Jem “Journey Through Time” (part 1 of 3)
So I stare at the episode file on my computer for a good while, because I’ve got two seasons of Fringe waiting patiently for me to ravage them, but I’ve gotta put it off to watch Jem and her RuPaul-looking glamazons travel through time.
Furious, my inner child bitch-slaps me and calls me an F’ing pansy, and when that doesn’t work, it lures me in like a pedo with chocolate by reminding me of how awesome and cracktastic the show’s theme song is. You know the one: Glamour and glitter, fashion and fame! Da da da, Jem is truly outrageous! Truly, truly, truly outrageous!
I defy you not to sing along.
Inner Child’s plan: Being too lazy to just youtube the damn theme, I will click the file, rock out to the theme song in my underwear, and then just keep watching because it’s playing anyway, and eventually something hilarious will happen to remind me why recapping this show is so damn fun. And for a while, this works.
But then, I click the file and—
What the hell? What the hell is this?
Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!
I forgot that back in the ‘80s, some bastard got drunk off his ass and ordered whoever controls the music on this show to make a new theme song, one with such a vast lack of awesomeness that my ears spontaneously bleed just to keep the sound from coming in. Ugh, it’s like the Glee version of “Bad Romance”. How did such fail come to exist?
“Me and my friends are Jem girls”? Isn’t it so totally possessive and arrogant to completely reshape your friends’ identities to revolve solely around you, just because you’re the star/main character? They’re their own people, dammit! And they have names! Like Token Black Girl. And Token Asian Girl. Random Add On. And Kimber, the bratty little sister you secretly wish would just die and then die again because dying once isn’t enough!
In fact, what does it even mean to be a “Jem Girl”? Especially for Jem, who is Jem, except for when she’s not, so isn’t it entirely nonsensical and self-serving to refer to herself like that, every bit as if she’d referred to herself in the third person? (But it’s perfectly fine when the Rock does that, because…well, I just like looking at him. Come on, you could bounce a quarter off that.)
And I’m literally two seconds into this episode, and my mind is already being crushed under the weight of my undying She-Hulk raaaaaage.
Oh, for sure. Because once you start going to the meetings, the Leader and his “helpers” will start passing out little white paper cups of “love juice”, and pamphlets about how you’re actually an immortal spiritual being who’s forgotten your true nature, but as long as you stay in the family, you’ll be freed of all your pain and receive nothing but unconditional love at all times, until She-nu the Glittering One descends and smites the wicked and takes the outrageous back up to She-Glam Heaven. And if right now you’re thinking that doesn’t sound too bad? You’re already a Jem Girl.
So the producers were either trying to create an army of dead-eyed little girls to crush America (and really, if you’ve noticed Justin Bieber trending on Twitter, you’ll know this is very doable), or they realized that their first theme song didn’t really drive home the “you can be as cool as Jem if you buy the crap we sell you!” message and, in the spirit of consumerism, upped the ante in the creepiest, most tuneless way possible.
Or is this the first theme song? Hmm. Wiki tells me nothing. If so, feel free to ignore all of the above.
Regardless, this song is whack (yes, “whack”, like your momma) and I weep into the Jem dolls I secretly bought off eBay. Then I suck it up and watch the episode.