Mar 23, 2018
Jane the Virgin: All is Fair in Love and Mommy Wars
Jane the Virgin dives into the unmitigated horror that is… mommy blogs! Plus, a spring break college party somehow goes wrong, Michael may have found a new love interest, and Rogelio refuses to say his line without parental approval.
Welcome back from another Jane the Virgin hiatus! Thankfully, the next three episodes are lined up so no more awkward mid-mid-mid season finales. Here’s a quick refresher:
- Jane is accidentally pregnant with Rafael’s baby, and they should be happy now, right? Wrong! Unfortunately for me and my ship, Jane is starting to doubt her feelings for Rafael
- Since she’s been bumping into Michael a lot lately, Jane wonders if she made the right choice
- Michael would be happy to get back with Jane, especially since he and Rogelio are now BFFs, but the arrival of his ex-girlfriend Andie might complicate things
- Petra and Rafael are still desperately trying to save the hotel, and in the process Petra is falling back in love with him
- Xiomara and Rogelio have officially moved in together, except Alba disapproves of them “living in sin”
- Oh, yeah, and Roman Zazo’s twin Aaron is still hanging around for some reason
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
The Narrator tells us that there are a lot of opinions when it comes to parenting. For example, sixteen-year-old Xiomara and Alba argued over whether Jane was becoming to dependent on her pacifier, and now, in the present, Jane is getting not so silently judged by the mom in the Target aisle for not planning on co-sleeping with her baby. “It’s okay,” the mom tells Jane. “Everything’s a choice.”
Except yours is the wrong one, bitch.
Predictably, Jane freaks out and realizes she knows nothing about parenting, so she decides to take a lactation class even though she’s not lactating. Meanwhile, Rafael is super chill about parenting and work. Since their successful party for Calle Ocho, Rafael has decided that they should turn the Marbella Hotel into a spring break destination. What drunken college kids don’t want to party at hotel in Miami that has cheap rates on account of all the murders and drug deals that have gone down in the place? I’d be super down! Petra is hesitant to spend all that money to attract a crowd that can’t afford any meal grander than Taco Bell, but melts when Rafael tells her to trust him. She agrees but insists that Rafael needs to get the proper permits.
Jane tries to convince Alba to make up with Xiomara after their fight, but Alba is not having it. So Jane goes to Xiomara and Rogelio’s love pad to get Xiomara to tag along to the lactation class with her. Michael is there, hanging out with Rogelio, which makes things awkward, but he quickly leaves. Jane tries to convince Xiomara to apologize to Alba, but Xiomara is too happy and in love to care what Alba thinks. Until she realizes she and Rogelio haven’t said “I love you” to each other yet.
At the lactation class, Jane is easily impressionable and gets scared by the teacher’s stories about baby-snatching doctors and the chemicals in formula bottles. Xiomara rightfully points out that Jane was born in a hospital, fed formula, and still turned out perfectly fine, but Jane ignores her.
Jane is lucky she doesn’t live on the West Coast because I have a feeling she’d be accidentally sucked into a lot of cults.
The teacher tells Jane to go to the online mommy communities for more research. I scream, “NOOOOOOO!” at my screen, but Jane doesn’t hear me because she is sucked into the mommy blogs and becomes increasingly fearful that she is doing everything wrong. Jane is visited by her future child, who screams that Jane is a terrible mom.
“It’s not too late to go to Planned Parenthood and end this right now, is it?”
Instead of taking back a step, Jane decides to hit the parenting books even harder. Xiomara and Rogelio come by Casa Villanueva to pick up more of her boxes. Jane takes the opportunity to ask Rogelio to dial down his BFF relationship with Michael to just F. I mean, friends! Not the other F. Rogelio is saddened but agrees.
To help with the baby anxiety, Xiomara shows Jane a baby picture of herself to prove that you can be a good parenting without the mommy blogs, except Jane is shocked at all the outdated parenting techniques Xiomara used. “You can read all the parenting books you want, but trust me; with an actual baby, it’s different,” Xiomara tells her. This does not help Jane, who probably plans her own bathroom breaks. Now that she can’t prepare, what can she do?
Petra has a flirty lunch with Aaron but is called away by Rafael. He tells her that their party permit has been denied, but since they already spent so much money, he thinks they should go ahead with it. Petra reminds him that there will be Serious Consequences if they get caught, but Rafael insists. “What can go wrong?” he asks. Oh man…he’s asking for it, isn’t he? Meanwhile, Rogelio invites Michael to the almost absolutely doomed party to meet another girl. Although Rogelio declares himself #TeamMichael, he tells Michael that he needs to #MoveOn from Jane. Michael agrees that maybe he should.
