Apr 16, 2017
Jane the Virgin RECAP: So Many Hot Dads, So Little Time (S1:E7)
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Jane has been accidentally artificially inseminated with her boss/former crush Rafael’s baby
- Rafael dumped his wife Petra and Jane has called off her engagement to cop Michael. (Phew. That’s a lot less explaining to do to that poor baby.)
- You have to feel a little sorry for Petra because despite her lying and scheming ways, she is on the run from Sketchy Czech Dudes
- Jane is finally getting along with Rogelio and his nasty ex step-daughters
- Xiomara decided not to pursue a relationship with Rogelio so he can focus on Jane
- Michaela is finally on track to nail Sin Rostro, the drug kingpin, which is good since he won’t be getting to nail Jane any time soon
- Jane is now student teaching at a Catholic high school, and the nuns are planning on using her to bring in some PR
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
The Narrator reminds us that when Jane was nineteen and started working at the hotel, she and Rafael shared a moment and they kissed. Jane was so excited and couldn’t stop blabbing about the kiss to her mom Xiomara, but Xiomara accurately predicted that Rafael was too much of a playboy to call back. “From now on, stay away from guys like that,” advised Xiomara.
And for four years, Jane did stay away from guys like that. Except she managed to get accidentally inseminated by one anyway. And then they fell in love all over again after Jane dumped her fiancé.
In the present day, Xiomara catches Jane and Rafael kissing and coldly reminds Jane that it’s time to go home. Embarrassed, Jane leaves and Xiomara throws Rafael a dirty look.
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara scolds Jane for kissing Rafael. “I’m meant to be with him or something,” says Jane. “I know it sounds ridiculous.”
“You’re darn tooting!” says Xiomara. “You two have an accidental baby on the way, he used to be a freewheeling playboy, and he’s still not divorced from his crazy wife! But this is telenovela land so you might very well be.”
The next day, Rafael shows up on the Casa Villanueva doorstep to ask her out on a real date!
Well, he really had no option but to ask her out. What was he going to do, ignore her for nine months and just swing by Casa Villanueva to pick up that baby?
Jane remembers Xiomara’s warning and tells Rafael that she needs some time. “Cool, just let me know when I can kiss you again,” he says and leaves.
Meanwhile, Petra has taken Sketchy Czech Dude hostage with the help of her mother, Magda. Unfortunately for Petra, she has no idea how to contain an angry Sketchy Czech Dude who wants a lot of money.
Magda suggests leaving the dude in the closet to die, but Petra insists they can just pay him $350,000 to go away. Uh, Petra? I think you might need a little bit more than that. People tend to get a little mad when you tie them up and gag them and hide them in closets.
At Catholic school, Jane is introduced to a couple who are a little too in awe of her. As it turns out, the nuns are pimping Jane out to attract more church goers. A younger nun protests the ironic immorality of all this, and the head nun is all, “Shut up! God, uh, told me that this was cool. Now go pass out these coins of Jane. For Jesus.”
At lunch, Jane tells Rogelio about her strange experience, and he suggests that maybe the couple recognized her as being his daughter. Lina comes by to check on them, and Rogelio complains about everything on the table, including the table itself.
Rogelio asks about Xiomara, and Jane admits that Xiomara doesn’t want to deal with him anymore because he’s too dramatic. “She said I was too dramatic?” cries Rogelio indignantly as he throws glitter in the air and sets himself on fire.
Meanwhile, Xiomara is finishing teaching her dance class to little kids. One of the girls, Eva, introduces Xiomara to her hot dad. Hot Dad asks Xiomara out, but she gently turns him down.
Jane stops by the police station to drop off Michael’s things, and he wants to get back together. “What is happening here?” he asks. “You don’t go from marrying someone one day and breaking up with them the next.”
Poor Michael. He’s forgotten this is telenovela land.
He asks if she is seeing Rafael, and for once in her life, Jane lies and says no. Back at work, one of Jane’s co-workers, Frankie, asks Jane to beg Rafael to get their group into a club he invests in for her birthday party. Jane reluctantly agrees, and Rafael tells her that he is happy to oblige. Oh, and he’ll probably see her there too. “It’s opening night. I have to be there,” he explains. “We’ll be there, together.”
“It’s not a date,” insists Jane.
“I know it’s not a date,” says Rafael, smiling.
“No, seriously. It’s not a date,” Jane says.
“Okayyyyy,” says Rafael, still smiling.
It’s totally a date.
Xiomara expresses disapproval so Jane distracts her by telling her that Rogelio claimed that Xiomara was the dramatic one.
At the hotel, Xiomara and Rogelio bump into each other. The Narrator explains that we are witnessing two dramatic people try to pretend that they are not dramatic. This is what it must be like to be a Kardashian in the Vatican.
In an attempt to prove that they are happily moving on form each other, Xiomara and Rogelio decide to double date. Now, they just have to find actual dates.
Meanwhile, Petra has called Lachlan, her former fiancé, to help her deal with Sketchy Czech Dude in her closet, but he is still angry that she made him look bad in front of the investors. Magda suggests that they just kill the Sketchy Czech Dude and move on. “I know people from the old country,” she claims. “They can take care of him.”
At the hotel, Michael has intercepted a bouquet of roses from Rafael for Jane. He is upset and storms off. Jane confronts Rafael and tells him it’s too soon for them to date when she feels so guilty about hurting Michael. “There are other people’s feelings involved!” she says. “We can’t just do whatever we want.”
