Some fine art for your Christian home to remind you Jesus is watching when you have sex with a tiger

Some Fine Art For Your Christian Home To Remind You Jesus Is Watching When You Have Sex With A Tiger

Hey, naked Adam! Hey, naked Eve! Whatcha doin’? Bein’ white? That makes sense. Everyone knows we started white, in Mesopotamia, and then, we don’t know, the Curse of Ham something something? We’re a bit behind on our Christian Identity newsletters. Anyway, here is Jesus. He is stone cold pimping out Eve, like, she has really hot breasts man, you wanna suck on them? Also, there is a tiger. Why? Because the new Greatest Artist in the Universe (go to hell Jon McNaughton), Nathan Greene, says there are. Let us look at some more Jesus art of Jesus photobombing the hell out of all your precious memories! (Of when you had sex with that tiger.)

creeper jesus

Here is Jesus watching your daughter as she sleeps. He has basically sneaked into her room like the crazy guy who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart :(

what's good for the syndicate is good for the country

Here is Jesus stone cold doin’ some capitalism. You know what you do when you are doing business with someone who goes on and on about doing business Christian-like? You run. We once had a travel agent (they were people who bought airplane tickets for you, for some unknown reason) who was actually working out of the back of a church, and who stole all the money for the airplane tickets, after she hugged us and God Blessed Us. That travel agent went to jail.

he's no oral roberts

Jesus and his golden retriever, Sam, have cured your son of being in a wheelchair. That’s just dumb. Who has this painting? Someone with a baby in a wheelchair? Don’t you love your baby as he is? Do you want him to feel even worse because Jesus has not cured him of being in a wheelchair? Go fuck yourself.

UPDATE: Commenter Actor212 rightly notes

Trix, look again: the kid is DEAD. Those are the bright gates of heaven and the children are running into the light. This painting is for parents who wish their crippled kid was dead. Also dead: Sam, the golden retriever because dogs should be dead as well in Christendom

Actor is right. It is a fucking snuff painting! AIYEEEE!!!!!

the santorums

That living room is ugly, and also Jesus needs to stop touching all the children all the time. Jesus, Jesus!

sorry your mom's a whore

Where is this sick child’s mom? Why is there only a nurse (and Jesus) there? What is she, off whoring around? (“Working” at her “job.”)

too many cooks in the kitchen

Jesus, have you considered you might be in the way?

lupus. the answer is lupus.

“Playing God? I AM GOD.”

no really that's nice

Aw, that’s nice. Good for you little girl. And good for you Nathan Greene, for getting the Subway ad in there. Time to get paiiiiiid.

northern aggressors

Why is Jesus not on this battlefield? TRICK QUESTION. Jesus, obviously, is a Confederate soldier, giving succor to his enemies, those dastardly Union thugs what broke the Constitution Jesus wrote.

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  • edith prickly

    HAHAHAHAHA!! Jesus looks like he’s patiently explaining to Adam that he’s supposed to sex Eve, not the tiger. BTW, what the hell is Jesus doing in Eden anyway? Retconning original sin?

    • coozledad

      I think it’s the whole Miltonian “He was there before he was there and he was always going to be there, even before he was” cosmology.

  • coozledad

    Jesus: Urs, this is Lakshmi. She’s incredibly patient and a myofascial release technician. I think she can help you.Your tiger is a nice friend, but even I can’t guarantee he’s not going to eat your balls. C’mon man, you’re making the giraffe nervous.

  • edith prickly

    With many apologies to Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper:

    Lemme tell ya…

    Jesus is everywhere
    Jesus is everything
    Jesus is everybody
    Jesus is still the king

    Man o man
    What I want you to see
    Is that the big J’s inside of you and me…

    Jesus is in everybody out there.
    Everybody’s got Jesus in them!
    Everybody except one person that is…
    Yeah, one person!

    The evil opposite of Jesus.
    The Anti-Jesus
    Anti-Jesus got no Jesus in ’em,
    lemme tell ya:

    Kirk Cameron has no Jesus in him.

