Jem “Journey Through Time” (part 2 of 3)

Back in 1781, Jem and the Jem Girls appear in a fancy mansion, and Jem, who’s now Jerrica, very astutely remarks, “Something very strange is going on here.” Keep in mind, these girls use holograms to glam themselves up and spend their afternoons flying through space on national flags. Strange is relative.

Syngery has ended up in the basement of the mansion, and for some reason, she decides to use her techno power to restore Jerrica to Jem instead of first figuring out what the hell is going on.

Jem "Journey Through Time" (part 2 of 3)

The girls look out the window to hear the town crier inform the barren streets of a Mozart performance totally happening at his place tonight BYOB.

Jem’s all like “WTF?” and Synergy’s like “you’re in the past, bitches” and gives them all period costumes to wear. And because this is a safe ‘80s cartoon, they probably won’t go into much detail about the difficulties that the black, Hispanic, and Asian girls are about to face trying to fit in with an 18th century Viennese crowd, time-appropriate attire or no. Speaking of which:

Kimber: Period costumes? Oh, outrageous!

Shut. Up. Kimber.

Jem "Journey Through Time" (part 2 of 3)

So some guy with a powdered wig comes in asking for “Costanzia”, but not before unleashing the craziest, girliest, chipmunkiest, most groan-inducing giggle I’ve ever heard in a cartoon that’s actually trying to be relatively serious, and honest to god I just want to punch this jackass in the face. No really, I want to kick him until he bleeds.

And why am I suddenly reminded of Rio? Where is Rio?

Jem "Journey Through Time" (part 2 of 3)

Turns out our manic little pixie is Mozart, which would explain the annoying laugh, I guess. After learning that the girls are musicians, Mozart insists they hear his music. He prances off before they can answer, but it’s not like they’re complaining, because they’re all too busy admiring his fine, historical ass.

He begins to play a sonata you’re heard before, but probably do not know the name of, and then he decides it’s shit and promptly dissolves into a mass of man-tears.

Jem "Journey Through Time" (part 2 of 3)

It turns out he’s afraid that his rival Salieri will have him killed the moment he walks out his front door. And because the Holograms can totally relate, one (Aja, the Asian one) begins talking him down and rubbing his head in a really gross and inappropriate way. And he’s enjoying it.

Mozart: You may call me… Wolfy. [manic laughter]

God, I never realized how dirty these cartoons are.

Jem "Journey Through Time" (part 2 of 3)

The girls promise to distract Salieri’s men while Wolfy gets to the concert, and because this is a children’s show, I’m guessing no flashing will be involved, though you know these girls would totally do it. Dude, Aja’s kissing him on the head? Inappropriate adult themes!

So Synergy uses a hologram to turn Shana, the black girl, into Mozart, and you know she hates it, but if she’s anything like me, she’d just roll with it, because if I were stuck in 18th century Vienna, I’d want a giant hologram-making machine to turn me into the two things that I am not: white and a guy. It’s just safer that way.

To read the rest of this article, support the Agony Booth on Patreon.
This is an archived post. This post is available to patrons who pledge at least $2 on Patreon. Pledging this amount gives access to all archived articles published after 2010. (For access to articles older than 2010, pledge at least $5.)

Click “Unlock with Patreon” to sign up with Patreon or to log in with your existing Patreon account.
Already a qualifying Patreon member? Refresh to access this content.
Multi-Part Article: Jem "Journey Through Time"

You may also like...