Jul 30, 2017
Jane the Virgin RECAP: Shock You Like a Hurricane (S1:E10)
Alright, it’s been a long while since the mid-season finale so let’s refresh our memories.
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Jane the Pregnant Virgin and Rafael the Reformed Playboy are finally dating!
- It’s a match made in telenovela heaven!
- And they got rid of Petra for good!
- No, for real this time.
- Jane and Rafael did some digging and found out that Petra’s real name is Natalia
- What they don’t know is that Petra is on the run from her crazy Czech ex-boyfriend and is currently holding a Czech hostage in the hotel
- Petra would like to keep it that way and has agreed to back off
- In minor subplot news: Xiomara is finally going to go after Rogelio, Luisa has been unfairly committed because her girlfriend/step-mother doesn’t want anyone to know about their situation (well, can you blame her?), and Michael is doing blah blah Sin Rostro blah blah drug dealer in the hotel blah blah he thinks it’s Rafael blah blah no one cares
- But you know what everybody cares about? Alba! She got pushed down the stairs by Petra’s wheelchair-bound mother, Magda, who isn’t actually wheelchair-bound like we thought!
- So she’s been falsely taking up all those handicapped spots all this time? Escandalo!
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
The Narrator tells us the story of how young Jane got into the Catholic religion. Was it because she was overcome by the Holy Spirit and was told to lead the French to victory? No, that was Joan of Arc. Was it because she had a near-death experience and saw Heaven? No, that was that little kid who got the book deal.
Jane started getting into the whole Catholic thing because she wanted to pray that her mom wouldn’t make anyone sick at Bring a Food from Your Heritage Day.
Well, if your mom’s mac and cheese looked like this, you’d pray too.
After dinner, young Jane asks Alba to teach her to pray. “Like the right way,” she says. “I need an inside into the Big Man’s direct line.” Alba teaches Jane how to pray a rosary, and now in the present, as Jane and Xiomara anxiously watch over Alba’s unconscious body in the hospital, all Jane wants to do is pray.
The doctor comes in and is all, “Heyyyy, good news, Alba is going to live and wake up soon!” And Jane is all, “Cut the bull. I’m in a telenovela where there is no good news. Give it to me straight.” The doctor admits that they don’t know when Alba will wake up, and if she does, she will most likely lose her memory or parts of speech.
Jane decides that they need to pray on Alba’s special rosary, the one with the direct line to God, to help Alba get better…but she can’t find it. She deduces that Alba must have dropped the rosary when she fell and decides to go back to the hotel to find it.
Xiomara points out that a hurricane is approaching and it’s too dangerous, but Jane doesn’t care—she needs that rosary so God will hear their prayers.
“Uh, Jane honey? It’s God. I can hear you just fine. Please stay where you are.”
Meanwhile, in a pointless Michael scene, Michael and his partner Nadine find a secret tunnel that they think Sin Rostro might be using.
NO ONE CARES.
Okay, I’m going to have a little faith in the writers that this Sin Rostro subplot pans out because right now it seems really stupid that Jane’s ex-boyfriend is still getting subplots when he’s not even involved in her life anymore. But if he’s still around, then that means their stories are going to eventually intersect, right? So is Sin Rostro going to be someone from Jane’s life? Is it Alba? Xiomara? Jane herself? Come on, diapers ain’t cheap. She’d totally resort to drug trafficking.
In the subplot that people care about, Rafael begs his dad to let him take over the hotel’s emergency hurricane procedures to prove that he is responsible now. Rafael’s dad is like, “Okay, now go fire half your staff to prove that you’re really responsible.”
“Crap. I didn’t want to be THAT responsible.”
Rafael goes to his office to get his work done, and Petra is waiting for him. She’s signed the divorce papers and demands her pre-nup money before she goes on her merry way. Instead of paying the crazy Czech girl so she’ll finally be out of his life for good, Rafael squeezes out of the pre-nup through the smallest loophole in history by pointing out that he signed a pre-nup with Petra, not “Natalia.”
Petra tries to appeal to Rafael’s mercy by admitting the truth: she changed her name because she was on the run from a dangerous ex and needs the money to start a new life. But you know the funny thing about liars? People don’t know when you’ve really stopped lying so they just decide to stop believing everything you say full-stop. Rafael points out that it isn’t out of character for Petra to make up crazy stories in an attempt to weasel stuff out of him and refuses to believe her sob story.
Coming soon to a children’s bookshelf near you!
If you’re wondering what Michael is up to (but I bet you weren’t), he and the team broke through the secret tunnel and found that it connects to a medical recovery room in the hotel. There are five patients registered to that room, but Rafael had them all moved to an actual hospital before the hurricane hit. Naturally, Michael assumes that Rafael is Sin Rostro trying to cover his tracks. Nadine reasonably suggests that maybe Rafael’s father is the drug dealer, but Michael won’t listen to logic because he is obsessed with getting back at Rafael and into the main story. “Dammit, I must find a way into the A plot!” yells Michael, and he goes off to irrationally accuse Rafael of things.
