Mar 15, 2021
You know you want to watch this Flowers in the Attic trailer (and also do sex on your brother)
We bet you woke up thinking “Wow, I sure hope today is the day that Lifetime finally releases that full trailer for Flowers in the Attic, they’ve been teasing that forever.” We know, because that is our first thought upon leaping out of bed every morning. And now it’s here! And it is as terribawesome as you can imagine. Yes, your favorite childhood tale of murder, incest, and attic living is now a teevee movie as you’ve always dreamed.
Is it full of people that you really thought could probably get better work these days, like Ellen Burstyn and Heather Graham? Yep!
Although maybe we’re being a bit too hopeful about Graham, since her career trajectory has been steadily downward.
Does it also star Don’s daughter in Mad Men, Kiernan Shipka, so that next time you watch that show, you’ll only be able to be thinking about her having incest feels? Yep!
Does it also have a really creepy dirgelike cover of “Sweet Child of Mine” in the trailer? Yep! (It’s by Taken By Trees. Yes, it’s that chick from the Concretes singing. See? We saved you some googling).
Is there already a sequel in the works? Yep, because there were five books, so this could go on for a while.
We’re fully aware this thing is nothing but a glorified Thought Catalog piece come alive for television. You’ll watch it because the trailer has things like “The Book You Were Forbidden to Read” and you will think “uh-huh but I did anyway because Patty Jordenson brought it to school and we passed it around.” You’ll watch it because you are dying to see if there’s a stick of furniture left in the room after Burstyn chews all the scenery as evil grandma. And you’ll totally watch it for the incest sex. Pervs.