Jul 30, 2017
Jane the Virgin: My Big Fat Telenovela Wedding
Before we dive into the season finale of Jane the Virgin, let’s review everything that has been going on in telenovela land:
- Jane and Michael are finally getting married. Looks like #TeamJaMichael fans have won the shipping wars.
- But wait! Rafael is still in love with Jane! Does this mean #TeamJaFael has a chance?
- Well, if he does then it sucks for Petra because she is still in love with Rafael. Oh, and so is her identical twin sister Anezka.
- And Anezka isn’t the sweet, meek girl she pretends to be. She’s actually evil and manipulative and oh yeah, plotting to take over Petra’s life. No wonder identical twins are so creepy.
- And the search is still on for the notorious drug lord Mutter who is Rafael’s mom! Does anyone care about that subplot?
- Oh and Jane wants to change her thesis. But she doesn’t know to what yet…
- Xiomara slept with Esteban, Rogelio’s worst enemy, and he definitely can’t find out about it. How much you want to be he’s going to find out about it?
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
The Narrator explains that Jane has heard stories about Alba’s imperfect yet perfect wedding day all of her life and now, she is about to have her own special day with Michael.
If the two can keep their clothes on until then.
After a heavy makeout session that is a callback to the pilot episode, Jane pulls back and remembers “Virgin” is still in the title card. “I can’t wait to marry you,” Michael tells her. And it’s not just because of the potential sex; Michael is just excited to spend the rest of his life with Jane.
Awwwwww. If that had been me, I would have thrown out my v-card in a second. Sorry, abuela.
But Jane is a better Catholic girl than I am and so she and Michael get back to finishing wedding planning business. First order: Michael has to rebook the honeymoon suite because Jane refuses to lose her virginity at the same hotel owned by her baby daddy who was in love with her at some point.
It just wrong for some reason.
Meanwhile, Petra checks on Rafael, who is expecting Luisa’s arrival and reeling over the fact that the police have caught and placed his mother in jail. Petra attempts to try for a Tender Moment(TM) with Rafael but they are interrupted by Jane calling Rafael down to see Mateo take his first steps.
Sorry, Petra but cute babies trump declarations of love.
Xiomara and Alba are finishing up wedding details when they are interrupted by a delivery. Esteban has sent Xiomara a gift basket with Esteban-themed products, much to Xiomara’s horror. Alba demands an explanation and Alba is forced to admit that she slept with Esteban and now he keeps pursuing her. She begs Alba to keep her secret since it will only infuriate Rogelio, who hates Esteban. However, Rogelio discovers the basket and he immediately knows whom it’s from and why it’s there.
“Why do you have a sex basket from my mortal enemy?” he demands with the same ferocity Viola Davis delivered in the iconic “Why is your penis on a dead girl’s phone?” question.
Even though Xiomara explains that it was a one time mistake, Rogelio is still furious. However, he contains his fury as Xiomara head over to the wedding rehearsal at the local church. Wait, what? I thought Jane was getting married on the set of her father’s telenovela. I mean, we spent several episodes on that particular plot point and Rogelio even had to be a crew member for a week to convince the crew to delay their strike.
I guess little things like continuity don’t matter in telenovela time.
Anyway, the wedding rehearsal is a disaster: Jane is upset at Michael for booking an expensive suite, the priest keeps reminding them how everything must be on schedule or else, Xiomara and Rogelio end up arguing, and little Mateo abuses his new found mobility and knocks down the altar and as he attempts to save it, the priest hits his head and gets knocked out.
The Narrator mentions the old superstition that a bad rehearsal usually means a great wedding. “Then this is going to be the best wedding ever!” he says.
Hopefully the priest will be conscious by then.
At the Marbella, Petra pouts about how Rafael still doesn’t love her. Anezka is particularly insistent that Petra go to the ceremony so she can “comfort” Rafael as he watches Jane get married. Unbeknownst to them, Luisa also encourages Rafael to let Jane go. She tells him that she too thought she would never find love again but with Susanna, she is learning to love again. Rafael understands but is a little disappointed: the one time he needed his flaky sister to encourage his terrible decisions and now she has gotten all responsible on him
Meanwhile, Jane is upset about her fight with Michael over the expensive hotel suite and the disastrous wedding rehearsal. To make her feel better, Alba shares the truth about her perfectly imperfect wedding day: the whole thing was actually imperfect. Her fiance’s side of the family announced that she wasn’t a virgin to the whole congregation and the whole place erupted into a fist fight over whether or not Alba was good enough to marry. Alba and her husband ended up running out of their own ceremony to be married elsewhere.
That story makes Jane feel better and Michael texting Jane to hash out all the upcoming issues for their marriage so they can avoid future arguments is just the cherry on top. “Look, they’re having all the feels,” says the Narrator. “All three of them.”
Or maybe it’s just heartburn.
On the actual wedding day, Alba helps Jane dress in her gown and veil, which by the way are absolutely gorgeous and Pinterest worthy. Jane imagines talking to a younger version of Alba, who tells Jane about all her hopes and dreams for coming to America. Jane realizes she has the perfect new thesis: a romance novel based off of her parents’ love story!
