Jem “One Jem Too Many” (part 2 of 3)
The next scene rolls along. Jerrica is sitting down, having just finished her paperwork. But wait, I thought she was at the mall, as a newly insane Jem? What’s going on!? I honestly have no clue, folks. I mean, not even the plot-spoiling title can help me out on this one. So then Rio walks in, asking to talk to Jerrica. He’s got something serious he’d like to talk to her about. What can it be? His mother died? He’s not where he thought he’d be in life? He doesn’t feel adequate as a man? Nope!
He’s worried about his second girlfriend!
Yep, Rio, who has scientifically been proven to be the Slowest Man in the Jem Universe, actually decides to talk to his girlfriend about his relationship troubles with… the other woman. For the purposes of the story, however, Jerrica completely ignores the fact that her boyfriend went out on a date with another woman. She’s more worried about the thought of Jem throwing a fit somewhere without her knowledge. B-b-b-but, she’s Jem! Uhhwhaaat?
Just then, the Holograms walk in, asking to speak with Jerrica, kind of the way a group of friends ask to speak to their best friend who just happens to be addicted to porn right before the intervention happens. Jerrica doesn’t catch on, and instead tells her boyfriend to mail off the tax returns. Rio takes them and walks off, but not before giving her a really sleazy “hey, for you? Anything” line that’s so icky, he sounds like he’s channeling Link from the ‘80s Legend of Zelda cartoon, which I totally never watched, so let’s just pretend I didn’t even mention it and move on.
So the Holograms surround Jerrica, demanding to know what the hell happened to her in the past hour. Confused, Jerrica tells them that she’s been here all along doing paperwork. Kimber responds with a patronizing, “Oh, Jerrica, you obviously don’t have any idea what you’re saying. Maybe you should get some rest and sleep the insanity off. Alright, you nutcrack? Nutty wanna cracker?”
Jerrica screams, “I’m not insane! I’m not insane, I swear! It was the butler… he did it!” But the Holograms aren’t buying it. They decide that the only way to keep Jerrica from flying off the deep end is to take her to the mall, so that she can finally relax.
When they get there, they have a Hologram powwow. They’re determined to keep an eye on their wacky friend, but when they turn around, she’s gone. They eventually find Bizarro Jem, who’s passing the time by knocking over some random booth.
When she hears the Holograms, Bizarro Jem makes a quick getaway into an alley. The Holograms follow, only to find Jerrica, who’s all “She went thataway!” as she dashes off in pursuit of her evil counterpart. Of course, the Holograms think that Jerrica is just being her crazy self, and they run off after her.
They reach a dead end, and the only person they find is… an oddly dressed cleaning lady. Jerrica tries to beat some answers out of the Oddly Dressed Cleaning Lady, who denies seeing anyone. The Holograms literally have to drag their crazy friend away.
Side Note: The bumpers they use going into commercial break are bloody hilarious. Jem actually flies a la Wonder Woman, except in a haze of purple light, to show her outrageousness. But as a kid, this totally confused me. I was like, “Jem has superpowers, too? I knew it!”
Back at Hologram Palace, Jerrica is trying to prove her innocence, but no one believes her. Kimber suggests relaxing by watching some TV. Unfortunately, the TV’s already tuned to the Most Coincidental TV Station Ever, because some reporter is currently talking about the “public disgrace” that is Jem. There’s even a magazine, “Cool Trash”, that has an entire exposé on the pink-haired beast, complete with a front page picture of her in a classic She-Hulk pose. No, I’m serious, she’s actually smashing something.
The station then goes live to the premiere of a new movie starring “Flint Westwood” titled My Fist in Your Face. Among the celebrities in attendance are “Sigourney Loomis” and “Brute Lee”. I can’t make this shit up. As an Asian martial arts movie fan, I’m more than a little pissed at their choice of pun for that last name, but I’ll let it slide this time. It was the ‘80s, after all (the bastards).
So Bizarro Jem shows up at the premiere, and the Holograms at home are surprised, because Jerrica is Jem and Jerrica is sitting right there in the living room. Finally, everyone slowly starts to catch on to what’s really happening. And all it took was watching the Most Coincidental TV Station Ever.
Bizarro Jem divas her way through the crowd, and does what she does best: She stuffs a container of food all over some poor guy’s head. This time, it’s a bag of popcorn, and the poor guy just happens to be Flint Westwood himself.
As the actor flails about, the TV reporter almost squees with excitement over having caught this juicy addition to their Good Girl Gone Bad scoop, live on national television.
Jerrica turns off the TV, and swears revenge as we get a close-up of her truly outrageous pink eye shadow.
