Mar 23, 2018
Jane the Virgin RECAP: Totally Nasty Smiles (S1:E6)
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Jane was artificially inseminated with Rafael’s sperm and is currently carrying his child
- Rafael now has a crush on Jane and is even divorcing Petra, who isn’t going to let go of Rafael’s money without a fight
- Oh yeah, Petra has a shady past of her own with these Czech dudes who want money
- Michael is looking for a drug kingpin, Sin Rostro, in Rafael’s hotel
- Jane finally met her birth father, the telenovela star Rogelio. After a painfully awkward start, Jane and Rogelio are going to try to build a relationship.
- Rogelio and Xiomara’s relationship is on hold because Rogelio is still seeing (and sleeping with) other women
- Jane is currently mad at Michael because he hid Petra’s extramarital affairs from her, so who knows if that wedding is still going to happen
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving head first into telenovela land.
The Narrator takes us back to Jane’s 21st birthday party, which could only be described as “epic.” The doorbell rings, and a drunk Jane answers it. Standing in the doorway is none other than Michael in his shiny new police uniform! He and Jane gaze meaningfully into each other’s eyes. So what happens next?
- Do Jane and Michael flirt, causing Michael to forget about the noise complaint against Casa Villanueva and ask her out instead?
- Does Michael gives Jane a ticket for excessive noise, but when she turns it over, it’s actually his phone number and an invitation to call him?
- Does Jane mistake him for a stripper and pull him into the party?
If you guessed A or B, then you’ve forgotten that this show is supposed to be over the top.
Jane and the party goers think Michael is a stripper and compliment him on his realistic costume. Jane even takes his gun, thinking it’s a prop gun, and fires it into the ceiling.
Later that night, a somehow completely sober Jane and Michael end up sitting on the couch, watching an unrealistic telenovela. Michael asks Jane to translate the Spanish on the show and she obliges. “‘From our first meeting, I knew it was you,’” she says. “Also, the guy said that he is very grateful that the lady did not arrest him for excessive noise or stealing an officer’s gun.”
They kiss goodnight, and so begins their relationship.
Except now, in the future, we might be approaching the end of their relationship since Jane is still really mad that Michael lied to her about Petra’s affair. He shows up at Casa Villanueva and asks to talk, but Jane isn’t having it. “We gotta get married,” he reminds her. However, Jane isn’t so sure about the wedding and sends him away.
She decides to focus on her dinner with Rogelio, who wants to introduce Jane to his step-daughters. Additionally, Jane has finally been assigned her student teaching placement. In case you forgot, Jane is studying to become a teacher. Don’t worry if you did—this teaching stuff hasn’t been mentioned since the pilot.
To Jane’s dismay, she is assigned to a Catholic high school, which sucks for her because she hated high school. “Maybe you don’t tell them you’re a pregnant virgin,” adds Xiomara.
“The nuns or the high schoolers?” asks Jane.
“Both,” says Alba.
The police, led by Michael, knock on Rafael’s apartment and arrest him for spousal abuse as Petra looks on. “I’m sorry, Rafael, I had to tell them what you did,” she says. “Hope this doesn’t make my attempt to reconcile with you awkward!”
So Micheal works homicide, drug enforcement, and personally serves arrest warrants for domestic assault? Most cops get assigned to a specific department, but I guess Michael’s just a team player. Also, when a domestic assault victim files a police report, the cops don’t usually send the victim home to hang out with the abuser until they finally get around to picking him up.
Meanwhile, Rogelio is coaching Xiomara to prepare for her singing debut at the hotel. They are about to kiss but are interrupted by Melissa, Rogelio’s ex-wife/manager. As soon as Rogelio leaves the room, the claws come out. Melissa accuses Xiomara of being a gold digger and using Rogelio to further her nonexistent singing career.
“Oh yeah?” says Xiomara. “Well, you are a nasty—”
“Smile!” says Rogelio as he forces his former step-daughters—Melissa’s twins Valeria and Victoria—to take a selfie with him, Jane, and Jane’s family. “Hashtag awkward family dinner,” snarks Valeria.