Jane confides in Rafael all her fears about the baby, but he is once again called away for the party. Jane feels all “Cats in the Cradle” and is upset that Rafael is abandoning her in her time of need, but dude, Rafael needs a hotel to run if they’re going to be able to afford any cradles. Not to mention the fact that Jane is just freaking out over nothing. This isn’t like the time when they thought their baby might have a birth defect. Jane is just going on the mommy blogs too much. What’s Rafael supposed to do? Take away her laptop?
Jane tags along to her friend Andie’s babysitting session and advises Andie how to text her ex-boyfriend, whom she doesn’t know is Michael. Andie has to leave to get more diapers, so Jane is stuck with a crying infant. Xiomara drops by and tries to help, but Jane snaps that all of Xiomara’s parenting techniques are wrong. Xiomara storms off and now Jane has no friends, a still crying baby, and no parenting book to help her.
“What To Expect When You’re Expecting did not prepare me for this.”
The baby finally stops crying, and Alba tells Jane that she is doing a great job. Jane complains how Xiomara was constantly criticizing her, and Alba has a flashback to when she did the same thing to Xiomara when Jane was a baby. “The hardest thing about being a parent is knowing when to stop being a parent,” she sighs. No, the hardest thing about being a parent is helping your kids with algebra homework.
Rogelio confides in Michael about his relationship problems and tells him how mad Xiomara got when she bought a “love” picture frame and Rogelio suggested putting a picture of his mother in it. Michael quickly deduces why Xiomara is so mad. “She just wants to you say ‘I love you,'” he says. “And to stop putting so many pictures of your mom around the house. Dude, that’s weird.”
Michael has a flashback to the adorable moment when he and Jane first said “I love you” to each other. He asks Rogelio if Jane is really going to last with Rafael, and even though Rogelio is on #Team Michael, he gives the #TeamMoveOn answer. “Move on, Michael,” he says.
Meanwhile, Aaron notices that Petra is still hung up on Rafael. And Petra notices that cops are talking to Rafael. The cops busted some underage drinkers, and now they are demanding to see the special events permit…which Rafael doesn’t have. They are ordered to shut the party down, and the cop warns that the Marbella is in big trouble.
“Stupid college kids and their fake IDs. Should have catered to the elderly instead.”
Michael calls Andie, and she asks how he’s doing after his break up with Jane. So Andie knows exactly who Jane is and is what, trying to get close to her to suss out her chances with Michael? Creepy, Andie.
Petra visits Aaron and informs him that the hotel lost its liquor license, which means they’re in a bigger hole. Petra calls herself stupid for letting her feelings for Rafael get in the way of business and kisses Aaron to also #MoveOn from someone she can’t have. However, she realizes it’s a bad idea to make out with the identical twin brother of the guy she was cheating on her husband with and runs away.
Rogelio attempts to fix his problems with Xiomara. She thinks he’s going to say “I love you,” but Rogelio explains he can’t say it until he knows Xiomara and his mother will get along. Xiomara is not thrilled she has to wait for Mommie Dearest to arrive, but the rumors say that Rogelio’s mom will be played by Rita Moreno so I’m excited.
Rafael comes home and angrily drinks his problems away, which isn’t a really good strategy to take when there’s a baby on the way. He and Jane get into another argument about him working too much and her worrying too much, and she storms off. In the morning, he meets up to apologize. Jane admits she is worried that she will be all alone taking care of the baby. This is the part where Jane wants Rafael to say, “No problem, babe! I’ll pitch in!” but instead Rafael says, “Okay, let’s get a nanny then.” Since Jane isn’t happy, Rafael promises they can figure it out later and says “I love you” to put a Band-aid on the situation. Jane worries that she is making a mistake.
“Well, at least he says “I love you” to my face. That’s good, right?”
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara and Alba finally make up when they bond over the trials and tribulations of parenting. They tell Jane that she doesn’t have to worry so much because they will all pitch in to help.
Aaron stops by Petra’s office, and she apologizes for kissing him. She hugs him and notices a very familiar birthmark on his shoulder. Petra runs to Rafael and tells him that she thinks Aaron is actually Roman!
Wait, how can this be? I thought Roman died? Or was that the real twin? Does he even have a twin?!
So to recap:
- Roman is alive, after all! I’m still not sure how that works. I’m getting double vision trying to figure this out
- Jane is doubting her relationship with Rafael since he seems to have 50s attitude concerning parenting
- Xiomara is about to hear the three magic words from Rogelio, but she has to pass inspection from Rogelio’s mom first. That won’t be easy, considering Rita Moreno has an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and a Tony
- Michael might be getting back together with Andie to #MoveOn from Jane. Except Andie seems to be a little more manipulative than she looks. Maybe there’s a good reason why she and Michael didn’t work out in the first place