    And Jesus is in Steven Baldwin
    but he’s trying to get out, man!
    He’s trying to get out!
    Listen up Stevie Baby!

    • TheLifeSilica

      Jesus needs boats! Jesus needs boats! Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus needs boats!

    • Pat_Pending

      I think he’s still trying to get out of Joan Rivers.

  • Vecchiojohn

    Okay, Siegfried, now that I’ve cured you of the gay, I want to introduce you to Eve here. She gonna talk to a snake and then eat an apple and then you will both have to wear clothes. You’re welcome.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Thankfully for the future human race, Eve went for metrosexuals.

  • flipdraw_mc_graw

    So of course, me being a garden variety prevert, I couldn’t help but think of the Walt Whitman poem that goes with the hawt soldier-on-soldier lovin’:…Thus in silence in dreams’ projections,Returning, resuming, I thread my way through the hospitals,The hurt and wounded I pacify with soothing hand,I sit by the restless all the dark night, some are so young,Some suffer so much, I recall the experience sweet and sad,(Many a soldier’s loving arms about this neck have cross’d and rested,Many a soldier’s kiss dwells on these bearded lips.)

  • Guest

    Izzat Creepy Jesus lurking around my bedroom again?!

    • Buddha Stalin


      • Guest

        I hope he doesn’t touch my blankey with the WRONG HAND! One of ’em is unclean.

  • Guest

    So, is there some sorta theological dictum that says when Jesus hangs out with Americans (and a lot of the rest of the world) these days he can’t just wear jeans?

  • MillerMarquis

    What everyone else said, plus so many Sofa Oil Art Critic questions! Didja notice that the proportions and angles in the Adam and Eve one are right out of Photoshop Disasters? Where is Adam’s other leg? Why is his thigh growing out of his abdomen? Is Jesus standing in a trench, or floating just below the cliff where Adam and Eve are apparently lounging? Why does the Garden of Eden have studio lighting, and what’s going on with that sun? The right-hand corner of the painting is a total perspective vortex, or possibly Adam’s foot size might indicate why he and Eve weren’t hitting it off. Every element in this masterpiece looks like it was painted to fudge the tragic errors underneath it. It probably started out as a Madagascar 2 tribute on deviantart.

    • Blanche Beecham

      Jesus is erupting from a rip in the space time continuum so he might smite upon the fornicators, because He’s Jesus.

    • runfastandwin

      And what, exactly, is Adam doing with his left hand?

      • MillerMarquis

        Okay, I think I know this one, despite my official heathen status. Could he be noticing the loss of his rib? And Jesus is all “yeah, but I made you a girlfriend! Oh, and also harvested your kidneys…”

        • $73376667

          “Call a hospital, preferably the one I work at.”

    • Bubba

      Vortex or…: The foot (right of tiger haunch) is about 10 inches away from where it should be, considering Adam’s ankle bone is pictured to the left of the tiger haunch. SO: either the foot is being shat whole from the tiger or there’s another man hidden behind the tiger. Adam and Steve?

      • MillerMarquis


  • Jaime Oria

    I’ll just leave this here:

    • edith prickly

      Boxer Jesus is rather oddly proportioned as well. Great hair though!

    • axonneuron

      Omg, that was hilarious! Thanks.

    • DrShitferbrains

      I can’t unsee this. It is so horrible that it circles back to awesome.

  • $73376667

    1.) Whitest. Jesus. Ever.2.) Seriously, when was the last time you saw a nurse working in a skirt? I’m going to guess it was about the same time doctors did research in hella books, instead of on the internets.3.) How do you copy a reclining Adam off of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and yet somehow make him more white? “We need to go whiter?”4.) And speaking of things that have been done before

  • Pongo

    These look to have been painted circa Norman Rockwell era. Haven’t seen a nurse in a get up like that one in decades and don’t know any grand old patriarchal physicians who still operate out of a venerable private office with actual medical books (even the olds can use a computer)–at least not any who are actually allowed to see patients.

