Jane the Virgin RECAP: How Many Times Can Jane Break Up with the Same Two Guys (S1:E8)
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Jane has been accidentally artificially inseminated with Rafael’s baby and now they’re together!
- Except Petra is teaming up with Lachlan to keep them apart.
- Hey, remember Luisa? Rafael’s sister who accidentally inseminated Jane and has a history of drug problems? And Rafael put up his hotel to insure her practice, which is awkward since Jane is going to sue her? And she’s secretly dating her current step-mother?
- Well, she’s been on a bender for the last few episodes. Considering the drama in her life, I don’t blame her
- But seriously, where has she been???
- In other news, Xiomara is dating Hot Soccer Dad to get over Rogelio
- Jane is working at a Catholic high school and it’s going about as well as you can expect for a pregnant virgin
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
In a flashback, Young Jane is listening to Xiomara’s stories when Alba comes in to scold Xiomara for getting a parking ticket. Jane asks what the big deal is, and Alba explains that Jane’s grandfather was super rich but left all that money to marry Alba.
Jane is all, “What does that have to do with Mom’s parking ticket? Is it that if Grandpa kept his money, we might actually have the money to pay it off?”
Alba explains that she is just setting the stage, and likewise, the Narrator takes us back to last episode to re-explain everything that’s going on set the stage. Okay, so remember how Rafael put up his shares of the hotel for the medical malpractice insurance for Luisa and now she’s kinda AWOL and Jane’s suing her and the court date is coming up?
Well, Lachlan and Petra tattled to Rafael’s dad so Rafael got fired from the hotel and sent off to Mexico to find Luisa, forcing him to cancel his date with Jane. Lachlan and Petra were super smug about that.
Rafael told Jane why he had to leave but didn’t tell her that if she won the lawsuit, then he would lose everything because that might make things awkward between them.
Two weeks later, a.k.a. right now, Rafael and Jane are reunited! He couldn’t find Luisa so he’s hoping sex with Jane will cheer him up. Unfortunately, Jane hasn’t told him that she’s a virgin so she makes an excuse to leave quickly.
Meanwhile, Xiomara gets cockblocked by Rogelio when Hot Dad drops her off from their date. Hot Dad tells her that he wants her to have dinner with Eva, his daughter. Xiomara makes this face.
Uh-oh. Is there trouble in Hot Dad paradise?
That’s impossible because, you know, it’s Hot Dad paradise!
Xiomara checks in on Jane, who laments how she hasn’t told Rafael that she’s waiting for marriage to have sex. “Yeah, I bet that’s going to over real well,” says Xiomara, and Jane gets all offended that her mother isn’t supporting her romance with a reformed playboy whose illegitimate child she is carrying around.
Wait, are we still on Jane the Virgin or did we cross over into Teen Mom?
Petra bumps into Rafael at the hotel bar. “WHY are you still here?” he demands. “Shouldn’t you have left, like, three episodes ago?” Petra reminds Rafael that she is only hanging around until he gives her a payout from the divorce and makes snide comments about how his relationship with Jane won’t last.
Always nice to hear from you, Petra.
It’s the day of the court hearing, and Luisa finally arrives! Her family asks where she has been, and she replies, “Tripping balls all over Peru.” Okay, she says that she went to a psychedelic retreat in Peru, but “tripping balls all over Peru” is still an accurate description.
Jane passes her ex-fiancé Michael and his partner, Nadine, on her way out of the court house, and it’s super awkward. Michael doesn’t care because he’s now banging Nadine and he’s pretty close to catching Sin Rostro.
This makes me wonder why is Michael still on this show if literally everything about his storyline does not affect the main plot?
Anyway, now that Luisa’s back, Rafael can have his old job back, except now he has to report to Petra and Lachlan. This is a bummer for Rafael, but all he has to do is remember what Rogelio told Xiomara in this episode.
Jane and Rafael eat dinner at a restaurant together, and they are interrupted when the server gives them free appetizers, courtesy of a Catholic couple who recognize Jane. Jane admits that she’s a real life, pregnant virgin and plans on staying a virgin until marriage. “Is that still a thing?” asks Rafael. Jane becomes upset that her boyfriend isn’t supportive of her purity pledge.
Luisa announces to stepmom Rose that they should come clean about their affair, and Rose is all, “Uh…no.” But Luisa’s acid trip taught her that lying is bad so she’s going to come clean. Ruh-oh for Rose!
At the hotel bar, a blonde hits on Rafael while Nadine and Michael track the man they followed from the shipyard. Speaking of plotlines I don’t care about, Xiomara takes a meeting with a big time record producer, but to her dismay, she only got the meeting because Rogelio pulled some strings. However, she can’t stay mad at him because she has feelings for him—OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE.
The next morning, Jane delivers room service and finds Rafael in that blonde woman’s bed.
Jane storms out and reluctantly admits to Xiomara that Rafael is too much of a playboy. At the Catholic school, the blonde drops by Jane’s classroom and admits that she was paid to make it look like she slept by Rafael.
And gee, who wants to ruin Rafael’s life so much that they’d pull a stunt like that? Duh, Petra and Lachlan. Jane and Rafael quickly put two and two together and get back together. Meanwhile, Xiomara dumps Hot Dad because she’s not in love with him the way she is with Rogelio.
Now, that was a mature, grown-up way of breaking up with someone. On the other hand, you want to know how Rose officially dumps Luisa? She tells Rafael that Luisa had a psychotic break and made a pass at her. The family calls an intervention, and when she tries to insists that her affair with Rose was real, they think she’s having another breakdown and decide to have her committed.
As it turns out, in addition to alcohol and drug abuse, Luisa also has a history of mental illness. This begs the question as to how in the hell she was allowed to practice medicine in the first place?
Whatever. Chalk it up to Telenovela land.
At Casa Villanueva, Jane asks why Alba is praying again. Xiomara reminds Jane that Alba is in the country illegally and freaks out when the family has to go to court in case her status gets discovered. Jane decides to drop the lawsuit so they don’t risk her grandmother’s status.
At the office, Lachlan tells Petra that he missed her and they should get back together—I DON’T CARE. Oh, but then Petra makes this weird face:
Speaking of plotlines I really don’t care about, the guy Nadine and Michael have been stalking is a Serbian dude and they break into the room he was in, but the Serbian dude is gone.
SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT SCENE?
Rafael confronts Jane over her decision to drop the lawsuit, and she reveals Alba’s secret. In return, he admits that Jane was actually suing him and promises to put up with Petra and Lachlan for the sake of their baby. Jane remembers how her grandfather gave up his money to be with Alba and falls in love with Rafael even more.
Except not really? I mean, Rafael didn’t really risk anything since Jane dropped the lawsuit. I mean, would he really be this selfless if he lost all his money to his baby mama to bail his drug addicted, mentally ill sister out again?
Whatever. Chalk it up to Telenovela land.
So let’s review:
- Jane and Rafael are 2gether 4evaaaaaaa!!!! Until some stupid sabotage by Petra or Lachlan screws them up
- Petra and Lachlan are also together. They’ll be the best villainous couple since Harley Quinn and The Joker. Petra is The Joker, obviously. She has a weird smile.
- Jane dropped the lawsuit so the drama with Luisa is over
- Haha, just kidding. Luisa is now in a psychiatric hospital because Rose didn’t want to admit that she cheated on her husband with her step-daughter
- Well, can you blame her?
- Michael and his partner Nadine are OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES
- Xiomara is finally realizing that she and Rogelio are meant 2 B…unless some other stupid plotline comes up to drive them apart