May 15, 2019
KISS, Elton John, And Your Mom Should Have Aborted These Five Disco Songs
Remember disco? Yes, yes, of course you do. You own the latest Daft Punk record, which could have come out 35 years ago and would have been a mid-tempo classic. No matter how old you are, you know all the words to Stayin’ Alive. But if you didn’t live through disco’s heyday, you have NO IDEA how much ill-advised disco there was. Everybody did a disco song. LITERALLY everybody. Your mom did a disco song. (Your mom is hot.) We’ve collected some of the best — and by best we of course mean worst — for your earhole pleasure. We’ve provided you with a handy ranking of each song on our Bad Idea-o-Meter, with one being completely happynicetime, five being meh, and ten being oh dear god why why why.
Omitted from the list: one-hit disco era wonders, because those weren’t as much ill-advised as just unsurprising cash-in attempts. Also omitted, disco songs by non-disco artists that were legit awesome, like Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy.
Kiss – I Was Made for Lovin’ You
OK, it isn’t a terrible song. It’s just so…weird. You’re KISS! You breathe fire and pour blood everywhere. Your bassist’s claim to fame is having slept with like 4000 women. Was disco really for you?
Bad Idea-o-Meter Ranking: 6, because KISS should have just recorded Detroit Rock City over and over forever Amen.
Wings – Goodnight Tonight
One of the most inexplicable of the bunch, video-wise. There’s some sort of Golden Age of Radio thing happening and Paul’s hair is slicked back in the most unappealing way imaginable. If you don’t want to punch him in the first 45 seconds of the video, you have no pulse.
Bad Idea-o-Meter Ranking: 9. It would have been 8 but seriously, that video.
Eartha Kitt – Where Is My Man?
Actually, it isn’t entirely certain that this one should be on here. We mean, Eartha Kitt. EARTHA KITT. She practically invented sexy acquisitiveness with “Santa Baby,” and this song is just as perfect:
Where is my baby when will he start?
To use his Visa right to my heart
I’ll give him Carte Blanche
Baby be smart,
Baby, drop your amount in my account
But do it now.
It should not surprise you at all to learn that there was a 12-inch remix of this version that was a staple in gay clubs until…well, until still happening.
Bad Idea-o-Meter: 1. She gets bonus points for the sexy subtle hip-shaking in the vid.
Elton John – Johnny B. Goode
Elton John doing a disco song isn’t actually all that bad an idea, right? He certainly had the outfits and the attitude and the extreme gayness. But a disco cover of Johnny B. Goode? Why on earth would anyone think this was a good idea? Did Elton lose a bet or something? Also, he’s got that weird gay fascist cop outfit thing going that was all the rage in the 1970s, but he still ends up looking like a moon-faced kitten.
Bad Idea-o-Meter: 9, because by definition Elton John disco songs should be better.
Steve Miller Band – Abracadabra
Steve-o got to the disco game a little late, waiting until 1982 to unleash a song with possibly some of the worst lyrics of the modern rock era:
I feel the magic in your caress
I feel magic when I touch your dress
Silk and satin, leather and lace
Black panties with an angel’s face
Combine that with a video so bad it looks like it could almost be a deliberate parody, and you have a solidly awful piece of music history.
Bad Idea-o-Meter: 10, because in the video the horse/unicorn/Pegasus thing in the Steve Miller Band logo actually comes to cartoon life and flies.
Meco – Star Wars Theme Song
Honestly, this is just in here so we had an excuse to post the video, which might be the greatest video of all time. Yes, we’re perfectly aware this isn’t an official video, but is instead from the Dutch version of Solid Gold but we don’t care because seriously, look at this thing.
Bad Idea-o-Meter: Either negative eleventy or eleventy. We’re still not sure.