“But we’re the main characters!” protests Rafael.
Still, Jane stands firm and leaves him.
At Catholic school, Jane is accosted by another couple who want to hug her. They explain that they hoped Jane would help their fertility and show her the coins that the nuns have been passing around.
Jane confronts the nuns and they’re like, “Well, can you blame us for using a pregnant virgin to bring people to the church? This is a bigger draw than that stain on the wall that looks likes Jesus.” Jane is still displeased and orders them to stop.
Meanwhile, Michael can’t stop moping about Jane even though his team is one step closer to catching to Sin Rostro. Similarly, Jane can’t stop being a Debbie Downer at the club with her friends when she sees Rafael surrounded by gorgeous women.
Speaking of gorgeous people, Xiomara has roped Hot Dad into being her date. Rogelio brags about being an international telenovela superstar and asks Hot Dad what he does for a living, in an attempt to show him up. However, it turns out that Hot Dad is also Hot International Superstar Soccer Player Who Is Also Very Humble About His Fame Dad! For the sake of brevity, I will keep referring to him as Hot Dad.
Rogelio becomes jealous and tries to pretend that he is also humble. He sends away the specially ordered wine and declares that he will drink “normal people wine.”
Xiomara and Hot Dad’s date continues to go well, and he promises to call her.
At the club, Jane sees women throwing themselves at Rafael and becomes upset. He tries to explain that they are all just his friends—friends who lick his neck and put their hands all over his broad shoulders. Jane pretends she doesn’t care and joins her friends on the dance floor to get away from him.
Meanwhile, Petra feeds Sketchy Czech Dude some chicken to keep him alive as she figures out what to do next. However, it turns out he is allergic to the peanut sauce used on the chicken and begins to have an allergic reaction. Luckily, Magda has an epi-pen because she is also allergic to shellfish, but unfortunately she refuses to use it on Sketchy Czech Dude. “Come on, let him die,” she says. “Poof! Problem solved!”
But despite her lying and scheming ways, Petra does not have the heart for murder and grabs the epi-pen herself to save Sketchy Czech Dude. He thanks her while a displeased Magda looks on.
At the club, Rafael reconciles with Jane and shoots down every concern she has: they’ll be a two-parent family for the baby just like she wants, he just filed for divorce with Petra and is willing to settle her demands to get rid of her, and since he’s going to be a dad, he won’t party as much anymore. He asks Jane to meet him outside, and she throws caution to the wind. Off they go on a romantic date to…Target?
Well, I guess affordable prices get some people’s motors running.
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara has generously let Rogelio sleep on the couch after he drank too much normal people wine. Before he falls asleep, Rogelio admits that he was jealous of Hot Dad. Xiomara strokes his hair, and The Narrator explains that she is grateful that Rogelio won’t remember a thing in the morning.
Meanwhile, Jane and Rafael stay up all night talking and telling each other secrets. They definitely have a lot to remember. For example, Jane can rap and Rafael is afraid of ducks.
Petra and Magda continue to hold Sketchy Czech Dude hostage, and it is revealed that the women knew about his peanut allergy all along. “Ah, yes. The classic Poison Your Hostage and then Save Him to Earn His Trust technique,” says the Narrator. “Works every time.”
“I hope the rest of your plan works,” says Magda.
In the morning, Xiomara realizes that Jane didn’t come home last night and she panics. She calls Michael, hoping he knows where Jane is. Michael coldly informs Xiomara that Jane is probably with her new boyfriend, Rafael.
Rafael drops Jane off at Catholic school for work, but she is reprimanded for still being in her party clothes. The nun tsks about how she is not sure that Jane has a future in education. Jane offers to give out a few pregnant virgin hugs to make things even, which pleases the nun.
Meanwhile, at the hotel, Petra seduces Lachlan and offers to help him ruin Rafael in exchange for the money she needs to pay off Sketchy Czech Dude. Also at the hotel, Rafael and Rogelio finally meet, and Rogelio expresses his disapproval at Rafael for staying out so late with Jane. “I used to be like you,” Rogelio says. “I have had sex with a lot of women. Way more than you, I am sure.”
Petra’s post-coital bliss is interrupted when she learns that Lachlan doesn’t have access to the money she needs. “Think of it as a deferred payment plan,” he says, but Petra is displeased. He asks what type of information she has on Rafael. The scene cuts to commercial break, but it would have been perfect if Petra shot back, “No, THAT’S on a deferred payment plan too.”
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara yells at Jane for staying out late and accuses Rafael of being a bad influence. Jane protests that she is tired of being safe with her choices and wants to follow her heart.
Hot Dad drops by Casa Villanueva to ask Xiomara out, much to Rogelio’s chagrin. Meanwhile, Michael hooks up with his partner because…he needs something to do?
Why is Michael still here? Jane dumped him.
Jane is preparing to meet Rafael for another date, but he calls to inform her that Lachlan and Petra have joined forces against him and succeeded in getting him fired by his own father. “I have to go to Mexico City,” he says.
Wait, what? That’s telenovela land for you.
So let’s review:
- Jane and Rafael are together, but they are being separated by Lachlan and Petra, who are teaming up to ruin Rafael
- Petra isn’t as helpless as we thought about Sketchy Czech Dude
- Rogelio is jealous of Xiomara’s potential new boyfriend
- Jane is letting herself be pimped out by the nuns to stay a student teacher