Apr 16, 2017
Jane the Virgin RECAP: Heaven or Telenovela Hell? (S1:E11)
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Jane the Virgin and Rafael the Reformed Playboy are dating! Yay!
- Xiomara promised God that she wouldn’t sleep with Rogelio in exchange for Alba waking from her coma
- Petra is out of the way, but she’s afraid that her crazy Czech boyfriend will come looking for her
- Michael thinks Rafael is connected to Sin Rostro, the drug kingpin, but has no proof
- He’s also still in love with Jane. Pft. Good luck with that. #TeamJafael all the way!
- That’s my nickname for Jane/Rafael, by the way
- Rose, Rafael’s step-mother, suspects that it’s Emilio, Rafael’s father, who is the drug kingpin
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
As per usual, The Narrator gives us a flashback into Jane’s childhood to explain why she is the way she is and give a hint to the major conflict of the episode. In this particular memory, we learn that Xiomara and Alba argued a lot when Jane was growing up. Alba hated the way Xiomara would walk around in revealing outfits and pursue a non-existent singing career instead of getting a real job, and Xiomara hated the fact that Alba was always criticizing her.
The Narrator informs us that as a result, Jane developed a need to resolved every conflict. In this case, she typed an apology letter to Alba pretending to be Xiomara. Even though Jane was only fifteen, she was smart enough to put a note that Alba should never, ever, ever mention the note to Xiomara. Luckily, Alba followed instructions, and the three women lived happily ever after, conflict-free.
In the present, Jane has finally noticed that Rafael and Xiomara aren’t sharing enough screen time, so continuing Jane’s obsessive need to be in perfect harmony at all times, Jane announces that she has invited Rafael over for dinner. Xiomara tries to give her 40% approval rating but Jane wants more, dammit!
Jane calls Rafael and cheerfully orders him to start studying up to impress Xiomara and makes him yell inspirational things like, “I will crush dinner with your Mom! Show me the money!” until Rafael uses the excuse that he is in a meeting to finally hang up. Rose tells Rafael that she fears her sugar daddy is in league with the drug kingpin and that Michael’s dumb subplot will actually make it into the main story after all. Rafael decides to do some of his own investigating to see if it’s true.
Meanwhile, Michael and his partner/girlfriend(?) Nadine are discussing the Sin Rostro case. Michael is convinced Rafael is involved somehow and wants to tail him. Nadine reminds him that the police chief told Michael to back off the case.
At the hotel, Petra wakes up in the middle of the night and scolds her mother for falling asleep. She is terrified of her Crazy Czech Boyfriend breaking into their room and killing them in their sleep. While Magda is certainly worried about a painful death, she values her beauty sleep more.
“Dude, you need to chill. And sleep. Mostly sleep.”
Hey, remember how Jane is student teaching at a Catholic school? It’s okay if you forgot. This kinda has been dropped for the last few episodes, but now it’s being brought into the main story! The nuns inform Jane that they want to offer her a permanent position! Benefits will include maternity leave and having a good spot in Heaven. But then Rogelio makes a job offer to Jane too! He offers her an internship as a writer for his telenovela, The Passions of Santos. Jane is torn–on one hand, she can have secured entrance into heaven and on the other hand, she can live out her dream of writing cheesy romantic scenes for her dad.
It’s a tough decision.
Since Jane can’t tolerate conflict, she decides she will do both internships on top of her waitressing job at the hotel. Rogelio takes her to meet the writers, one of whom is played by Judy Reyes, whom you might remember as Nurse Carla on Scrubs. I guess nursing didn’t pay enough for her. They ask Jane to help them with a scene, and she gives a suggestions that they all seem to like. Jane glows from the praise and feels butterflies in her stomach. She thinks it’s a sign that she should stick with the internship after all.
That’s probably a bad lunch, but okay.
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara and Alba are preparing dinner. Xiomara ignores a call from Rogelio and admits to Alba that when Alba was in a coma, Xiomara promised God that she wouldn’t have pre-marital sex if Alba woke up. Of course, she doesn’t know that Alba woke up before that part of the prayer, but Alba pretends that it is Xiomara’s new found chastity that saved her and encourage Xiomara to keep her legs closed. “And uh, if you promised God that you would take out the trash more often, that’s cool too,” she says.
Rafael and Jane arrive for dinner, and conversation quickly turns to how Jane needs to pick one internship and soon. Alba is #TeamStableJobPlusHeaven while Xiomara is #TeamFollowYourDreams. Rafael is eager to get on Xiomara’s good side so he joins her team and tells Jane that he can support her financially while she writes.
Except that’s exactly the wrong kind of thing to say to three working class women who value hard work and never taking shortcuts.
“Oh son, you done messed up.”
Xiomara goes on the offensive and accuses Rafael of being spoiled and trying to make Jane into a Real Housewife of Miami. Rafael tries to backtrack and claim that he’d support Jane financially only because he’s the father of her child. “Not on purpose,” snarks Xiomara.
Oooooooh, she went there.
After dinner, Jane confronts Xiomara, demanding the real reason she doesn’t like Rafael. Xiomara just says some generic crap about how he and Jane are too different, he’s too much of a playboy, he’s not responsibile enough, they’re rushing into a relationship, etc., but the real reason is…Xiomara is actually #TeamJachael.
That’s my nickname Jane/Michael, by the way.
Jane reminds her mother about the cardinal rule of shipping: you can ship who you like but you can’t hate on other people’s ships. Xiomara agrees to apologize to Rafael.
At the hotel, Lachlan bumps into Petra. You guys remember Lachlan, right? He was Petra’s ex-fiance, hates Rafael, and is still in love with Petra? Petra tells him her sob story about the Crazy Czech Boyfriend and mentions how he uses yellow tulips as his calling card to let her know that he’s coming. Lachlan offers to help her out and keep yellow flowers away from her. Petra is extremely grateful.
