Jane the Virgin RECAP: No one puts milkshake in a corner (S1:E2)

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Going in for a routine doctor’s visit, Jane was accidentally inseminated with her boss Rafael’s sperm by his sister (and her OB/GYN) Luisa
  • Luisa was having an off day at the office because she was distraught after finding out her wife cheated on her
  • Rafael’s marriage is also falling apart, but his wife Petra hopes adopting Jane’s baby will keep Rafael from leaving her
  • But Petra is having an affair with this Zazo guy, who is being watched by the police
  • Jane’s boyfriend Michael is part of the police force watching Zazo
  • Jane’s mother Xiomara is also hiding secrets of her own—telenovela star Rogelio is Jane’s father and nobody knows

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving head first into this Americanized telenovela.

The Narrator explains that Jane’s quinceañera (15th birthday) gives a perfect illustration of what kind of person she is. Jane planned the party to the absolute last detail but her mother, Xiomara, decided to give an impromptu performance of Kelis’s “Milkshake” anyway. Was Jane mortified? Yes. Did she let that stop her from keeping the party going? Nope! She quickly segued into the cake cutting and prayed that everyone would eventually forget the image of her mother singing “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!” enthusiastically.

Would you?

Would you?

Now, in the present day, after accidentally getting artificially inseminated with the sperm of the guy she had a crush on when she was sixteen and now works for, Jane is determined to get her life back on track just like how she did at the party.

She calls a family meeting to walk the family through the new plan: she and Michael will stay engaged as planned and she will cook the bun in her oven until it’s time to give it to Rafael and Petra. Jane’s grandmother, Alba, protests that Jane should keep the baby. Everyone else agrees that it’s a bad idea, but Jane insists that the baby will go to a loving home. She also decides to refer to the growing fetus in her belly as a “milkshake” to avoid getting attached to it.

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Back at Rafael and Petra’s place, Rafael is patiently trying to explain to Petra that he wants a divorce and Petra is patiently trying to explain that she won’t give him one and that Jane certainly won’t hand over the milkshake if it’s not going into a two-parent household.

That was a really weird sentence to write.

Also, Petra wants his money and their pre-nup expires soon. Before they can argue anymore, they are interrupted by Zazo, Rafael’s best friend, who is also sleeping with Petra. He comes over to comfort Rafael in his time of need.

Alba worries that Petra might be a telenovela super villainess so Jane and Petra agree to meet each other for the first time to set aside any worries. Xiomara brings up the question as to why they haven’t sued the pants off Luisa yet. As it turns out, Luisa’s lawyer/ex-girlfriend Rose explains that if Jane decides to sue Luisa, Rafael will lose his hotel because he put up his shares as collateral for Luisa’s insurance.

I know. I’m a little overwhelmed by all this too.

I know. I’m a little overwhelmed by all this too.

Luckily for Luisa, Jane is not interested in suing and wants to keep moving forward. She goes to work at the hotel, and Rafael meets her to talk about the baby milkshake. He explains the situation with Luisa and offers Jane an out-of-court settlement. Jane becomes offended and thinks he’s trying to bribe her.

She complains about Rafael to her work friends and sighs, “He was so much nicer in my head.” Jane’s work friends warn her that Rafael isn’t a nice guy. In fact, he has a shady past—partying hard, getting arrested, and showing up on something called sexyfelons.com. Jane is horrified.

JANE THE VIRGIN RECAP: No one puts milkshake in a corner (S1:E2)

“This is who I am giving my milkshake to?!”

Panicked, she calls Michael and tells him that they have to keep the milkshake for its own safety. Michael meets her and calms her down. He reminds her that Rafael is grown up and since his cancer went into remission, he got married and settled down. Jane agrees that he is right and stops freaking out.

Petra, however, can’t stop freaking out because her father-in-law is coming to see the hotel and they accidentally ordered the wrong ice sculpture. Since the father-in-law likes to fish, she tried to order a marlin but instead got a sculpture of Merlin. “Does he also like magic?” asks the delivery guy, trying to salvage the situation.

Meanwhile, on the set of Rogelio’s telenovela, everyone is freaking out after the leopard they were using for a scene got loose. Xiomara arrives in the midst of the pandemonium and demands to speak with Rogelio.

She orders him to stop calling her. “I want to be part of my daughter’s life,” Rogelio snaps back. “You kept her from me for long enough.”

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Xiomara breaks down and explains that she told everyone that Jane’s father was a random guy she had sex with and now she can’t just tell them that he’s actually a super famous telenovela star. Rogelio softens and tells Xiomara that he just wants to be part of Jane’s life. She agrees to tell him about Jane—how she’s going to school, getting engaged, is accidentally inseminated with her boss’s sperm, etc.

“Man, we’re a telenovela on the set of a telenovela within an American adaptation of a telenovela. This is too meta.”

“Man, we’re a telenovela on the set of a telenovela within an American adaptation of a telenovela. This is too meta.”

At the hotel, Petra is rehearsing a heartfelt speech to win back Rafael with Zazo. He suggests that she cry and Petra balks. “I haven’t cried since I was a child!” she protests.

Dude, I cried yesterday because I started thinking about that one really sad episode of Futurama. What is wrong with Petra’s soul?

Petra is annoyed that she has to grovel for Rafael, but Zazo reminds her that she only needs to stay married to him for one more year and then the pre-nup will expire and she can take the money from the divorce to run away with Zazo.

Michael and the police are spying on Petra and Zazo making their evil plans, but they are waiting to see if Zazo will reveal any more nefarious schemes. Apparently, he is the contact for the notorious drug kingpin Sin Cuatro, and Michael hopes to catch him by spying on Zazo.

