Jane the Virgin: You Better Work, B*tch!

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane is still caught in the Rafael/Michael love triangle, but since she kissed Michael last episode, she might be picking him. Sorry, #TeamJaFael!
  • Petra is pregnant with Rafael’s baby, and since he doesn’t want anything to do with her, she might be forced to marry her abusive ex Milos
  • Michael is on the hunt for Mutter, the big boss that Sin Rostro/Rose works for. Hopefully he can track her down before Luisa runs away with her!
  • Yeah, Luisa is getting sucked into that bad romance with Rose again. Sigh…
  • Michael’s new partner Susanna suspects he is hiding something
  • Alba is applying for her citizenship!

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

Jane is elated that now she knows she is going to spend the rest of her life with Michael, but then realizes she needs to tell Rafael first. Rafael, who overheard Jane’s declaration of love for a guy who isn’t him, decides to make excuses not be alone with Jane so she can’t break up with him before he can plant another kiss on her and send us all into another “will they/won’t they” frenzy.

Meanwhile, Petra has set down the terms for her marriage to Milos: it will only be for one year, he will help her raise the baby, and they will not have sex. Milos is fine with the terms, mostly because he is still under the delusion that he can win Petra back. He tells Petra that even if they are fake-married, they have to make things look real…starting with a huge wedding at the Marbella with Britney Spears performing!

Understandably, everyone freaks out when they hear the news–Jane even fantasizes about being asked to be one of Britney’s back-up dancers. I would make fun of her, but to be honest, that was every girl’s dream in the early ’00s, including mine, so I can’t snark too much. Rogelio is also excited about Britney’s arrival–he wants to finally settle the huge feud between them although he won’t admit to what it is about to Xiomara. Xiomara doesn’t care to indulge her boyfriend’s egomania because she’s got problems of her own: when starting the citizenship process for Alba, they find out that Xiomara is a convicted felon! When she was a teenager, one of Xiomara’s bad boy exes stole an expensive ring and she took the fall for it so he wouldn’t get in trouble. Unbeknownst to her, that infraction stayed on her record. The Villanuevas are understandably annoyed with Xiomara’s past bad decisions.

8

“You’re toxic and now we’re slipping under.”

The immigration lawyer tells them that if they can get Xiomara’s conviction overturned, there won’t be any issues with Xiomara sponsoring Alba’s citizenship. *Fingers crossed*

Jane drops off Mateo at the Marbella and sees Michael there too. She wants to run over and kiss him and say something like, “You drive me crazy! I’m so excited; I’m in too deep!” but Luisa Britney-blocks her and makes up an excuse for Jane to go see Rafael immediately in his office. Of course, Rafael isn’t in his office, but Petra is. Jane reminds Petra that they once had a moment in the stairwell where Petra cried about how abusive Milos is and asks what the deal is with the sudden nuptials. Petra insists that she and Milos were in love once back in the Czech Republic and now they have a second chance to get things right. “Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide. Sometimes I’m scared of him, but all I really need is for him to hold me tight,” Petra assures Jane.

Jane isn’t buying this story, and since there is Rafael’s unborn baby to think about, she encourages Rafael to do some digging and see what kind of guy Milos really is. Rafael agrees to visit Magda in prison to get some dirt. Jane also wants to tell Rafael that she is picking Michael but decides that her baby daddy has enough on his plate…for now.

Meanwhile, Rogelio waits at the Marbella to catch Britney Spears and make her apologize for sabotaging his teleprompter at the Latin Pop Music Awards. Britney doesn’t remember Rogelio or why she, a white girl, would be at the Latin Pop Music Awards, but this doesn’t stop Rogelio’s ranting. “But now I’m stronger than yesterday! Nothing is getting in my way!” says Rogelio. Britney becomes furious when Rogelio accuses her of being jealous of him.

9

“How dare you use my own motivational lyrics against me?!”

Xiomara and Jane don’t have time to mediate Rogelio’s feud because they are tracking down Zed to get him to confess to the shoplifting. Unfortunately, Zed has now modeled himself after Jon Snow and tells them that his rule for talking to the police is “I know nothing”. Well, that’s his motto for everything since he really does know nothing. He does give them marijuana laced chocolate bars as a “Sorry I’m a douche” present. Jane calls in a favor from Michael to get the Villanueva women an appointment with the state’s attorney to convince them to overturn Xiomara’s conviction. Michael is disappointed that Jane didn’t call him to declare her love. “My loneliness is killing me,” he sighs. At the sound of the word “killing,” Susanna tries to stick her nose into Michael’s business and tries to see what he is hiding, besides sadness.