Oh man, I really hope she keeps the wedding scene where everyone got into a brawl over Alba’s virginity. Jane calls Professor Donaldson to explain her new idea and Donaldson tells her to come down to the university and pitch it to the thesis committee herself. Jane hesitates, saying she has a “thing”.
“Well, you’re just going to have to decide if your thing is more important than your thesis,” says Donaldson.
Oh, don’t make Jane make that decision.
Thankfully, Michael is okay with Jane rushing off to the university before the ceremony and promises to stall as long as he can. And thankfully, the committee approves Jane’s new thesis so the whole trip was worth something. Jane changes into her wedding gown in the university’s bathroom and who should walk in but Professor Donaldson.
“I told you I had a thing.”
Despite the fact that Professor Donaldson is Super Feminist (TM) and totally opposed to marriage, she helps Jane button up her gown and congratulates her–for getting the thesis approved, of course. Jane rushes out to meet Rogelio, who is supposed to drive them back to the church. Unfortunately, Rogelio left the AC running in the antique Rolls Royce while Jane was getting ready, which causes the engine to overheat and die.
The two make a dash for the bus, which happens to conveniently stop by the church Jane is getting married out. Unfortunately, for them, the driver refuses to go straight to the church. Oh, come on! One Miami bus driver went off course when Jane went into labor on the public transportation system and this is clearly an important day as well!
Well, the driver didn’t charge them fare so maybe that was his nice deed for the day. Or maybe he just forgot.
Jane and Rogelio arrive to the church late but Rafael lets Jane see their son before they all walk down the aisle. Rafael considers confessing his love for Jane, but realizes that it would ruin her wedding day happiness. He decides to keep his mouth shut and just love her from afar.
Now after all this drama in the minutes leading up to the wedding, you’d think something would go wrong at the ceremony but…it all actually goes well. Michael even says his vows in Spanish! Not the personal ones that Jane made a big fuss about, but the standard “Do you take this person…” vows. Still, very adorable and very sweet.
Jane and Michael finally marry and Jane imagines the church choir singing for her to go have sex.
All wedding ceremonies should end this way.
The reception is also amazing! Rogelio arranged for Bruno Mars to be the band so Jane and Michael have the ultimate romantic first dance.
Petra goes home early and sobs to Anezka how she will never have anything like that. Her pity party is interrupted when Baby Elsa has their first laugh. “Baby has your sense of humor–laughing at other’s tears!” observes Anezka. This cheers up Petra and she spends the rest of the evening trying to figure out what makes Baby Anna laugh.
Things turn serious when the nannies return and find Anezka unconscious in the nursery.
Not to seem callous, but I’m pretty glad when the Narrator takes us back to the wedding reception where there is dancing, fun, and love in the air. Luisa declares her love for Susanna and Xiomara admits to Rogelio that she has feelings for him but still doesn’t want kids. Unfortunately, Rogelio does so the two agree to let each other go and focus on Jane.
At the hospital, a doctor explains that Anezka is suffering from locked-in syndrome, caused by a mini stroke from an epileptic seizure. In other words, she is paralyzed and it is unknown if she will ever recover. Well, she probably would when the paralyzing injection wears off.
The Narrator explains that the Anezka in a coma is actually Petra! The real Anezka knocked out Petra with a paralyzing poison, dyed her hair brown, switched their clothes, and planted Petra in the nursery for the nannies to discover her. This has all been a part of Anezka’s plan to assume Petra’s identity.
Too bad Petra can’t use that hashtag to send for help.
Michael and Jane are packing up their things at the Marbella to head over to their other hotel but Jane decides she doesn’t want to wait any longer. Michael runs out to get ice for their champagne and runs into Susanna in the hall. Michael tries the “Roll tide!” chant on Susanna that an Alabamian wedding guest showed him but Susanna doesn’t get the reference. Michael realizes that Susanna has been a fraud this whole time.
“Who are you? Who are you working for?” he demands.
Susanna simply shoots him in the chest and goes to Luisa’s room and reveals herself to be Rose!
Yeah, you read that right. Susanna has been wearing a very detailed prosthetic mask and voice modulator, working at the Miami police force, faked her death, jailed Mutter, shot Michael, and now wants Luisa to run away with her.
This is the most telenovela thing to have ever telenovela’d.
It makes the other episode endings–Anezka seducing Rafael while pretending to be Petra and Xiomara finding out she is pregnant by Esteban even though she doesn’t want kids–look like standard sitcom endings.
I still just can’t get over the reveal.
Luisa’s reactions are me the entire time. I hope the first scene in season 3 is her asking how the hell that mask worked.
So let’s review:
- Rose is alive and may have killed Michael just to whisk Luisa away!
- Jane is married but still a virgin.
- Petra is #Petrafied as Anezka takes over her life
- Xiomara is pregnant by Esteban but doesn’t want kids.
See you all in season 3!