Jul 3, 2019
Jane the Virgin: Money, that's what I want
- Jane had sex! She’s no longer a virgin! Wonder if they’re going to change the title of the show?
- Petra’s evil twin sister Anezka is impersonating her and causing all sorts of havoc: spying on Rafael, scheming with Magda, and hooking up with Scott. The last one is the most offensive.
- Jane and Michael are finally moving out of Casa Villanueva to their place! Except Petra was secretly paying half of their rent and now that she’s #petrafied, are they going to keep it?
- Xiomara is done pursuing a singing career and is going to get A Real Job
- Rogelio is trying to get famous in America
- Rafael’s evil drug lord mother Elena was murdered in prison
- Speaking of evil drug lords, Luisa dumped Rose and is sad
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
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Jane is finally moving out of Casa Villanueva! There were a few close calls over the years–Xiomara moving in with a boyfriend, Jane going to college, Jane getting married–but there was always something–Xiomara’s breaking up with her boyfriend, Jane getting homesick, Michael getting shot–that kept the move from being permanent. Now that Jane has a kid, is married, and is no longer a virgin (and in that order), it’s time for her to leave the nest.
She and Michael are happily repainting the walls and banging every chance they get (no word on the orgasms but I’m assuming they are regularly transforming into Bitstrip characters) but then the landlord comes a knocking and announces that since they haven’t been paying all of the rent, he’s going to find new tenants.
Jane and Michael wonder who their mysterious benefactor was and why they stopped the checks. Jane bumps into her former real estate agent at the Marbella and he confesses that Petra was making the payments.
This is a surprise to both Jane and Anezka, who is smart enough to let Jane do all the talking when Jane confronts her about the payments. Despite Single White Female-ing her sister for the past couple of months, Anezka really doesn’t know anything about the Jane/Petra dynamic. She’s hooking up with the guy Petra was vocal about hating and didn’t even do her research about how Petra gets along with the other baby mama.
Meanwhile, Rodrigo meets with Jane Seymour, the romance author Jane once tried to suck up to. One of Jane Seymour’s romance novel is being adapted into a Hallmark movie and Rogelio wants the lead so he can up his celebrity profile. Um, Rogelio? Hallmark movies was what American celebrities do when their profiles are going down.
Nevertheless, Rogelio is ready to hop onto the casting couch if it means an English-speaking part, but then Jane Seymour sees Rafael and is like, “I want a piece of that.”
Rogelio is temporarily bummed that he’s not hot enough for Jane Seymour, but then cheers up when he realizes he can be the pimp. Pimps get all the money and don’t work as hard, which is what Rogelio does right now anyway. He convinces Rafael to be Jane Seymour’s date and promises that no sex is required. Unless Rafael wants to.
Meanwhile, Scott has gone mad with power and forcing the Marbella employees to do an embarrassing flamingo-themed party. Lina (You guys remember Lina, right? She’s Jane’s only friend that the writers remember sometimes?) asks Jane to talk to her baby daddy or sister wife to get Scott to back off. She also reports that the workers are thinking of going on strike.
Jane’s got enough on her plate with trying to redo the family budget so she and Michael can afford to stay in their new house. They cut their expenses, including their both Spotify and Pandora premium accounts. No wonder these two are having money problems.
Well, at least they weren’t paying for Tidal too.
Anezka has money problems too. Dot-Marie Jones from Glee showed up at her place and it wasn’t to serenade her with a cover of a Top 40 song. Dot-Marie explains that she did time with Magda, who wants Anezka to sell Petra’s share of the hotel to ruin Rafael. Anezka tries to point out that the shares would be worth more if Magda waits a little longer but Dot-Marie warns Anezka that she has 3 days to sell the shares or Dot-Marie will come back and beat her up. Or sing at her, which ever one is more torturous.
Rafael is suspicious as to why Anezka wants to sell her shares and suspects Scott is behind this. At the awkward dinner party, Scott tries to bribe Jane with a bigger salary to keep the other employees from walking out and Jane tries to gently ask Anezka if Scott is pushing her to sell. Anezka pretends to be offended and storms off.
Xiomara got a job as a bank teller and she was really excited about the stability and prospect of meeting millionaires making huge deposits at her bank. That is not innuendo, I swear. But as anyone who has ever worked at a bank can tell you, it’s actually super boring. Xiomara quits after one day but decides that she’ll just pretend to go to work until she lands a new job so Alba won’t find out. Of course, Alba stops by the bank to visit Xiomara and Xiomara attempts to pretend she still works there, but security hauls her away.
Alba demands to know what is going on.
In exchange for Rafael going out with Jane Seymour, Rogelio agreed to babysit Luisa. She is having a hard time not drinking and getting over her break up with Rose. Rogelio suggests doing acting exercises to help her process her guilt, which actually helps Luisa decide to go to rehab. Rafael was less successful on his date with Jane Seymour and got freaked by her handsiness so now Rogelio won’t get the Hallmark movie part. Offscreen, Rogelio pimp slaps him for his failure.
Jane and Michael have another fight about money when he finds out she padded the budget without telling him. She Michael is insult that Jane doesn’t trust him with money and points out that she has been living debt-free thanks to living with her family and being sponsored by her rich daddy and rich baby daddy. To top it off, the employee walkout is canceled because Lina accepted Scott’s bribe. She justifies herself to Jane by pointing out that she really needs the money because she doesn’t have the same support network that Jane does.
Jane realizes that she has been living pretty easy compared to her friends and suggests to Michael that they just find a smaller house instead of stressing about money. Still in a forgiving mood, she tries to make nice with Anezka, who accidentally pushes her into the pool and they two get into a major catfight at the Marbella party.
While Xiomara is in between jobs, Alba has picked up a job at the Marbella gift shop, which might be a significant part of Elena’s murder investigation. The police found that she underlined the words “Angels guard the sun” in her bible. The sun is the gift shop logo or it could be a double meaning, referring to Rafael.
Anezka, edged on by Dot-Marie, blackmails Rafael into selling her and his shares of the Marbella with information supplied by Scott. However, when Jane bumps into her in the hallway, Jane recognizes Anezka’s surprised shriek.
Is someone finally going to figure out that Anezka’s double life?
So let’s review:
- There’s a “son”/”sun” clue left behind, which could refer to a gift shop or Rafael.
- Luisa is in rehab because the writers don’t know what to do with her
- Jane knows that Anezka is a fraud! But will she prove it in time?