May 12, 2018
Jane the Virgin: Don't Second Guess Yourself
No time to second guess yourself in this week’s Jane the Virgin when you’ve got a marriage proposal, a maybe baby, and a sex tape on the verge of leaking
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- #TeamJafael is going strong…except Jane is starting to second guess if she should be with Rafael instead of Michael.
- No, Jane! I already have so much fanfiction dedicated to #TeamJafael!
- Petra is now the controlling owner of the hotel. From rags to riches to rags and then back to riches…It’s been quite a ride, Petra.
- Rogelio is staying in town! Unfortunately, he has to work for his arch rival now…Drama!
- Remember in episode 13 how Jane and Rafael’s baby might have a genetic birth defect? Well, we’re finally going to get those results!
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
When Jane was a little girl, she loved to ask questions like: “Why is the sky blue? What’s an electoral college? Why do people in telenovelas slap each other so much? What does love feel like?”
Xiomara was only equipped to answer the last one, and she could only describe it as “your heart is glowing.” This displeased Jane, who wanted a concrete answer like, “Blue wavelengths of light get scattered by the Earth’s atmosphere more than other colors” or “People in each state hand their votes to electors who then vote for candidates according to the state’s popular vote. Or not. It’s still kind of confusing.”
Jane quickly learned that sometimes life doesn’t give you concrete answers, especially when the question is, “Why did I get accidentally artificially inseminated?” But to make up for it, life can at least tell you that the results of your birth defect test are back and your baby is healthy. Yay for life.
Raphael is so happy that the baby is healthy that he asks Jane to move in with him, but she turns him down. She may be pregnant with his baby, but she’s still super Catholic and doesn’t believe in living together before marriage.
Speaking of being super Catholic, Xiomara and Rogelio are honoring her vow of chastity–just kidding, they’re going at it like bunnies. Rogelio is called away from the fun and games to report to his telenovela, and when he leaves, Xiomara takes a pregnancy test from her drawer. She might be pregnant?!
Okay, I really hope to God that hashtag doesn’t catch on.
At the hotel, Michael worms his way into the A plot by telling Jane that her favorite romance novelist is staying at the hotel. Before Jane has another warm and fuzzy flashback about her relationship with Michael, Rafael invites Jane to the author’s private reading. Jane decides this is the perfect opportunity to get feedback from her favorite author on the romance novel she is writing.
Meanwhile, Petra is running the hotel, and the first order of business is to fire Lachlan for being an incompetent employee and/or dumping her. Rafael protests that Petra can’t fire Lachlan because his contract guarantees him a huge severance package, but Petra is confident that she can make him go away without any trouble.
I hope Petra remembers that this hotel already has a reputation for murder and can’t afford any more dead bodies in the lobby.
At the reading, the novelist delivers a passage from her latest work that’s pretty much Jane’s actual life in a nutshell. Jane thinks that she is probably hallucinating again so she ignores it, but it turns out, this is part of a surprise proposal arranged by Rafael! Her response: “Can we talk in private?” Everyone in the audience winces.
“Damn that’s rough.”
In private, Rafael is like, “What’s the deal? I thought you wanted to get married,” and Jane is all, “Where did you get that idea?” And Rafael points out that:
- Jane keeps talking about how her plan in life was to get married before she had a baby
- Jane keeps refusing to move in with Rafael because they’re not married
- Jane was engaged to a guy before she met Rafael, so she can’t say she wasn’t going down this road already. And she’s got a hotter groom now so march down that aisle, missy!
Jane seeks advice from her mother and grandmother, except they have opposing views. Xiomara is still secretly on #TeamJachael and points out that she and Rafael don’t know each other well enough. Alba, however, is surprisingly for the marriage. “I got married after knowing the guy for 41 days, and look how happy I turned out!” she says. “Plus, we need to make sure your little bastard is born into wedlock. Time is ticking, Jane!”
Petra announces to Lachlan that she is going to put him to work…but if he wants to quit, then that’s fine by her. Aaron, Roman Zazo’s identical twin brother, asks Petra to dinner so he can get closure on his twin’s death. He asks about a necklace Roman gave Petra and claims it was a family heirloom. Petra promises to return it right away.
Meanwhile, Lachlan approaches Raphael and suggests they use the sex tape Lachlan made with Petra to blackmail her into giving them control of the hotel again. Why do I have a feeling this is going to backfire on them? If Kim Kardashian could turn her sex tape into an empire of reality shows, who’s to say Petra can’t do that same? I can already see it now:
Jane bumps into Michael again at a food truck and has another warm and fuzzy flashback about their relationship. No, Jane! You’re supposed to be marrying the guy with the better pecs!
Alba shows Jane and Xiomara a quiz from an old Spanish women’s magazine to help decide if Rafael is the one. One of the questions is “Does he know you to your core?” and the Villanueva women interpret this to mean they should play mind games with their boyfriends. Chicks, amirite, guys?
Xiomara tells Rogelio that she might be pregnant–but then says pysch, she only said it to see his reaction. Except we know she’s only saying she said it to see his reaction to see his reaction. He falls for it and admits he was scared, which only pisses Xiomara off, and they get into a huge fight.
Jane tells Rafael that she will quit her job to be a mom, and when he encourages her not to give up on her dream, she happily tells him that he passed her test. Except Rafael does not take kindly to being manipulated like this and stomps off.
“Oh man, this quiz didn’t mention being alone and abandoned.”
Xiomara admits to Jane that she may be pregnant again, and Jane flips her lid. Xiomara tries to protest it was an accident, but Jane is all, “Oh, don’t talk to ME about accidents!” She calls her mother reckless and irresponsible and stomps out.
At the hotel, the sex tape is circulating, but like I predicted, Petra has Kim Kardashian-ed the whole thing and leaked it herself. She offers to work with Rafael to oust Lachlan. “And maybe you can make a guest appearance on my reality show,” she says.
Back at Casa Villanueva, Xiomara announces she is definitely not pregnant, and Jane apologizes for being a jerk. But hey, at least she can blame it on her pregnancy hormones–or would that be insensitive to bring up? Anyway, now that her subplot has been wrapped up, Xiomara gives advice to Jane about her marriage proposal: to just go with her gut.
Jane decides to go with her instincts and not marry Rafael. At least, not yet.
“Okay, but the season finale is coming up and I’d like a wedding then.”
Jane goes to drop off her manuscript to her favorite novelist–who’s name is Angelique–except Angelique thinks Jane is the masseuse she ordered! Hijinks! Afterwards, she bumps into Michael and tells him the whole story. Rafael sees them together and worries Michael has wormed his way into the A plot/Jane’s heart.
Xiomara visits the set of Rogelio’s telenovela to apologize for testing him and propose they move in together. He accepts.
Petra drops by Aaron’s hotel room and gives him the necklace he asked for. After she leaves, Aaron smashes the necklace to uncover a teeny tiny USB drive. I wonder what’s on it? If it’s Petra’s sex tape, he can find it online now.
So let’s review:
- #TeamJaFael is threatened by the return of Michael! No! I will go down with my ship!
- Rogelio and Xiomara are moving in together
- Petra and Rafael are teaming up to take down Lachlan
- Aaron has a Super Mysterious USB Drive. Wonder what’s on it?