May 3, 2018
Jane the Virgin: Losin' it (finally!)
- Michael and Jane were finally cleared to have sex!
- Luisa is staying with Rose in a submarine 20,000 leagues under the sea.
- Oh, and did I mention that Jane and Michael can finally consummate their marriage?
- Rogelio wants to adapt his telenovelas for American television.
- Jane and Michael are going to bang! Knock boots! Make whoopee!
- Xiomara is trying to become a singer. Or is she? What does that woman do for work, anyhow?
- Everybody, Jane is no longer going to be a virgin!
- Jane is also at grad school writing a romance novel based on her grandmother.
- Oh, but what’s going to happen to the title of the show?
Get it? Got it? No? Too bad, we’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.
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I like that this episode doesn’t bother with the Latin Lover Narrator flashback to Jane’s childhood and how it relates thematically to her present day problems. She and Michael finally got the go-ahead to have sex and they’re going to do it, dammit!
But the “Congrats on the sex” GIFs will have to wait because of course, the same day that Jane and Michael can have sex is also the same day that they’re moving into their new house, which means they have to deal with movers and family members wishing them a happy housewarming. Jane and Michael can’t very well yell, “WE WANT TO HAVE SEX SO F*CK OFF EXCEPT DON’T BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE WANT TO DO!”
Since sex is delayed, Jane might as well do some work on the romance novel based on her grandmother’s life. When she interviews Alba, she finds a photo of Alba’s estranged sister, Cecilia, who looks exactly like Jane and is apparently evil. She is the one who snitched that Alba didn’t exactly deserve to wear a white dress at her wedding and thus caused the whole thing to be ruined. Alba claims that Cecilia is just an awful person but as Jane writes, a fictional version of Cecilia points out that no one does anything just to be a “bish”.
I love it when accents make people pronounce things differently. My mom pronounces “shoes” and “juice” the same way and we laugh about it. I pronounce “pera” and “perra” the same way. We don’t laugh about that, especially when we’re in the Mexican grocery store and I try ask the workers where the pears are.
Anyway, that evening, Jane and Michael finally get to have sex. It’s a transformative experience for Jane! Literally! She and Michael become Bitstrips characters during the act.
After the sex is over, Michael tells Jane how glad he was that during her first time, they came together.
*SCREECHING BRAKES SOUND*
Yeah, I call BS on this. I know that Jane lives in telenovela land where people get artificially inseminated and have evil twins and fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat but no one, and I mean no one has that perfect of a first time.
Jane later admits to Lina that she faked her orgasm with Michael but if the less than stellar sex wasn’t bad enough, Jane accidentally recorded and sent a video of her and Michael having sex to her college adviser.
If you’re going to accidentally send someone a sex tape, at least get an orgasm out of it.
If there’s anything more awkward than asking your professor to forget about your sex tape and just focus on your writing, it’s your professor noting that maybe your writing sucks because you haven’t had enough sex. Still, Jane tries to emulate sexy, evil aunt Cecilia and think of ways to spice up her sex life.
Meanwhile, Rogelio books a meeting with the CW to discuss adapting his telenovelas. “What’s that? Like a streaming service?” asks Jane. Similarly, Rogelio’s ex-girlfriend/ex-writing partner doesn’t know what the CW is. “I don’t even know what channel it’s on!” she protests.
Anyway, she agrees to help Rogelio pitch his shows to the CW. The good news: The CW wants to pick up his romantic telenovela, The Passions of Santos. The bad news: they want Rob Lowe, not Rogelio to star in it. Rogelio is insulted, and I don’t blame him. The last show Rob Lowe tried to lead bombed. Did anybody watch The Grinder? Does anybody even know what it was about? Grinding things, I’m assuming?
Anyway, Rogelio strikes a deal with the network and Head Writer Carla that if he can get Gloria and Emilio Estefan on board as producers, he can retain creative control. Hopefully he’ll get a Parks and Rec alumni who can actually lead his show. Would anybody watch a show about Nick Offerman as a sensual ladies’ man?
Jane admits to Michael about the faked orgasm and they decide to try to have sex again, but this time focus on slowing down so Jane can orgasm except this makes Jane uncomfortable and pressured to orgasm. Inspired by Sexy But Evil Aunt Cecilia, Jane buys some heating lube for her pleasure, but the only fire in Jane’s loins comes from an allergic reaction to the gel.
Guess it got a little KY intense there.
Jane imagines Cecilia’s character to focus on the intimacy of sex rather than pleasure, but it upsets Michael that he can’t please Jane. He asks Jane not to talk about their failed sex life with other people because it’s bad enough that a man can’t pleasure his wife, and her mother and grandmother don’t need to know either. Jane reluctantly lies to Xiomara that the sex wan’t good and tries to distract herself by meddling in Xiomara’s career plans. Xiomara is giving up on becoming a singer so Jane asks Rogelio to call in the Estefans to give Xiomara a boost of encouragement.
The Estefans come to see Xiomara perform at the Marbella and ask her career plans. Xiomara admits that she’s looking into starting other careers and Jane tries to talk her out of it, even though the Estefans agree that it’s a good idea to look into other options. Jane is so upset that her plan has backfired that she actually tells the Estefans to shut up, which is a cardinal sin amongst Latinos.
Meanwhile, Luisa is still hanging out with Rose 20,000 leagues under the sea. The two have been having sex (and orgasming just fine, FYI), but Luisa isn’t ready to run away with Rose because, you know, Rose is a sociopath/drug dealer who killed Luisa’s father, brought drugs into her brother’s hotel, and pretended to be someone who went to the University of Alabama.
It’s a disgrace to the Crimson Tide.
Anyway, Luisa asks Rose to take her back to Miami, where Rose tells the police everything and hands over Rose’s murder list AKA the people’s she killed. Derek, Rafael’s half-brother, is on the list and so is their mother, Elena, even though she should be relatively safe in jail. The police rush to check on her, but it’s too late. She’s already dying and crying out, “My son! My son!” as she clutches a Bible to her chest.
That subplot is a bummer so let’s switch over to what’s going on with Jane and Xiomara. After being soundly whipped for backtalking the Estefans, Jane and Xiomara have a heart to heart. Jane realizes the reason she cared so much about her mother’s singing career when she had forgotten all about it for almost three seasons is because being a singer was an important part of Xiomara’s character, just like being a virgin was for Jane.
Jane admits that she’s confused about how to feel about her non-virgin status. On the one hand, she waited like she was
guilted supposed to and she wanted to have sex but she now feels empty, which is apparently common amongst people who abstained from sex until marriage for religious reasons.
Xiomara tells Jane that she didn’t lose anything: she gained a new part of her life. She also assures Jane that sometimes people need time to find their groove, and with that in mind, Jane goes to see Michael to give sex another shot. She finds him watching their accidental sex tape and it turns them on so much that they turn into Bitstrips characters and have sex again.
And this time, it’s good.
Wrapping up the loose ends of this episode: Jane figures out that Cecilia blabbed not because she was an evil bitch or an early sex-positive feminist or a devout nun, but because Cecilia was in love with Alba’s fiance and hoped to ruin the marriage.
Wait, that is an evil bitch thing to do.
Head Writer Carla gives Rogelio six months to become famous enough to lead his own show or else the CW will call Rob Lowe. I wonder if he really will guest star in real life. I mean, he’s not doing anything, right?
So let’s review:
- Jane and Michael are having sex and it’s good! Finally!
- Xiomara is giving up on singing as a career
- Rogelio is adapting his TV show for the CW
- Rose somehow killed Elena when she was in jail and Luisa dumped her—for now.