The girls are jealous and annoyed that they have to move to Miami all because Rogelio wants to be closer to Jane. They ask her if she really is a pregnant virgin and not-so-innocently ask, “What’s wrong? Couldn’t find anyone to have sex with you?”
Those nasty little smiles.
Jane doesn’t want to antagonize the twins any further, but Rogelio isn’t picking up on the resentment and gives Jane a new car.
Meanwhile, Michael and his partner are looking for clues connected to Sin Rostro in the hotel. They find a phone number and call, but there is no answer. Michael sees on his calendar that Jane is beginning her student teaching and wishes her luck.
Unfortunately for Jane, Valeria and Victoria are also at the same Catholic high school she is teaching at. They not so innocently ask why the school is allowing an unmarried pregnant woman to teach them. Jane tries to explain that she is actually an unmarried, pregnant virgin. “Like Mary!” she says. “You guys like that chick, right? She’s cool, right?”
The nuns are displeased that Jane didn’t tell them that she was living in a telenovela, but they agree to let her stay on the condition that there is no more drama. The twins exchange nasty little smiles. Actual ones, not the metaphor I am using.
Jane complains about the twins to Xiomara but resolves to ask Rogelio to handle them. Jane also instructs her mother to be the bigger person and take the high road when she deals with Melissa. Unfortunately for her, Melissa is more interested in being the smaller person who takes the low road. Melissa purposefully picks musicians who have all previously slept with Rogelio to be in Xiomara’s band.
Jane catches Rogelio and gives him a heads up about the twin’s misbehavior. She asks him to tone down the attention on her. He promises to talk to them. Whoa, it was that easy? It’s kind of refreshing how Jane the Virgin has characters talk about their problems to each other instead of doing this little dance, “Oh, I can’t tell them anything! Oh, they won’t believe me!”
Except that means the drama comes from characters completely mishandling situations, thinking they are fixing the problem. I’m betting that Rogelio will buy both the twins a car and pretend that he no longer knows anyone named Jane in an attempt to appease their jealousy.
Jane runs into Rafael at work and senses something is wrong. He immediately tells her how Petra is claiming abuse in order to blackmail him for more money in the divorce settlement. Jane also plays the “My Life is More Complicated: Telenovela Edition” game and complains about the twins and the Catholic school to him. Rafael doesn’t understand why Jane hates high school, and she explains that her mom dated a popular girl’s dad and when things ended badly, the popular girl turned the whole school against Jane. Rafael can’t believe it.
I can believe Jane was accidentally artificially inseminated. I can believe that her birth father is an international telenovela star. I can even believe that she works in a hotel where there are constant murder investigations and a drug cartel passing through. But I cannot believe that someone played by Gina Rodriguez was hated by everyone in high school. Nope, that is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Anyway, Jane tells Rafael that she and Michael are having problems, and he is all, “Oh really?” He thinks this might be his opening to get into her opening. Rafael immediately tries to wrap up his loose strings with Petra so he can be free to pursue Jane, but Petra is serious about getting more money. “What’s mine is yours,” she tells him. A delivery man drops of Zazo’s ashes, and Rafael pawns them off on Petra. “What’s mine is yours,” he reminds her.
At the Catholic school, the twins arrive in their new cars. Totally called it! Now we just have to wait for the scene where Jane attempts to talk to Rogelio and he is all, “Jane? Jane who? I know nobody named Jane!” in front of the twins.
However, the twins aren’t done with the drama and take embarrassing pictures of Jane to post on their website, which mocks her status as a pregnant virgin. In addition, they smash their own tablets and blame it on Jane. The nuns are displeased with Jane and fire her.
Unfortunately for Jane, her school won’t arrange another teaching placement for her so now she has no job and the twins still hate her. “Now it’s your turn to listen to me,” says Xiomara. “Because I know how to take down sixteen-year-old nasty smiles.”
Jane enlists Rafael to dazzle the twins with his abs and distract them so she can steal their phones. Meanwhile, Petra and her mother, Magda, are squatting in the apartment until Rafael gives her more money, but Rafael has shut off the power and water in an attempt to smoke them out. Then a Sketchy Czech Dude calls Petra, demanding money. She promises to deliver, but Rafael has frozen her accounts.
