Jane the Virgin: Wrestlemania!

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Rafael dumped Jane because he feels he’s not ready to be in a relationship with her
  • Rogelio dumped Xiomara because she kissed Hot Soccer Dad and waited until their Las Vegas photoshoot to tell him
  • Petra was kidnapped by Roman Zazo and no one noticed or cared. So she called her scheming mother Magda because no one responded to her Craigslist ad for friends
  • Alba suddenly remembered that Magda was the one who pushed her down the stairs! Oh man, that was so many episodes ago. Is that still going to be important?

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

Picking up from last episode, Alba has just remembered that Magda pushed her down the stairs. Jane wants to report Magda to the police for attempted murder. Wait, that’s the charge Jane thinks they can put Magda away on? With no evidence, no eyewitnesses, and the fact that the police probably won’t prosecute a crime that happened 11 episodes ago? Alba tells Jane that she doesn’t want to deal with the police and hey, she met Father Cheech in physical therapy so it all turned out okay. Jane isn’t happy, but she has to worry about her baby being in breech, which affects her chances of having a natural childbirth, so she backs off.

Meanwhile, Xiomara has her own troubles since Rogelio dumped her and kicked her out of the love pad. He’s not only mad that Xiomara cheated on him; he’s also mad that Xiomara cheated on him after he took a job at a space-themed telenovela just to stay in Miami with her.

That job actually sounds awesome so I don’t know why he’s complaining.

Luckily for Rogelio, Head Writer Carla comes to his trailer to beg him to come back to his old show. Speaking of people returning, guess who is back in town? Luisa! She didn’t run off with Rose/Sin Rostro like we all thought; instead, she went on another spiritual retreat and got a pro wrestler girlfriend named Juicy Jordan.

JANE THE VIRGIN: Wrestlemania!

“I don’t know whether to be aroused or frightened.”

Luisa explains that she discovered the hotel was in trouble and is taking back control of her shares to help out. Her first duty is to break the tie between Rafael and Petra over whether the Marbella should be turned into timeshares. Petra and Rafael are hesitant to let Luisa help run things since she’s been away for so long and is a recovering alcoholic/hippie dippie/wrestling fangirl. “I have an IQ of 152, and I basically got through med school drunk so I’ll figure it out,” shrugs Luisa.

Surprisingly, that doesn’t really comfort Rafael or Petra.

Also at the hotel, Jane runs into Magda, who got a job with help from Petra. “You almost killed my grandmother!” shouts Jane.

Magda shrugs and says, “If you can’t prove it, then I didn’t do it.”

At Casa Villanueva, Jane tries to convince Alba to go to the police when Xiomara overhears. They explain what happened, and Xiomara suggests calling Michael to help with the case. She reveals that he helped out with Alba’s last immigration snafu, much to the surprise of Jane.

Jane goes to the police station to thank Michael and asks for his help to prosecute Magda. Meanwhile, Petra demands to know what attempted murder charge Jane is talking about. Magda tells her that Alba saw the Czech Hostage in their room and she had to do something to keep her from talking.

Alba goes to confession and admits to asking out a priest. The priest hearing her confession is none other than Father Cheech himself, and he tells her that God said it was okay for them to be friends.

Petra and Rafael meet with Luisa to see if she’s decided between the timeshares or getting another loan, but on the advice of her new gal-toy, Luisa proposes that they host a wrestling match starring (who else?) Juicy Jordan to make some cash! Neither Petra or Rafael are excited by the idea, but they don’t want to say no to Luisa in case she votes against their ideas.

“Looks like we’re having a wrestling match at the Marbella,” says Petra.

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Don King would have had a field day with these two.

Jane goes to talk to Rogelio and convince him to take Xiomara back, but Rogelio explains that when his first wife cheated on him, it was all over the tabloids and he can’t take that humiliation again. Jane reports this to Xiomara, but Xiomara insists on meeting with Rogelio to explain herself.