Michael’s partner identifies Petra, and Michael realizes she is Rafael’s wife. He resolves to tell Jane, who is approached by Rafael once again at work. Rafael apologizes for the way he acted earlier and asks to go to the doctor’s appointment. Jane agrees to invite him to the sonogram.

Back at Luisa’s office, she is panicking over the potential lawsuit, and when Rose tries to comfort her, they end up having sex.

It’s rated XXX for steaminess.

It’s rated XXX for steaminess.

Jane is running late to the doctor’s appointment so she calls Michael to tell him so and to admit that she and Rafael kissed years ago. “But it meant nothing then so it means nothing now!” Jane tries to assure him. Before Michael can really freak out, Rafael and Petra arrive. Oh, and then so do Xiomara and Alba. Yay! It’s a whole party in the doctor’s office where some people know some other people’s secrets but can’t reveal them because it’d be inappropriate.

Jane finally arrives and they all try to fit into the cramped little room for the sonogram, but the ultrasound technician kicks everyone but Rafael out.

He and Jane make small talk, and she admits that she Googled him. Rafael tells her that when he was diagnosed with cancer, he let himself spin out of control. However, thanks to Luisa, he got his life back on track. He admits that he let his fear of failure control him. He asks Jane whatever happened to her plans to be a writer. She reveals that she dreams of being a romance novelist, and they watch the milkshake’s heart beat on the monitor together, finally bonding.

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Michael and Petra watch from the hallway, and Michael orders Petra to end the affair if she wants to keep the milkshake and her marriage intact. Petra realizes Michael doesn’t want to raise the milkshake himself and still wants Petra and Rafael to take it from Jane. She agrees to end the affair to make things easier for everyone.

After the appointment, Michael asks Jane to quit her job at the hotel because it makes him uncomfortable that she is around Rafael, the accidental father and her former crush. Jane reluctantly agrees.

At Casa Villanueva, Rogelio stops by to meet Jane and Xiomara hides him to prepare Jane to finally meet her father. She finds Jane filling out job applications, and Jane breaks down crying.

“It’s not a stupid milkshake. It’s a baby!”

“It’s not a stupid milkshake. It’s a baby!”

She sobs about how she didn’t want the milkshake baby to change her life but it’s going to, especially since after the sonogram. She admits that, against her will, she is becoming attached to the baby and knows it’s going to be hard to give it up, even though she knows it’s going to a good home.

Xiomara comforts her and unhappily tells her, “I don’t think there’s anything you can do.” Xiomara brings up the proposition of suing Luisa again to make Jane’s life easier. “You get to be selfish right now,” she tells Jane. “You don’t have to take care of anyone else. Just yourself, okay?”

Jane tells her mother that she admires Xiomara for pursuing her singing dream. Alba comes out to comfort them and tells them that God has a plan for them. “It had better be a good one,” she grumbles. They discuss dropping the milkshake euphemism, and Xiomara remembers how at Jane’s quinceañera she distracted Jane from realizing her date was cheating on her by singing “Milkshake” at the party.

She realizes that she knows when to protect Jane and goes to tell Rogelio that he needs to back off because Jane already has so much stress in her life. He readily accepts that she is right and agrees to wait until the time is right.

Meanwhile, Petra goes to tell Zazo that their affair is over. Zazo starts to get violent with her, and Michael, who is spying from across the street, becomes concerned. However, Petra gets turned on by the possibility of domestic violence and congratulates him on passing her test of devotion. She promises to sneak away from the party to meet with them. Michael is annoyed that Petra backed out of their agreement.

“Come on, lady! Are you serious?”

“Come on, lady! Are you serious?”

Petra and Rafael survey the party and, frustrated with his silence, Petra yells at him for not loving her anymore. “I honestly hoped that this baby would be a real chance for us,” she cries. She really does cry! The Narrator explains that it’s easy to give a good performance when what you’re saying is actually true.

Michael also drops by the hotel to apologize to Jane and they make up. She assures him that he has nothing to be jealous of. Rafael also feels guilty and he gives Petra a copy of the sonogram. He agrees to give their marriage another try.

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Petra is ecstatic and happily tells her mother that her marriage might survive after all. Petra’s mother is unimpressed and warns her daughter that the tarot cards already know the outcome. Meanwhile, Jane finds Rafael at the party to inform him that she is going to sue Luisa. Rafael does not try to stop her, even though his hotel is on the line if she wins. She thanks him for giving her the encouragement to write again. Jane also asks for Xiomara to perform at the hotel for her big break. Rafael accepts her request.

Jane could ask for the freaking moon and Rafael would try to get it for her.

They go back to the party and see Luisa there. Rafael goes to throw her out, but his father stops him. “Luisa’s family, and family is everything,” shrugs Rafael’s father. Rose shows up, and it turns out that not only is she Luisa’s ex-girlfriend, she is her step mother.

Oh, and Alba catches Xiomara and Rogelio in bed.

This stuff is crazy!

This stuff is crazy!

And at the party, the lights go out for a minute, and when they come back up… Zazo is dead!

So let’s review:

  • Rafael has just agreed to give his marriage with Petra another shot
  • Petra only wants to stay married another year to get Rafael’s money…or does she?
  • Jane has decided to sue Luisa, which sucks for Rafael because if she wins, he will lose his hotel
  • Luisa slept with her ex-girlfriend Rose…who is also her step-mother
  • Zazo is dead, and he was Michael’s only connection to catch a drug kingpin
  • Rogelio and Xiomara might be getting back together
  • Alba continues to be the coolest old lady ever

 

Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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