    • PubOption

      I saw an ENT doctor like that, when I had a blocked ear. I wouldn’t go to him for any procedure that had been invented since 1970.

  • memzilla

    I think we see exactly who the target audience is. (P.S. : James McNaughton: I think your customer list has been hacked)

  • chapka

    Not to be a buzzkill, but…Jesus isn’t healing the kid in the wheelchair. That’s heaven back there, and the formerly sick kids are able to run now because they’re dead.So the “who has this painting” is a parent of a child who has already died of a debilitating childhood disease.

    • DrShitferbrains

      But in Heaven, everyone is 30 years old. So that means…. that’s not heaven! No! Kids, run the other way!

    • SullivanSt

      Given the golden retriever, I presume this means the entrance to heaven is in a farm upstate.

  • Bob Nühart

    I have always imagined that, if I could do The Art, I would make uplifting and meaningful pieces. But instead I would probably make Vellejo-inspired, D&D gamebook pictures and Manowar album covers.

  • Guest

    In that first picture Jesus is saying, “Hey, you have a hot woman here, so why keep playing with yourself?! Do the right thing.”

    • $73376667

      “Do the right… oh yeah, haven’t eaten that apple yet, you don’t know the difference…”Me damn it!”

      • mamba

        LOL yeah without that fruit bite, intimacy would have been VERY boring!

  • docterry6973

    Everyone in the Bible is American.

    • Guest

      Can’t be. NSA doesn’t have any cell records.

    • Deleted

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  • Do those actually exist as paintings on canvas? Looks more like digital manipulation.

  • Guest

    Izzat Eve there, with Adam and Jesus, in Eden? Hey, I didn’t know Jesus was there! Another thing they didn’t tell us in the Bible! How come they’re all, like shaved and depillioriated and look like models and such? Don’t tell me what we have here is more idealized sorts of symboli Eve’s and Adam’s and Jesus’s! And that Tiger! What’s he eat, peaches?!

    • $73376667

      Yeah, the whole “Was Jesus around before he was born?” question is a long-standing theological issue. Last I heard, the rationale goes like this:1.) God is eternal2.) Jesus is God3.) Therefore, Jesus is eternalSome have argued he made cameos in the Old Testament, like the whatever that Jacob wrestled.

      • DrShitferbrains

        Can’t we all just believe The Illiad instead?

      • SullivanSt

        Dudes shoulda been paying attention in Math when there was discussion of the semi-infinite line.

  • Merkin Muffley

    When Jesus presents me with a woman who looks like that, I’ll stop laying down with guys, tigers, bears, whatevs.Until then, all bets are off!!

  • BigRedDog

    Hospital Jesus looks like he lives in a van.

    • ZorakHendrix

      You’d wear long hair, a beard and sandals too, if you were LIVIN’ IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

      • fredoandme

        never gets old.

  • Blanche Beecham

    Where’s Jesus’ entourage, you know the disciples? Also, the confederate soldier helping the Union Jack seems to violate the Missouri Compromise.

    • DrShitferbrains

      Confederate soldier oddly disinterested in the agony of the black soldier in the background.

  • Writer A Writerstein

    I wanted to snark here, but these are just sad. I picture these people prostrate with grief over the awful stuff that’s befallen their shitty ideology since Gettysburg, and I almost feel sorry for them. These paintings are like the poetry of a suicidal teen girl before she jumps.Nobody is listening to this cry for help either. Go ahead and jump, you racist shits.

  • bumfug

    In that living room painting was it Jesus who grafted the old man hand onto the six-year-old kid so he’d have something besides a stump to pat the dog?

  • Swampgas_Man

    Clearly, what JC is saying to Adam in that first pic is, “NO, dummy. Fuck the woman, not the tiger! THE WOMAN!”

    • mamba

      The tiger looks more interested than she does.

      She has that look of being polite until she can find an excuse to leave. The tiger on the other hand is very interested in the events and looks more comfortable with Adam.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Why is that little girl giving her Subway sammich to that bum instead of Jesus?