Rafael calls Jane and tells her that while Magda refuses to let him visit her in prison, she is willing to see Jane.

10

“Wait, what? Can’t she email her heart?”

Turns out Magda wants to meet with Jane to see if Jane will convince Alba to speak on Magda’s behalf at the parole board. Jane is not enthusiastic but agrees to get the dirt on Milos. Magda reveals that Milos used to be an internet scammer and would send people spam emails to steal their money. It’s not much but it could be enough for counter-blackmail for Petra. Jane gives Petra a flash drive and suggests that she download any incriminating files on Milos’ computer to get the upper hand. However, Petra is having second thoughts since Milos is actually being a nice guy. He brought her the same violin she sold to come to America. It’s a very romantic gesture and Petra is won over, temporarily forgetting that this is the same guy who threw acid at her mom.

Speaking of second thoughts, Rafael attempts to win over Jane by showing her a baby scrapbook that he made for Mateo. However, he can see in her eyes that Jane is still not won over by his impressive gluing skills. He begs her not to pick Michael. “You’re tearing our family apart!” he tells her, but Jane refuses to be guilted.

“I wanna go!” she says.

Jane goes back to Casa Villanueva to take Alba and Xiomara to the meeting with the state attorney. Unfortunately, they both ate one of Zed’s chocolate marijuana bars and are now too high to go to the meeting.

11

“If we said she had a nice body, would she hold it against us? *snicker*”

Even though they barely ate a square each, Jane decides her family is too high to meet with a state attorney and cancels the meeting. With her schedule clear, Jane can now focus on stopping Petra’s wedding, but Petra lies to Jane and says that she has agreed to marry Milos for his money. However, in reality Petra is afraid to leave Milos because she just realized he has bugged her room and is spying on her so she needs to bide her time to leave him.

Since she’s 0 for 2, Jane turns to a situation she know she can work, bitch. Britney has ordered a restraining order against Rogelio, and Jane goes to confront her on his behalf. It turns out that Britney is mad at Rogelio because he betrayed her when he tipped off the paparazzi when the two were together. They conclude that the teleprompter guy overheard their argument and sabotaged Rogelio to impress Britney. The two make up.

Know who’s not making up? Michael and Rafael. Michael gets in trouble at the precinct for letting Nadine escape, which is something only he and Jane knew…and Rafael, if he was eavesdropping on the baby monitor. He confronts Rafael, and the two get into a scuffle and break a vase. The pieces scatter and accidentally cut Baby Mateo.

12

“This is not what ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ is supposed to mean!”

Now Jane is back to square one over which man she should choose: the guy who injured her baby or the guy who was so jealous that he inadvertently set up the situation where her baby got injured. However, the remaining Villanueva women have solved their problems on their own. They confronted Zed and threatened to ruin his graffiti and tell the police about his marijuana business unless he came forward and took the fall for Xiomara. Alba apologizes to Xiomara and explains that on the day Xiomara got arrested, she was distracted because she was grieving over her husband’s death. “What kind of mother doesn’t put her child first?” sobs Alba.

Jane realizes that she can’t be with Michaela because he and Rafael are never going to get along and that will affect Mateo negatively. She tells Michael this when he comes by Casa Villanueva to apologize. Adding to the crap storm that is his day, he gets fired from the precinct, and when he goes to drive home in shame, Nadine is in the backseat. She puts a gun to his head and orders, “Drive”.

Meanwhile, Milos reveals to Petra that their wedding was also a cover for him to smuggle grenades into the hotel. Now that they are married, she can’t testify against him or any of his crimes. Man, Milos has some crazy Machiavellian schemes in the works.

So let’s review:

  • Team JaFael is back in the game! Unless Michael can somehow find a way to win back Jane’s heart.
  • Probably doubtful since he’s going to be wrapped up with whatever Nadine and presumably Sin Rostro have in store for him.
  • Speaking of drug lords, Milos is now a weapons dealer and is hiding grenades in the hotel! Petra can’t do anything about it…or can she? She’s always been a schemer.
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Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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