Elsewhere, a man in a business suit is holding a copy of Cool Trash magazine, and before he’s spoken his first line, everyone and their mother already knows he’s evil. He giggles as he tells a yet to be revealed group of people that Jem and the Holograms “will soon disappear off the charts forever.” He forgets to add “mwah hah hah”, but I guess that’s coming later.
We then see four women cheering. But who’s malicious enough to cheer and celebrate at the mention of the utter destruction of a group of honest and talented human beings?
Why, the Misfits, that’s who!
To the unenlightened, the Misfits were one of the rival bands the Holograms regularly had to deal with. Pizazz, the leader of the Misfits, starts bitching at the Suit (who’s probably their manager) for his uselessness, because she’s a terrible lady with a black, black heart.
Just then, the Oddly Dressed Cleaning Lady walks in. She takes off her disguise to reveal herself as Bizarro Jem! The Suit starts to crap his pants when she then—are you ready?— takes off her Jem mask to reveal her true identity: Clash!
So the Misfits were behind it all along. But to their credit, only their bitchy leader really knew about it. She tells the Suit that they’re totally gonna kill Jem ruin Jem’s career, and the Suit gives us a very Mr. Burns-like “Ehhhhxcellent, Pizazz,” right before launching into a stream of mwah hah hahs. I knew those were coming.
We’re then graced with a Misfits music video, for the song “Congratulations”. The lyrics tell us the same old stuff we already know about them. They hate Jem, they want to humiliate Jem, they wish Jem was dead, they’re going to wait for Jem to get pregnant by Rio and have her first child so that they can kidnap it and videotape themselves throwing it in the nearest river and then send the tape to Jem on her baby’s first birthday—you know, the usual.
Honestly, considering how vindictive and scary their songs are, it’s a wonder the Misfits actually manage to sell any records at all. Unless their fanbase consists entirely of sociopathic little girls with no souls.
Back at Casa Hologramo, Token Asian Hologram suggests calling the police, but Jerrica has a better idea: She wants to expose the imposter by “staging [their] biggest concert ever.”
Elsewhere, Pizazz hears about the concert, and is already onto the girls. Clash suggests crashing the party, while whipping out her remarkably accurate Jem mask and putting it on. I mean, really. Were they having a Masks That Look Just Like Your Enemies sale at the local ‘80s Villain Boutique? But Pizazz wisely tells her that it’s probably a trap. Well, I guess she’s not the leader for nothing, but how she knew that, I have no idea. Regardless, she decides that it’s time to prepare.
So Jem and the Holograms are practicing for their concert by dancing around like morons. Some employee backstage mentions how Jem “dances like an angel,” which I guess is what this show wants us to believe.
However, Rio coldly responds, “Hmph! Angel, indeed.” Aw, poor manwhore. Are you upset with your bitch on the side?
As he’s silently emo-ing, Bizarro Jem walks by. He notices her, but sees that the real Jem is still on stage, and so he does the whole double-take thing. Then he wastes an extra second by channeling Jacob Two-Two with yet another unintentionally funny line: “Jem? Two? Two Two?”
Rio informs everyone about the fake Jem, and everyone chases after her, which judging by the fast paced ‘80s beat is supposed to be really exciting and dramatic. Bizarro Jem hops into her getaway convertible and drives off, but Jem and the Holograms jump into the Riomobile and chase after her, bringing their boytoy along for the ride.
Bizarro Jem drives off a pier and onto a ferry, which is an idea they must have stolen from some action movie, but I’m drawing a blank. Rio sees this and lets out a gut-busting “Blast!”
But then Jem spots another ferry, and suggests they get on it to chase after her. They do just that, but little do they know it’s all a trap. The Suit and his randomly appearing evil henchman are standing on a cliff nearby, and when they see the Holograms get onto the ferry… they start the boat’s engine via remote control. Okay, sure.
The Holograms burst into the cockpit, or hull, or whatever the hell it’s called, to ask the captain to chase after Bizarro Jem’s ferry. Except, there is no captain. No controls, either!
Their boat starts to move. Rio takes over Kimber’s job of stating the obvious by saying, “Hey, we’re moving!” No shit, halfwit. They run into another room, planning to radio for help, but as soon as they get inside, a pre-recorded message on a small TV starts playing… on its own. Okay, sure.
Then the TV friggin’ self-destructs!
I truly, truly (truly?) cannot make this up, even if I tried. I’m going to temporarily forget about the utter cheesiness of what just happened to point out another logical flaw here.
So, the Misfits and their manager really wanted to drag Jem’s name through the mud, right? But really, is any of this… legal? I mean, this isn’t just a simple case of spreading gossip anymore, you’ve actually kidnapped these people and sent them off to the middle of the ocean, with no way of getting back. They could die! Then you’d be murderers! Why isn’t any one mentioning this?