May 28, 2020
Kids These Days Will Love Shopping At These Hip New Stores With All The Fetuses
Every few years, it seems, evangelical Christians take a run at pop culture and hope they can co-opt the cool factor into awesome loving Jesus time. It usually works out pretty poorly. Remember Stryper?
Hey kids! If you like Van Halen but would like it to be not sexy and minus the epic guitar stylings of Eddie, Stryper is for you! Also, too, Jesus.
Of late, though, the culture warriors have opened up another front in the war for the hearts and souls of the youth, and it is a hip online boutique with the already-bored-now name of Heritage House:
I browsed their online shop for the hottest items in their surprisingly expansive catalog. From fetal models to STD-awareness rulers to a wide selection of T-shirts trumpeting their cause (including some with rhinestones), Heritage House has everything you need to spread the message of life and wear your evangelist heart on your sleeve…
That sounds like a fun way to spend a morning! The folks at Vocativ already found some cool DVDs and some inexplicable Skittles packages with inspirational messages. Skittles? Are Skittles all Jesus-y? Do you find the Lord in their tangy dental-work-wrecking chewiness? The kids these days, they have now already wandered off to rape prostitutes and torture people or whatever the latest edition of Grand Theft Auto now lets you do. If only there were better Jesus products at this link you could have saved all the children. Maybe try to open up like one million other Jesus stores?
How about nice checks with a fetus all over them?
Perfect for the teen in your life who still writes checks, which is absolutely none of them. How about some cool Christmas cards that are supposed to be about how you love the babbys but instead look like you’ve trussed babby up for cooking?
All their little not-Christian tween friends will be sure to prop that card right up next to their laptop where they can see babby while they sext their boyfriends and try to buy Molly online somewhere.
There’s also a store where you can buy pregnancy tests that are probably blessed by the Lord hisself or something.
There’s also…ah, fuck it. All of the sites basically sell the same things: bracelets for Jesus, mugs with fetuses, things that explain that merely thinking about fucking will get you every STD that has ever been found since the beginning of time, and probably one of those super-fun abortion videos that the kids all love to get together and watch.
Toss out that XBox One you were going to buy little Billy. Smash the iPad Air you were going to give little Sally. They’ll dig on the book about how to discipline children way more because that stuff is as hip as can be.