Jane and Rafael celebrate their plan, but they are interrupted by a text from Michael, who wants to talk. And here, Rafael has an opening to get into Jane’s opening. Does he take it? Hell yeah, he does! The people on Jane the Virgin don’t sit around and angst forever!
Jane is confused by his declaration of love. “You said you see me as a sister,” she says. “And I’m not into that Flowers in the Attic type stuff.”
Rafael insists that it makes perfect sense to be together since they’re already having a baby. Jane says she needs time to think, but the feelings she has for Rafael that she managed to bury down are starting to resurface again.
At the apartment, Petra offers to leave if Rafael just gives her the money. Unfortunately for her, Rafael brings in a maid who contradicts Petra’s assault claims. Rafael orders Petra to drop the charges and leave the apartment or else he’ll go to the police. Defeated, Petra reluctantly agrees.
Although I really hope Rafael does go to the police to clear his name anyway. Domestic abuse does not look good on your record.
At school, Jane confronts the twins and reveals that she stole embarrassing photos from their photo. She blackmails them into helping her get her job back. The twins quickly break down and reveal that they are jealous of Jane because she has great parents while Melissa is a total nasty smile and their biological father is out of the picture.
Jane feels bad, so all three of them go to the principal’s office to explain the situation. Jane points out that a big part of Catholicism is forgiveness, and if she can forgive the twins, then why can’t the school forgive her? The nuns agree to take Jane back, but it turns out that they weren’t swayed by Jane’s knowledge of the church. The twins’ website drummed up a lot of publicity, and they intend to keep the pregnant virgin at their school.
Still in a forgiving mood, Jane agrees to meet Michael at the marina to talk.
Jane forgives him but tells him that she can’t be with him. Michael thinks this is all because he lied, and for once on Jane the Virgin, Jane doesn’t admit the truth. She simply hands back the engagement ring, claiming that things are just too different now.
Jane speaks to Rogelio about the car and informs him that she wants to give it back. “They’re just big, meaningless gestures,” she complains. However, Rogelio tells her that he likes to give expensive presents because he spent such a long time working to become rich and famous. “A little misguided, but not meaningless,” he says. Jane agrees to keep the car, and she tells confides in him about her break up with Michael.
Meanwhile, Xiomara gets to the hotel for her big debut only to find that Melissa told the band not to come. “It was a miscommunication,” shrugs Melissa, but Xiomara is ready to slap the nasty smile. They go to complain to Rogelio, and Xiomara feels guilty for interrupting his moment with Jane.
Petra and her mother sit in another hotel room, trying to figure out their next move. The Sketchy Czech Dude shows up, thinking that Petra is trying to skip town on him. He pulls out a gun, but Magda is not frightened. “My daughter is not getting shot tonight!” she proclaims. “The cards said so!”
And the cards are right because Petra uses the vase holding Zazo’s ashes to knock the Sketchy Czech Dude out.
At the club, Xiomara sings acapella as Michael mopes at the marina. He sees the ships passing by and realizes the phone number that they found in the hotel is actually the tracking number for the ships and crates that the drugs are in. He calls his partner to tell her. “We’re going to get Sin Rostro,” he says happily.
Well, his love life is in the toilet, but at least his career is going well.
Rogelio congratulates Xiomara on her performance and promises not to let Melissa come between them again. However, Xiomara urges him to work on his relationship with Jane instead. “That makes sense,” he says. “But I wish it didn’t.”
Jane tells Rafael that she broke up with Michael. He kisses Jane, and she kisses him back!
So let’s review:
- Jane is pregnant with Rafael’s baby despite being a virgin
- She broke up with Michael, he dumped Petra, and now they’re together!
- Xiomara turned down Rogelio’s offer to be together because she wants him to focus on Jane
- Michael finally found the link to the drug kingpin he’s been waiting for
- Petra is being chased by Sketchy Czech Men, and who knows how long she can fend them off?