Dec 23, 2019
Jupiter Ascending (2015), a recap (part 11 of 12): Eddie Redmayne’s Razzie clip
Previously on Jupiter Ascending: Stinger’s brief betrayal was quickly forgiven, and he and Caine blasted their way through Warhammers, whatever those are, to prevent Titus from marrying Jupiter. And with that, Jupiter went home to Earth, only to discover her family had been abducted by Balem and is now being held hostage on Jupiter.
Jupiter enters a chamber, and at the other end is Balem sitting in a hovering divan. She walks up to him and demands to know where her family is. Upon meeting this exact duplicate of his late mother, Balem gasp-moans that she should have “stayed dead”. Jupiter says she’s not his mother, and Balem agrees. “My mother never cleaned a toilet in her life!” Jupiter replies, “Maybe that was her problem!” What? Did she even have a problem that Jupiter would know about?
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Balem says his mother taught him what it takes to rule the universe, and Jupiter wonders if “killing people” was part of that lesson. So Balem does another insanely over the top yell with “I create life!!! …and I destroy it.” And is there really any surprise that Eddie Redmayne just won a Razzie for this performance?
You see, “Life is an act of consumption. To live… is to consume.” He tells Jupiter that the people of Earth are merely “waiting to be converted into capital” and are only a small part of a large machine that exists for one purpose: “To create profit.”
Also, his mother taught him that “some lives will always matter more than others,” and Jupiter asks, “Is that why you killed her?” Well, at least she’s figured out what the rest of us pieced together about an hour ago. Balem responds by backhanding Jupiter and offering a ridiculously dramatic, “How dare you?!?!?” Good god, stop screaming at her and just kill her already.
Meanwhile, the Aegis Cruiser hovers above the Great Red Spot. Stinger comes up to Caine and starts to give him a big romantic pep talk, saying Caine’s been searching his whole life for something, presumably true love, and the possibility that he’s found it “terrifies” him. He says Jupiter is down there, buried under “several tons of hurricane”, and tells Caine to “get down there and start digging!”
Back at the Balem/Jupiter meeting, Balem’s got a tablet-thing with the “Notice of Abdication” all ready to go. But she demands to know where her family is. So Balem waves a hand and the floor turns translucent, and she sees her unconscious family members floating in the ReGenX machine, waiting to be processed.
Jupiter wants assurances that the Aegis will be able to get her family out safely, but Balem tells her she’s in “no position to negotiate”. He gives another wave, and several blades and needles descend upon Jupiter’s mom. She begs him to stop, and says she’ll do whatever he wants. So he holds up the tablet to her.
Cut to Caine in a personal-sized spaceship dropping out of the Aegis Cruiser, coming to Jupiter’s rescue. Wait a minute, didn’t we just get this scene a few minutes ago, when he was saving her from marrying Titus? As he rockets down into the Red Spot, the Aegis Captain contacts him to say she advises against this “reckless course of action”, but “off the record”, he is a “man of rare courage”.
He flies down into all the lightning and clouds and is taking a beating, and his ship is completely falling apart as he dives. He then screams really loud, which somehow gets him past the force field that the Cruiser couldn’t penetrate, and now he’s inside Balem’s complex. His ship has a spectacular crash as it plows through several buildings and comes to a sudden stop that surely should have turned Caine into human puree. I mean, human/dog puree.
And apparently, all this has been going on and Jupiter still hasn’t abdicated her title. She’s just now holding her wrist tattoo up to the tablet, and for some reason she has to say a whole bunch of words first, basically to kill time. But before she goes through with it, she wants to know when Balem plans to “harvest the Earth”. Balem replies, “I can promise that you will not see it,” and gee, do you think there’s a double meaning there? But Jupiter, once again, is completely oblivious.
He tells her to “seal that sheave” and she and her family can return home. But she hesitates, saying that if she doesn’t seal it, he can’t touch the Earth, “even if you kill me!” Err… why not? Who takes possession of the Earth if Jupiter dies? He inherited it from his mother the last time she died, so why not this time?
And so, she refuses to abdicate. She’s decided that she would rather sacrifice herself and her family to prevent the entire Earth from being harvested.
They’re interrupted by Mr. Night informing Balem that, thanks to Caine’s crash (one assumes), the “grav-hull is ruptured”, and “the gas is reacting to the stockworks!” And just then, they hear explosions going off outside. Balem yells at him to “seal it now”, but then an explosion happens below the translucent floor. Caine has come bursting into the chamber by blowing out a wall, and now he’s engaging in a laser-fight with a whole bunch of winged lizard guys.
Jupiter watches him through the floor, while Balem continues to scream, “seal it now!” She sees Caine jump on a lizard guy’s back and put a device just underneath the floor, and we’re apparently supposed to recall that this is Caine’s device for creating a portal through any door/window even though we haven’t seen it in well over an hour. Then Balem hits a button and the floor becomes solid again, but now Jupiter is emboldened enough to toss the tablet to the floor, smashing it.
Balem rushes forth and grabs her by the neck. Jupiter knees him in the groin, and Balem yells to his armless soldiers to kill her. And that’s when a portal opens up in the floor, and Jupiter jumps through it, and Caine catches her and protects her behind his holo-shield.
He hands her a gun and tells her to “get your family out” and starts to leave, but before he goes, Jupiter decides to take a moment to kiss him. “In case we don’t get the chance again!” And then Caine kisses her back, wasting more time, before finally hover-skating off.
We get exterior shots of what I guess is Balem’s whole big ReGenX refinery, with explosions going off everywhere. Is all of this happening because of Caine crashing into it? It’s kind of hard to believe one relatively small spaceship could destroy the whole place.
Caine skates around blasting at winged lizards, while Jupiter grabs the members of her catatonic family, currently hovering in the air thanks to those glowing bracelets/anklets previously used by the Keepers, and moving them over to the side for safekeeping. Balem quietly observes her doing this as he grabs a knife.
Up on the Aegis Cruiser, someone reports that the “gate” is open, and the captain realizes it’s an “evacuation”. Several ships emerge from the Red Spot, and the captain orders Lt. Elephant Man (whose name turns out to be “Nesh”—as in Ganesh; get it?) to take them down there. And Nesh actually does an elephant’s roar as he takes the ship in.
Next up: A generic action movie comes to its generic action movie conclusion, with lots of explosions as Balem and Jupiter have their final showdown, and things end exactly the way you expect. Well, we’ve made it this far; there’s really nothing left to do at this point then just get through it.