicorns and Tim Curry as the Lord of Darkness. I’m not sure what else you need to know.

This started a chain reaction in the chat where my other friends began to chime in with the phrase I once thought unutterable. Excuse me? What do you mean, “What’s Legend?” It’s only the Holy Grail of 1980s fantasy films. Legend was inspiring artists and making Tim Curry famous before your precious Lord of the Rings adaptation was but a twinkle in Peter Jackson’s eye. So I set out to solve the problem the only way I knew how: I had a movie watching tea party*. I called it “The Legend-ary Tea Party” because I’m clever like that.

[*Don’t judge me, tea parties are awesome.]

Legend is a 1985 hodgepodge of every fantasy cliché ever. It stars a baby Tom Cruise and Mia Sara of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off fame as forest boy Jack and Princess Lily. Together, they have to stop the Lord of Curry—I mean, Darkness, from destroying the daytime by killing the only two unicorns left in the world. What? I didn’t say it was good. I said it was awesome.

To summarize, most of my friends were confused and/or laughed hysterically throughout the entire movie. But the conversation afterward—somewhere between our tea and the sandwich course—was what really intrigued me. In a movie landscape completely obsessed with remakes, why hasn’t Legend been remade? And who would we cast as our intrepid heroes?

Caption contributed by Nycea

That dead stare, that loose jaw… it’s like I’m seeing double.

I had actually forgotten how bad Tom Cruise’s acting was in this. He wanders around the set looking vacuous and hunky. His character is that he’s an innocent simpleton who gets wrapped up in a great war between good and evil. I think Kristen Stewart has proven she can play that role quite well. Okay, main protagonist acquired. But who will be our Lily?

Lily is never actually established as a princess, but damn it if those bell sleeves don’t scream otherwise. She’s a naïve lady with no concept of sin or corruption, and spends most of her days frolicking around the land being annoying to the peasants. Not only is she annoying, but blissfully unaware of what a nuisance she is. If that’s not princess mentality, I don’t know what is. Mia Sara was cast because she was pretty and young and oh-so-popular with the kiddies. Who could possibly fill her shoes as our gender-swapped pretty, pretty princess?

Caption contributed by Nycea

It works on so many levels, it hurts.

Not that these two are the reason anyone remembers this movie…

Caption contributed by Nycea

This curry is extra spicy.

Oh Tim, we love you. You made this movie awesome. The Lord of Darkness, simply called “Darkness” in the film, is the quintessential villain. He exists only because he must, to be the opposite to light and good. Evil for the sake of being evil. He owns it like a supernatural drag queen. I’m not sure anyone could ever truly fill your cloven hooves. Except… maybe…

Caption contributed by Nycea

No, you stop talking about Benedict Cumberbatch.

There are other characters to be cast, but really, once Benedict has entered the conversation I usually can’t comprehend much. Throw in a musical score by Tangerine Dream and you’ve got yourself one hell of a remake. Would it be good? Probably not, no. But if it had a plot of any kind, it would be an improvement. For the love of god, who do I throw money at?!

What say you? Who would you cast if they remade Legend?

You may also like...

  • JD

    I think you may miss the point on remakes.
    they do bad remakes of good movies, not the other way around.
    as for the cast
    it would have to be a pair of new comers.

    • Magdalen

      They remade Freaky Friday, and that movie is awful.

      • JD

        several times.

  • Jennifer Roberts

    Okay, as much as I love Benedict, I can’t see him as the Darkness. No matter how hard he believes in a thing… well, you know. Instead, I’d get Alan Rickman or Bill Nighy in that juicy role and let them go nuts. For Jack and Lily I agree that no name actors would be good, but I’d look to stage actors rather than the cookie-cutter starlets in training we see on screen these days. The tricky parts would be Gump and Oona since we’d need young actors barely out of childhood that can actually act well enough to convey the fae immortality of these characters.

    And my husband has no suggestions since “in 1985 I was busy having a penis.”

    • Magdalen

      “in 1985 I was busy having a penis.” Best reaction ever. <3 I love Rickman and Nighy, but I don't know if men of their er, maturity, could pull of the raw animalistic power Darkness is supposed to bring. I mean look at those abs! Both would do amazing voice work though.