“I can’t believe the writers almost forgot about you! Thank you!”
Xiomara visits Rafael’s apartment, and instead of apologizing, she insults him some more and accuses him of being a spoiled, ignorant, rich playboy who isn’t right for Jane. “#TeamJachael will be endgame!” she declares as she stomps out of his place.
Meanwhile, Jane is excited to watch the telenovela film the suggestion she had for Rogelio, but it turns out they scrapped her idea entirely. Rogelio admits that he told the writers to praise whatever Jane came up with to give her confidence in writing. “I hear that’s what David Mamet did with Zosia, and now she’s on Girls with Lena Dunham!” he shrugs. Jane reminds her dad that she doesn’t want to be a privileged white girl who gets pity Emmy nominations just because of who her parents are. Rogelio tells Jane that she can write a scene for him and then he’ll honestly tell her the truth if she has talent or not.
Rafael visits the hotel contractor to see if he installed the secret tunnels for Emilio’s nefarious drug kingpin needs, but the contractor insists that he knows nothing about the tunnels. A Sketchy Employee takes Rafael aside and offers to tell him who put in the tunnels in for a fee.
Nicholas, Rogelio’s assistant, gives Jane advice on how to write the scene, and when she types it up, she feels the butterflies again. Hey, maybe she is a writer after all!
Or maybe it’s just a bad lunch.
At Casa Villanueva, Rogelio comes over for a date and expects sexytimes, even after Xiomara greets him dressed like a beige sack and serves him a dinner of super garlic-y pizza. He wins her over with some smooth talk, and Xiomara is about to give in until she imagines Alba in bed with them. Xiomara gets freaked out and sends Rogelio away. Then she prays to God for forgiveness and tries to see if there are any loopholes in her chastity thing.
Alba encourages Xiomara to tell the truth about her vow and reminds her that if Rogelio is a good guy, then he’ll stay. Meanwhile, Petra and Magda move into another hotel suite, courtesy of their good guy, Lachlan. However, Magda suspects that there is something sinister about him. Petra tells Magda that she’s being paranoid and to chill out. “God, is that what I was like earlier?” she asks.
Jane shows her scene to Rogelio, but he is unimpressed. However, he encourages her to keep writing so now Jane is even more confused as to which job to pick. Meanwhile, Rafael tracks down the lead that the Sketchy Employee gave him, but the contractor refuses to talk and kicks Rafael out of his office. The contractor makes a mysterious phone call to warn that Rafael is asking questions. Unbeknownst to the both of them, Michael was watching the whole time. He sneaks into the office to grab the contractor’s phone but gets caught. And he also gets beat up a little, which makes me happy because Michael has been kinda annoying these last few episodes.
Jane drives home but is so tired and worn out that she gets into a fender bender. She is taken to the hospital where the doctor checks on the baby and informs Jane that the baby is kicking. “My wife said it felt like butterflies,” he says.
“So it’s not a sign from God telling me to be a writer?”
Michael is also in the hospital from his beatdown, and his partner/girlfriend(?) Nadine scolds him for going after Rafael. She asks if this is because he is still in love with Jane, and Michael insists that he’s not and begs her not to tell the police chief that he disobeyed orders. Rogelio shows up at the hospital to check up on Jane, and Xiomara admits her vow of chastity. Rogelio tells her that he loves her no matter what. “But, uh, is there an expiration date to this chastity thing?” he asks.
Back at the hotel, Petra is finally relaxing in the tub, but when she gets out, she sees yellow tulips on the table. Oh no! Crazy Czech Boyfriend is back! Either that or housekeeping got confused as to what flowers they weren’t supposed to put in the room. Except later it’s revealed that Lachlan planted the flowers! Did he get confused as to what flowers Petra’s afraid of? Or is that on purpose to make her dependent on him?
Jane is about to leave the hospital when she gets a call informing her about Michael’s injuries. Apparently she is still his emergency contact, and since Jane is a paradigm of goodness, she checks in on him to be nice. Michael is convinced that this a sign they are supposed to get back together. Jane is firmly tells him that she is #TeamJafael and he needs to deals with it. Nadine overhears Michael’s declaration of love for Jane and is hurt. She reports Michael to the police chief after all.
I can’t even be mad at Nadine because this really is unfair to her. So Michael has been sleeping with her just to pass the time until Jane leaves Rafael? This is why I don’t want you back in the main story, Michael! You’re a jerk!
At Casa Villanueva, Xiomara is pleased that Rogelio is still in love with her, and Alba accidentally lets it slip that she heard Xiomara’ prayer. Alba points out that at least now Xiomara knows that Rogelio isn’t just with her for sex and offers to write an apology letter. Jane quickly cuts in to inform them that she has decided to take the teaching job after all to distract them.
She meets with Former Nurse/Current Head Writer Carla to quit the internship, but then Carla tells Jane that her writing is actually good and encourages her to stay on. Jane, having learned absolutely nothing from this episode, decides to keep balancing both internships until she gets another sign from God that isn’t explained by science.
Carla goes into her office where Nicholas is waiting. She tells him that Jane is staying on, which makes him happy. “Rogelio won’t know what hit him,” he says, and then he and Carla make out.
Whoa, what’s that going to be all about?
So let’s review:
- #TeamJafael is still going strong despite Michael’s attempts to make #TeamJachael happen. It’s not going to happen, Michael.
- Nadine is hurt that Michael is still in love with Jane and tattled on him to the police chief
- Guess Rafael will pick up the slack on the Sin Rostro case now that he knows something is up
- Petra is hiding out from her Crazy Czech Boyfriend with Lachlan…except he might be crazy himself.