May 12, 2018
Jane the Virgin: Will You Accept This Rose?
Previously on Jane the Virgin:
- Baby Mateo was kidnapped by Rose, but thankfully he was brought back safely!
- Another baby might be on the horizon, if Petra’s self-insemination goes well and Hotel Assistant Scott doesn’t tattle
- If Rafael has another accidental baby mama, maybe Jane will have an easier time choosing between him and Michael
- Xiomara and Rogelio accidentally got married in Vegas and will soon get an annulment
- Sin Rostro, a.k.a. Rose, is lurking somewhere in Europe…with a new face
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
The Narrator tells us that when Jane and Michael first started dating, Jane tried to get involved in his interests, like camping. Jane is not enthusiastic about sleeping in a nylon sack with all the bugs and heat and eventually confesses such. Luckily for her, Michael does not mind that she hates camping and kisses her even though she is sweaty and stinky.
He is even still in love with Jane when she is a sweaty, stinky mess in the present. Jane has happily sacrificed showering in favor of taking care of the new baby, but everyone encourages her to get out of the house. Xiomara encourages Jane to go out to lunch and suggests she take her boyfriends. “It’s like an episode of The Bachelorette out there,” jokes Xiomara.
Meanwhile, Rafael’s assistant Scott is blackmailing Petra to get him a bigger promotion, which is very disappointing. Come on, Scott! You’re blackmailing a woman who stole her ex-husband’s sperm to impregnate herself. You can ask for the moon and I would still say you’re lowballing! Speaking of lowballing, Rogelio is insulted that he and Xiomara are being forced to perform on a cruise ship after skipping out on their Vegas performance to attend Mateo’s birth.
Back at lunch, Jane hallucinates a perky Bachelorette version of herself trying to force her to pick between Michael and Rafael. Jane is interrupted from her own personal Sophie’s Choice when she panics that a redheaded woman in the restaurant is Rose, trying to kidnap Mateo again. Michael doesn’t exactly ease her fears when he reveals that Rose most likely got plastic surgery and could look like anyone by now.
Way to be helpful, man. *sarcasm*
Back at home, Xiomara and Alba eagerly ask who Jane is more into — for the record, Xiomara is on Team Rafael (she supports hot abs!) while Alba is on Team Michael (she supports traditional families!). Jane’s romantic problems are put on hold when she tries to convince their rockstar neighbors to stop playing their music so loudly. However, when one of them is played by Ke$ha, you know that’s not going to happen.
At the hotel, the Solano siblings plus Petra discuss plans to buy out the neighboring property. Petra talks up Scott as promised, which makes Rafael slightly suspicious, but he is distracted by the fact that Lachlan, his former nemesis, is offering to help their property purchase.
At the urging of Bachelorette Jane, Jane turns Michael’s visit to install a security system at Casa Villanueva into a one-on-one date. She subtly asks if Michael would want to be a family with her, and he says he is ready to try. Bachelorette Jane is enthralled, but Jane wants to go on a one-on-one date with Rafael to double check her decision.
“What for? You can just dump him at the After the Rose ceremony!”
Meanwhile, Rogelio and Xiomara accidentally get stuck on the cruise ship as they are trying to talk their way out of the contract and realize they must perform. The power of their attraction is so strong that even “Islands in the Stream,” which is one of the least erotic songs ever, draws them closer together to an almost-kiss onstage.
Jane asks Rafael if she can sleep over at his place. No, not like an “overnight date in the Fantasy Suite” — it’s so he can spend more time with the baby and Jane can decide if he is husband material. He prepares the nursery, takes Jane to get fries, and even tells her that he is ready to put their relationship problems aside and be a real family. Still, Jane can’t bring herself to kiss him. Bachelorette Jane is annoyed. “Just marry him and have sex with him for the rest of your life!” she begs.
“Let’s take out ‘Virgin’ in the show title!”
However, I have a feeling that the reason Jane can’t pick a man is because she is still struggling with the trauma of her son’s kidnapping. Speaking of trauma, although Xiomara and Rogelio are back together, Xiomara tells Rogelio that he needs to work on his abandonment issues created by his cheating ex-wife. She proposes that they still get an annulment and start dating again.
Back at the hotel, Lachlan promises that the neighboring property is eroding from the ocean and thus won’t be good to any developers. Rafael decides to cancel their bid, and Petra takes the opportunity to talk up Scott again. Rafael and Luisa notice she has been acting weird, and Luisa takes her brother aside to suggest Petra is pregnant. Rafael thinks the reason Petra is so desperate to get Scott a promotion is because he is her baby daddy. He agrees to promote Scott to keep Petra out of his hair.
Replace “Scott” with “Rafael” and you’ve got that right.
The cops come to Casa Villanueva to discuss why the rockstar neighbor’s amp has gone missing. Jane admits she took the amp in an attempt to shut up her nosy neighbors, and the cops let her off with a warning. They also add that Alba should be prepared to provided her ID next time and leave. Alba sobs in relief — remember, she’s undocumented so she has a healthy fear of cops.
Jane makes up with her neighbors by offering them a gig at the Marbella — hey, that’s another reason to pick Rafael over Michael! The new alarm system goes off, and Michael arrives on the scene to turn it off. Rafael yells that Michael should stop hanging around and accuses him of being obsessed with Jane, while Michael insists that Jane clearly wants him around so Rafael should back off. Jane stops the fighting by dropping a bombshell worthy of The Bachelorette: she admits that she is in love with both men. They don’t take it very well.
“Being on a competitive reality show is not as fun as I thought it was going to be.”
While Jane is still uncertain about her future, Alba decides she is tired of being uncertain about hers. She declares that she is going to apply for a green card so they can have one less dramatic plotline in their life. Unfortunately for Jane, the most dramatic plotline is back in play. When Michael apologizes about getting Mateo kidnapped, Jane insists it’s her fault — she was the one who told Rose everything about their relationship after Rose defended her when a customer complained about the hotel’s wine. Michael asks more about the encounter and realizes there is a clue to the Swiss wine Rose was promoting.
In fact, Rose is hiding out in Switzerland right now, and she gives the order for her henchmen to kidnap Luisa, who was about to warn Rafael that Lachlan has double crossed them. He smugly announces that his new company will build high rises and ruin the ocean views that the Marbella provides. However, Petra doesn’t have time to be angry about Lachlan’s betrayal because she is now pregnant!
And poor Rafael has just gotten a call from the clinic telling him that his second sperm sample was taken by Petra…
So let’s review:
- That weird German woman from the last episode is Rose, just with a new face and new accent. Dang, I thought we were done with this Sin Rostro plot.
- Alba is going to get her green card!
- Luisa has been kidnapped!
- Rafael knows Petra stole his sperm sample! Although he doesn’t know that she is pregnant…yet
- Rogelio is going to confront his first marriage so he can start a new marriage with Xiomara someday
- Jane has told Michael and Rafael that she is in love with both of them. Who will win her heart? Find out on the next episode of The Bachelorette. No, I mean Jane the Virgin.
When you support Happy Nice Time People on Patreon, 100% of your pledge goes straight to our writers.