      • Thomas Stockel

        Hmph. They’ve been making prosthetic man parts for years; just look at Khan’s chest in Star Trek II. Or fifty eight year old Ron Perlman in Hellboy II? But yeah, I kinda see your point; Alan and Bill aren’t exactly oozing with sexual magnetism. But then who would have expected it from Dr. Frank N. Furter?

        • Cristiona

          Those weren’t a prosthetic in ST2. Ricardo was just ripped.

    • Thomas Stockel

      Your husband is awesome. Does he have a blog espousing his Manly insights? I must know!

  • $36060516

    Today instead of Tangerine Dream they would hire Nicki Minaj. Her “Va Va Voom” video was a practice run. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U72hzeBLOw

    • Magdalen

      WOW. You’re right- that video was taken straight out of Legend! Can we have the video without.. Nicki Minaj? lol

  • The_Stig

    I’d cast an unknown as Jack
    For Lily I’d go with Jenna Louise Coleman
    and Jeremy Irons as Darkness.

    Far as the music goes, I’d definitely use a prog soundtrack.

  • 30yoandgoingfast

    Michael Fassbender as Darkness, Andrew Garfield or Ben Barnes as Jack, The dancing black dress had better acting ability then the original lily, so it doesn’t matter who, but the hot girl from GIJOE Retaliation can’t act, and is really hot, so that seems perfect. The Gump should be played by anyone, does not have to be a kid. And I suggest a blue/green light for oona the fairy, maybe with some pulsating. The fact is this movie will never be remade because it is awesome, and even if it is, it will be a CG and suck, like Tron 2 sucked, and give you the same feeling that you feel when you hear an Akira Live action movie might be made, in New York, with white people….I about threw up just writing that….Anyway, Darkness is one of the best Villians of all time, no one can challege that. If Mr. Fassbender did, it would be good, but no curry.

  • Range Rover

    I would be fucking disgusted if they remade Legend. This movie is damn good and it really did play to every stereotypical Fantasy RPG game out there: Clueless hero, Clueless princess, random fairy-based support characters, actual sexy and annoying fairy guiding the hero, an evil plot to kill something pure, and of course a villain worthy of praise! The fuck-wits at Hollywood would only kill this damn movie if they remade it and in turn they would turn this masterpiece into a fucking garbage-truck like they’re doing with Robocop.

  • Kendra Wayt

    I don’t know if a remake of Legend is a good idea or not but I know for a fact that there is way too much f*cking glitter in that movie!… not to mention the whale sounds (apparently unicorns sound like whales.) Lol xD

  • Silk Drops

    Here is my take on the remake
    Keep the original tangerine themes and then add a little twist of unknown songs.after that unknown actors and actresess and bring back tim currey as the darkness. He made me believe. Isnt that what performance is all about? Give jack a fox that does more then sit in his lap
    Create great cgi pigmey unicorns. Sence small lion tail unicorns were a big thing in medeval times! Make the audience believe it could happen. Thank you for reading . Smiles

  • $36060516

    “It’s only the Holy Grail of 1980s fantasy films.”

    Just to be an asshole as usual, some alternate suggestions for that honor.

    * Time Bandits
    * The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
    * The Navigator: A Medieval Odyssey
    * Santa Sangre

    EDIT: Just realized this article is a year old and I already commented on it back then. I’m going nuts. :-(

  • Leah Camren

    i love this movie, its my all time favorite and i know it damn near word for word; and i love tim curry in so many ways than one :) this movie was fantastic, regardless of what anyone says; especially being an 80’s baby; but i would love to see this movie redone ONLY if the cast is worth using. sorry, Tom was better than most, and it could only get worse. So i am pick about what to expect from something like this being remade. Shoot, it even got me an A in my Drama class just using 3 different scenes as a monologue skit.

  • Jade

    I have always loved Legend! If it was up to me I’d release it again in theater for the world to see on the big screen!… but I can see that it has tons of potential to be a remake especially now…I would cast Elle Fanning as Lily Tom hardy as darkness…for the role of Jack I don’t know yet no one comes to mind…