  • Mrs_Wudi

    Hot fuck, do I ever look forward to my mother-in-law owning every single one of these.

  • Señor Skwerl

    Why is Jesus not just healing the surgery patient? Because, he wouldn’t leave scars or forget a screwdriver in the patient.

  • DrShitferbrains

    Sure, these paintings are all wholesome but when I painted Jesus taking a dump on Hitler’s chest it was all “Abomination this” and “You’re going to hell that.”

  • Jared James

    Now I know what Jesus has in common with Edward Cullen.There is no other comment that could be more awful than that sentence.

  • Daddio King

    Jesus loves the little whiteys, all the whiteys of the worldPale and creamy,Light and white,They are precious in his sight,Jesus loves the little whiteys of the world.

  • Deleted

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    • Shazzamulator

      Yeah. It was around age 8 for me, too. I committed the worst sin one can. I started thinking for myself. I never stopped.

      • Deleted

        This post was deleted.

    • When my sister was in Catholic school she had a test question: “What state must you be in, in order to enter the gates of heaven?” She said Ohio. (answer is…. grace)

      • Deleted

        This post was deleted.

  • kindness

    Jesus sure does seem to spend a whole bunch of time with little kids. Has anyone contacted Child Protective Services yet? They may need to start up a file on this obvious perv.

  • Mel

    jesus is a time travelling tiger-pimping boss. With a golden retriever sidekick. I knew it!

  • Pat_Pending

    Creepy white people! My favorite!

  • PersonaAuGratin

    1) Unless Jesus can turn the the tiger into a tiger-skin rug, and that waterfall into a winefall, I don’t want him anywhere near my sexy-time.2) in that business deal, Jesus is acting as the guy’s lawyer. Everyone knows all the best lawyers are Jewish.3) With all that time Jesus spends looking over doctors’ shoulders, I’d like to see his HIPAA compliance documentation.

  • ryp

    Needs moar Roman Brietbart

    • Nixon, etc.

      Also, too – needs moar Riley.

  • Kip TW

    Why is Jesus all dressed and stuff when Adam and Eve are naked? Why are Adam and Even anything when Jesus is in existence? Weren’t they four thousand years before him, when the world was created?Wait. I got it. This is like in all the Disney comics where all the characters just pal around, and Pinocchio is still a puppet and Bambi is still a fawn and Snow White still hangs with the Dwarfs. It’s “The Ending Never Happened” Land at Disneyland. The giraffe looks a little uncertain there. “Is he a predator or not? I can’t keep track! And what about the tiger?”

  • glennisw

    How come Jesus didn’t go to the same barbershop Adam did? Also, too, Eve went to the salon and got a blow-out and low-lights.

  • Shazzamulator

    Jesus: “Hey Adam, if you prefer to have sex with the tiger, do you mind if I get it on with your leh-dehhh?”Adam: “Why, not at all, Jeez. Be my guest.”Eve: “WTF, Adam?”

  • chascates

    That Jesus looks like he’s from Connecticut!

    • Annie Towne

      He looks a lot like my second boyfriend (we’re both from Connecticut). This Jesus is pretty hot, despite the receding hairline. He can park his sandals under my bed anytime, provided he promises to leave those little kids alone!

  • Mr. Wonderful

    That picture with the nurse in the hospital room? Note how Jesus is taking a photo of the child with his cell (“smart”) phone, obscured by the nurse’s head. What prophetic art! or something.

  • Bezoar

    The Jesus standing next to the hospital bed with the nurse in the pink dress looked to me totally to be Bill Murray. Which got me thinking, Bill Murray should play Jesus in a Jesus movie that includes a plot with all of these scenes. Bill Murray would make a great Jesus.

    • Nixon, etc.

      That sounds like an awesome movie. So many things, of different sorts, happening. In one movie!

    • crazymonkeylady

      How do we know Jesus isn’t there to pull the plug on that sick girl with the pink fake nurse? As I recall, he’s killed kids before!! Look at all those kids in heaven. Boy, he’s a real killing machine.

