KFC Corporate Headquarters Briefly Restores Faith In Humanity (No, We Are Serious)

KFC Corporate Headquarters Briefly Restores Faith In Humanity (No, We Are Serious)

You know what sucks? People. All people. Everywhere. (Well, except you beautiful people reading this here blog.) But there is a special place in imaginary hell for the patrons of KFC in Jackson, Mississippi. A three-year-old girl got attacked in the face by a pit bull and had facial injuries. Then, on the way back from a doctor’s appointment, her grandmother takes her to KFC, where they are asked to leave because the girl’s face is TOO DISTURBING FOR PEOPLE EATING AT FUCKING KFC. 


Really, people? Really? Are you for serious?

[A] 3-year-old who reportedly was asked to leave one of the company’s Jackson restaurants because her facial injuries disturbed other patrons…

That can’t be true. Maybe this is an exaggeration or something. Because what kind of awful, terrible, sub-human shit-weasels would do such a thing?

She [the girl’s grandmother] says she was then approached by an employee. “They just told us, they said, ‘We have to ask you to leave because her face is disrupting our customers,’ ” she told, WAPT.

So people are totally ok with strapping on feed bags and shoveling a bowl of mashed potatoes, cheese, fried chicken, and gravy into ginormous faceholes because they are too goddam lazy to actually eat a meal with separate components, but a little girl with a face injury is too much?

See, this is gross. This should make you want to leave KFC, not a three-year-old girl.

And to make things worse, the corporate office got involved once they learned about it. Oh great. They will probably just hide behind fancy lawyers and claim that gross facial injured little girls can just eat at Arby’s or something. Because all people suck. Go ahead and prove us right:

“As soon as we were notified of this report on Friday, we immediately began an investigation, as this kind of hurtful and disrespectful action would not be tolerated by KFC,” spokesman Rick Maynard wrote Sunday in an email to The Associated Press. “Regardless of the outcome of our investigation, we have apologized to Victoria’s family and are committed to assisting them. The company is making a $30,000 donation to assist with her medical bills. The entire KFC family is behind Victoria.”

Wait a second. That is not full of any kind of suckitude. None at all. In fact, there is an apology, and a rather generous donation to help this little girl with her medical bills. How… nice :)

Our small, cold hearts have been warmed. Maybe this world does have decent people in it. Maybe there is a place in this world for happy, nice time articles. If we were cynical, we would say that KFC has a great PR team that wants to get ahead of this story. No, we won’t succumb to that kind of thinking. This is actually a good story of a corporate headquarters doing the Right Thing. Bravo, guys and gals. And despite our love for organic, free-range, GMO-free, cage-free, vegetarian soy-based chikn-shaped product, we tip our hats to the corporate folks at KFC for doing what they can to right this wrong.

We don’t know what their investigation will turn up, but we hope that they empower their managers around the country to tell patrons who are disturbed by injuries to a little girl to just stuff their faces with Extra Crispy chicken tenders slathered in gofuckyourself sauce.

We here at Happy Nice Times hope that Victoria has a full recovery. And if she continues to eat regularly at KFC, we encourage KFC to chip in for her Type 2 diabetes treatment in college.


[Clarion Ledger]

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