Michael interrogates Magda and Petra, but they have their story tight and he can’t poke any holes in it. Instead of telling Jane that this is just a dead end “she said, she said” case, he offers to continue investigating. He tells Jane to stay away from Magda, but he forgot to tell Magda to stay away from Jane. Magda orders Jane to drop the case or else she will turn Alba in for being undocumented. Jane immediately tattles to Rafael and tells him to have Magda fired. Petra cuts in and refuses to let her mother be fired. Rafael doesn’t know whether to side with his ex-wife/current business partner or his ex-girlfriend/current mother of his child, but ultimately he decides to pick Jane and tells Petra to find Magda a job elsewhere.

Surprisingly, there are a lot of female pro-wrestling fans in Miami, and they all show up to the fight at the Marbella. Jane invites Xiomara and Rogelio to the fight so they can finally talk to each other, but Rogelio isn’t interested in talking about his relationship in public, especially when there are telenovela fans at the wrestling match who keep taking pictures of him.

Huh. What are the chances that those crowds would overlap?

Rogelio’s lament about the paparazzi gives Jane an idea to look for pictures at the hotel’s after party to disprove Petra’s alibi. Instead, she discovers that Alba really did see a man in the hotel room!

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Or the Marbella is just haunted. I mean, it’s already a magnet for bad luck.

Michael shows the picture to Petra, but she pretends the Czech Hostage was just a plumber she called. Michael tells Petra that if her story was true, then she needs to come up with the proof. “Damn, I should have said it was a ghost,” sighs Petra.

Luisa is thrilled with the success of the wrestling match and suggests to Rafael that they host more matches. Rafael blows up and harshly tells Luisa that the only reason she had her match was because Petra and Rafael were sucking up to her. “Finally, a moment of honesty!” says Luisa. She reveals that she knew all along and decided to have some fun and get press for her girlfriend.

Luisa asks Rafael to talk to her and he tells her everything that happened after she left–his break up with Jane, meeting his mother, his desire to preserve their father’s legacy. Luisa is sympathetic but warns him that Jane isn’t going to wait for Rafael to fix the hotel.

At Casa Villanueva, Jane burns a moxa candle to turn the baby but falls asleep and almost causes a house fire. Alba puts the fire out and demands to know why Jane didn’t ask for help. “Because I was trying to learn how to do things on my own!” sobs Jane. “Because I’m a single mother now, and I didn’t see it coming!”

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“Goddammit, I thought I beat that stereotype!”

Alba reminds Jane that she is not alone, and we have our obligatory “hug and cry as soft music plays” moment. In the night, the baby turns on its own, and Jane is relieved.

At the police station, Czech Hostage is called in and he goes along with the lie that he was a plumber. As it turns out, Petra’s Crazy Czech Ex paid him to keep up the lie. “Say what you will about psychopathic ex-boyfriends, but sometimes they buy hotels and pay former hostages to lie on your behalf,” says the Narrator. So the case is dead, much to Jane’s disappointment. Michael warns her that Luisa is back in town, which means Sin Rostro/Rose might be too. Ugh, that subplot again?

In a more interesting minor plotline, Alba goes on a not-date with Father Cheech. She tells him that she is glad they can be friends, but he tells her, “I’m fooling myself to think that we can just be friends.” Oooh, is it date then?

Petra tells Rafael that they can take out another loan and she will fire Magda, hoping that this will bring her and Rafael closer. However, Rafael is hoping to get closer to Jane again. He tells her Magda is gone, and she asks when Petra will leave as well. Rafael points out that Petra had a crazy Czech guy buy a third of the hotel so he can’t get rid of her, but Jane refuses to be around Petra anymore so she quits. Rafael points out this is useless since the baby will come visit him at the hotel so Jane and Petra will eventually have to interact.

It is at this point Jane realizes she made a bad decision to co-parent with a guy whose former step-mother is a drug lord, whose business partner is his scheming ex-wife, and who owns a hotel where various criminal activities constantly happen. And also female pro-wrestling.

Jane announces to her family that she is going to sue Rafael for full custody.

So let’s review:

  • Jane is going to sue Rafael for custody because she has finally realized that he has too much drama around him
  • Luisa is back in town! And she has a pro-wrestler girlfriend! Oh, Luisa. You sure know how to pick them.
  • Rogelio and Xiomara are still broken up
  • Alba might be developing a romance with Father Cheech
  • Petra thinks she has a chance with Rafael. Since Jane won’t take him back, maybe she does…

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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