  • Bezoar

    Hey, is Naked Adam clutching the wound where his rib was removed? (To make Eve from, pagans.) And Jesus is telling Adam, “Hey, look what I made for you!”.

    • DrShitferbrains

      And he’s like “Where’s her dick?”

    • Helen A. Handbasket

      No, he’s suggestively tickling his nipple with his thumb…that tiger’s gettin some

  • (((JustPixelz)))

    Jesus spends a lot of time helping doctors, nurses, surgeons, undertakers. If he really cared, we wouldn’t need any of them.

  • Enfant Terrible

    This Jesus hovering over the sleeping girl reminds me of Peter Teleborian, and he better watch out – Lisbeth Salander, that’s all I’m saying.

  • Helen A. Handbasket

    So, um, in the Garden, Adam and Eve were naked because they were still pure and God-like with no need for modesty because they were wholesome and without sin yet…so, what did Jesus do?

    • crazymonkeylady

      Why isn’t Jesus naked too? Afraid the tiger is gonna want a threesome?????

      • Helen A. Handbasket

        CML, Adam and Eve are naked because they are pure and free of sin so what’s Jesus guilty of that he has to feel ashamed of his nakedness and put on that toga?

  • Dolmance

    My favorite is the one with the businessmen. Jesus’ eyes are hawk like and predatory, and he’s smiling wolfishly, seeming to say, “We’re gonna make so much fuckin’ money off these motherfuckers! We’re gonna clean their clock until they’re suckin’ buttermilk out their asses.”This guy is fucking awesome. If I was rich, I’d hire him to do an American version of the Sistine Chapel in Utah.BTW, I was under the impression Jesus was an Anglo, for sure, but I didn’t realize he was a total Kraut.

  • Insane Clown Wizard

    Not only are they white, I’m wondering where Adam got his hair done. (Looks kinda… gay.) I suppose God provides the razors to give Adam such a nice clean shave. And for Eve, the hairdo, make-up and a mani-pedi before she showed up for her big date. For God will provide!

    • Guest

      Might be gay. No erectivity nearby nekkid eve. Unless el tigre is symbolic or major wood.

    • Julia Griggs

      You forgot Eve’s body hair – or the absence of it – too.

  • crazymonkeylady

    Jesus. You’re been working out!

  • crazymonkeylady

    Hey! I want to commission a painting of Jesus guiding Heisenberg’ s hand as he builds his killing machine gun to rescue Prince Jessie from the evil Nazis. Only Jeebus can save him now….

  • Robert Kent Hagen

    You are pushing it, Rebecca.

  • VP’s Heart

    That’s a ‘tax free’ medical device in the OR, you can read all about it in the new book. Or you can buy it and find someone to read it to you.

  • fizzout

    Why does Jesus wear clothes when Adam and Eve are nude?

    • red7eric

      Duh, because Jesus is from the future. (Don’t think about it too much.)

  • dsmith

    A message to the artist…Try portraying Jesus with a pudgy Jewish face, like Alan Dershowitz, a unkempt beard and wiry black hair instead of using Hugh Jackman as your Jesus. The Alan Dershowitz Jesus could be pictured handing the patient papers to sign in order to sue the doctor and hospital.

  • damageddude

    First, Jesus should be pictured as an Arab Jew since that is what he was. His hippie look is going to get him thrown into the local jail for vagrancy. Second, Jesus is going to kill the patient in OR with an infection because he isn’t properly scrubbed (I assume) and masked. Finally, how about Jesus giving the doctor consulting a dead forest for the latest information a laptop and an internet connection?

  • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

    RE: Adam, Eve, & JesusSo, am I the only one who thinks that looks kind of porno? It’s got the weird novelty porn vibe going on. Plus, Jesus groping the kids is making extremely uncomfortable. Maybe he isn’t Jesus. Maybe it’s David Koresh.

  • terry bokke

    Yeah Jesus supports those crazy Bible-thumping slavery KKK fanatics.