Sep 5, 2017
Jem “Journey Through Time” (part 3 of 3)
Jem’s new boytoys, Larry and Ray, waltz into practice late, the wiseguys.
Boytoys: Hey, boss, look what the cat dragged in! A couple of singing broads with gams up to their ears, see! Aren’t they bee’s knees?
Okay, I’ll stop. Kimber wows Sexist Ben Tiller with her piano skills, thus convincing him to let the womenfolk play with his band, even if they are called Jem and the Holograms, even if he doesn’t quite know what a hologram or a Jem is, even if a group of WWII American soldiers would’ve probably had Aja shipped off to a Japanese prison camp on sight. Whatever, cue moronic music video!
Song: We’re making it happen!
And in typical Jem style, this video involves giant bells, swing dancing, and a healthy dose of American patriotism, complete with a surly looking Uncle Sam on stilts.
Sorry, I have to pause to make sure my cocaine hasn’t been laced with angel dust.
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“Bomb alert!” someone cries. “Everybody to the shelters!”
Oh, thank god.
Holy crap, a bomb just flew into the building! Man, this episode is hardcore. The universe tries to course correct the timeline by killing the Holograms, but the lucky bitches disappear just before a giant cinderblock crushes Kimber. Damn it.
We return to the Evil Misfit Bus. I know, I’m exhausted too. The soldiers disappear, replaced by hippies this time. Yes, Jem and the Girls have just been sent back to the ‘60s. Ugh. Somebody fire Techrat.
But then, a twist! Techrat, tired of Pizzazz’s sociopathic bitchiness, sends the Misfits back to the ‘60s, too! Do I smell an epic sing-off in the near future? The hippies don’t seem to mind being teleported into this van, as they’re convinced they’re tripping. No, really, they pretty much say that. Then Eric freaks out and tries to kill himself.
Oh god, the girls are at Woodstock. Oh god, it’s Hendrix. Please, not Hendrix!
Hendrix: Hey, foxy lady!
Me: [Cries in pillow.]
Me: [Cries in pillow.]
Oh, sorry, did I say Hendrix? Because this guy is actually “Johnny Beldrix”, the legendary rock guitarist. Totally different guy.
It’s okay. It’ll all be over soon.
It turns out that Not-Hendrix is in a fix. His manager wants him to play with a bunch of “unhip” chicks called the Misfits. Hey, rude. They’re plenty hip! They’ve broken hips. They’ll break your hip. Apologize.
Why the hell would Not-Hendrix’s manager demand the best guitarist of all time play with a random group he’s never heard of, and threaten to kick him off the gig otherwise? This makes no sense, but then again, making no sense is like breathing in Jem’s world.
Of course, Jem’s got a plan. Oh wait, Synergy is locked up in someone’s truck with no clue where she’s heading. Never mind.
So Jem and the Jem Girls confront Pizzazz and the Army of Satan before they go on stage. They basically bitch each other out for three hours, until Jem secretly has the yet-to-be-found Synergy create a hologram of Eric.
Pretend-Eric tells Beldrix’s manager that the Misfits are already signed to him, so the manager throws the greatest hissy fit of all time and kicks the Misfits to the curb. Beldrix says he’ll always remember Jem for what she’s done for him, and kisses her on the cheek. But this is Woodstock, so you know he’ll be expecting her backstage after the show for a whole lotta love.
As Not-Hendrix takes the stage to perform Actual-Hendrix’s historic rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, Pizzazz threatens to sneak into Hologram-Eric’s room at night and stab him to death.
Meanwhile, Hissy-Fitting Manager decides to slowly drop his secret weapon onto the stage. And that secret weapon turns out to be Synergy.
Apparently, he’s hoping to blow everyone’s minds with a trippy, seizure-inducing lightshow, but then he finds himself on the receiving end of Pizzazz’s homicidal rampage.
Then Pizzazz actually tries to murder Synergy, but the Misfits and the Jem Girls jump back to the present before any real damage is done. Seriously, don’t piss off Pizzazz.
Back at home now, Jem and the girls are tired, while Kimber’s still high on life and stupidity.
Kimber: This has been outrageous!
Shut. Up. Kimber.
Elsewhere, Pizzazz descends on Real-Eric with a harpy-like vengeance. She uses Techrat’s computer to send him to the prehistoric era so he can get torn apart by a T-Rex, because come on, it’s just more fun that way.
Really? Don’t piss off Pizzazz.
Unfortunately, a smaller dinosaur gets sent to the Misfit van as part of that body-mass trade-off, and the trade-off dinosaur thrashes around and squishes the time machine, which somehow brings Eric back, chalk white with terror, his pants soaked with urine. Lesson learned.
Cut to: The World History of Music Concert! Jem has used her wacky time travel experience to write a new song, one that’ll really do justice to the musical greats of the past.
“Rockin’ Down Through Time”! With such poetic lyrics as: “Mozart really knew the score!” and “Gershwin was a man of note!” Both deserve better.
And then they somehow find a way to drag both Elvis and John Lennon into this.
Mercifully, the song and the episode ends, and the only thing that makes the throbbing pain in my head subside ever so slightly is the fact that the original, cooler Jem theme song plays during the closing credits. But it’s too little, too late.
Next time on Jem: Kimber dies. The people rejoice.