If you are wondering if Jane finally found the rosary (which I bet you were since Alba is more interesting), she did… but now the roads are closed so she is stuck at the hotel. Jane’s work friends hear a rumor about the layoffs and beg her to put in a good word for them.
“Please, Jane, I need this job,” begs Lina. “I drink for free and it’s so close to my gym.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that!”
Jane tries to ask Rafael, but he is too entangled in a dick measuring contest with Michael to pay attention to her. She calls Xiomara to get an update on Alba, but their call gets cut off by the storm. Luckily, Rogelio shows up at the hospital to comfort Xiomara with the swag bag from the after-party.
Jane’s friends ask her how the layoff talk went and get annoyed when Jane admits she didn’t ask. Lina points out that Jane is going to be okay—her baby daddy owns the hotel and her father is a rich telenovela star—but the rest of them have actual adult problems like paying rent and stuff.
Feeling guilty, Jane asks Rafael to see the list and sees that her friend Frankie is on it. At the hospital, the doctor informs Xiomara that since Alba is an undocumented immigrant and has no insurance, the hospital will notify the I.C.E. and Alba will be deported.
This was exactly my reaction. #ImmigrationReform
It’s nice of Jane the Virgin to insert a storyline about immigration reform here, but why did they have to deport Alba? Why couldn’t they deport Michael instead?
Speaking of the devil, Michael gets on the same elevator as Jane, but then it gets stuck. Wait, why are the elevators running during a hurricane? The Narrator explains that this is a classic telenovela trope to get two characters at odds alone together.
So Michael is getting into the A plot after all, huh? Damn.
Rose manages to get to the mental institution Luisa is staying at to apologize. She tells Luisa that she’s in love with her, but Luisa is not having it.
“Hello?! You put me into a mental institution!”
In the elevator, Jane cries to Michael about her worries for Alba, and he uses his walkie talkie to let Jane talk to Xiomara, who informs Jane about Alba’s possible deportation. Michael comforts Jane, and when the elevators finally get moving, Rafael sees them and is not pleased.
Meanwhile, the Czech hostage has escaped his bonds and flees from Petra and Magda’s apartment. Who cares? Alba could be deported for God’s sake!
Rogelio tells Xiomara that he’s already placed several calls to U.N. ambassadors and Gloria Estefan. One of them will surely halt Alba’s unfair exile.
And I think we know which one.
Jane asks Rafael to save her friend’s job, and he’s like, “Okay, but this means I gotta fire another one of your friends.” The other friend is a single mom with two kids, so Jane figures her thin, pretty blonde friend will be okay and decides to stop meddling in her workplace.
Rose is stuck at the mental institution because the roads are bad, and since Luisa has been locked up with no loving, she agrees to have sex with Rose. Rose promises Luisa that they can get together as soon as Emilio stops acting so stressed about something called “Alegria.” Luisa explains that Alegria is the name of Emilio’s home in Croatia, and Rose makes an excuse to quickly leave.
As it turns out, that was all she came for.
They had a pun and they took it.
Alba finally wakes up as Xiomara prays, but Alba pretends to be unconscious a little longer until after Xiomara promises to not have sex until she’s married. The doctor reports that Alba is fine and the issue of her deportation has gone away.
Gracias, Gloria Estefan!
Normally, I want to wrap this up since nothing else truly interesting is happening, but I’m obligated to tell you the rest of the dumb subplots.
- Michael figures out that plastic surgeries are being performed in the hotel and Sin Rostro must have changed his face
- Petra and Magda lost their Czech hostage and now Petra’s crazy ex is coming after them
- Luisa is going to break out of the mental institution
- Rose reports that maybe Rafael’s father is Sin Rostro after all!
Goddammit, now Michael’s back in the A Plot.
- Oh, and Michael was the one who saved Alba, not Gloria Estefan. He is still in love with Jane apparently. “And would still be until his very last breath,” reports the Narrator.
Does this mean that Michael is going to die?
This pleases Gloria Estefan. And me.
So let’s review:
- Rafael’s father is probably Sin Rostro so we’ll finally get that mystery wrapped up
- Petra and Magda are going to have to face their crazy Czech past
- Luisa is going to break out of the mental institution to be with Rose, who was only using her for information
- Alba is alive and well and staying in America! Thanks to Michael Gloria Estefan!
- Xiomara will pursue Rogelio, except she promised God not to sleep with him until he put a ring on it
- Jane and Rafael are together, although Jane may now be confused thanks to Michael’s investigation