Man Time: Who Is This Johnny Manziel Person, and Why Do We Hate Him?

Man Time: Who Is This Johnny Manziel Person, and Why Do We Hate Him?

Perfectly innocent.

“Hate” is a strong word, but Johnny Manziel is easily the most punchable football player in America right now. So who is Johnny Manziel, why is that photo of him rolling up a bill going viral, and do we only sort of hate him, or is he worthy of full-blown Michael-Vick-right-after-the-dog-thing hate? Here is your HappyNiceTime primer on a football person you may be getting to know soon.

Who is Johnny Manziel?


The son of old Texas oil money, Jonathan Paul Manziel grew up as comfortably as anyone can. He is very fast and can throw a football a long way, so he lit up high school football in Texas, which means that he could run for governor there right now and probably win. Manziel played college football at Texas A&M, where the students nicknamed him “Johnny Football,” which should tell you everything you need to know about the Texas A&M student body.

“Johnny Football,” seriously?

Seriously. It’s even a registered trademark.

That was sort of smart, trademarking his nickname.

All part of a larger theme. Despite coming from a family where stress relief takes the form of 18 holes at Hollytree Country Club, Manziel has been fixated on making tons of money since basically forever. Witness his super-obnoxious rubbing-fingers-together-thing, which he’s been trying to make his signature move since before he could drive the Mercedes his daddy bought him.


Yeah, it’s his thing. You know when an old-timey gangster mentions that some dame is after his simoleons? Or you’re worried about some rat fink wearin’ a wire, so you don’t say nuthin’ out loud, and instead your rub your fingers together to symbolize money? Like that. Manziel does that thing, all the time. Here, look.


It’s his touchdown celebration.



He even does it when he’s not in the game.


So of course he did it when he got drafted

That is seriously obnoxious.

Furrilltho. It’s obnoxious enough to prompt former Dallas Cowboys head coach Barry Switzer to remark, “I don’t like his antics. I think he’s an arrogant little (expletive). I’ve said that and I’ll say it again.” And Switzer coached Michael Irvin.

Who is Michael Irvin?

Not actually important to this story.

Oh, okay. Sorry to interrupt.

Not at all! There are no dumb questions, only dumb people. And we’ve only scratched the surface of Manziel’s obnoxiousness.

Is he a Bible humper? Of course he is, he’s a football player in Texas.

Is he besties with Drizzy Drake, the softest rapper alive? YUSSS. And why not? Manziel started nowhere near the bottom, now he here.

Was he too hungover to attend football camp with Peyton Manning? Yep.

Did he manage to get kicked out of a frat party at UT-Austin? Oh most definitely.

That’s obnoxious, I guess, but it doesn’t seem too far outside the norm for a douchey bro-dude in his early 20s.

Ah, but you haven’t seen this.

Ohmigod, the laughs from the bros around him. Did we mention that this Instagram video was taken and posted by a professional golfer? Told you Manziel was the most punchable man in football.



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