Jane the Virgin: Gone Baby Gone

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Previously on Jane the Virgin:

  • Jane was accidentally artificially inseminated with Rafael’s baby and just gave birth to their son Mateo
  • Rafael might have another kid on the way if Petra inseminates herself with the sperm sample that she stole
  • Xiomara and Rogelio are trying to pretend everything is okay between them even though they drunkenly got married in Vegas
  • Not content with running a secret plastic surgery ring for criminals, Sin Rostro, a.k.a. Rose, a.k.a. Rafael’s evil ex-stepmother, has kidnapped Baby Mateo!

Get it? Got it? No? Too bad. We’re diving headfirst into telenovela land.

Before we address the missing baby plot, the Narrator takes us to a flashback where young Jane is telling her grandmother Alba that she can’t handle watching another episode of their telenovela because the ups and downs are too much. Alba tells her not to worry because the theme song promises that things will work out in the end.

If this is a meta reference, it’s not a very good one. Jane the Virgin doesn’t have a real theme song!

Back to the present, Jane and her family find out that the nurse they handed their baby to isn’t a real nurse. At the same time, Rose calls Michael and offers him a trade: she wants a dragonfly broach that the police confiscated as evidence in exchange for the baby. Michael tells Jane and Rafael about the offer, and although they are frightened, they agree to the deal. Despite just having given birth, Jane insists on tagging along to the hand-off too.

It turns out Luisa secretly stole pin, and her wrestler girlfriend — Juicy Jordan — was so outraged that Luisa kept mementos from ex-lover/stepmother Rose that she tossed the box with the pin into the hotel pool. Michael and Rafael are forced to dive into the water to look for it.

7

Some very interesting things about Luisa’s sex life also surface.

Luckily, Jane finds the pin, and they head off to the drop-off location. Michael is the one who handles the exchange, and he is surprised to see that his ex-partner/ex-girlfriend Nadine is the one with the baby. “Do you understand now why I went to work for her?” pleads Nadine. She asks Michael for the pin, but not before explaining that the pin contains a chip that has all the crime bosses Sin Rostro has operated on. She offers him one last chance to keep the pin for himself and is actually surprised that he insists on getting back the baby of his ex-fiance and current arch enemy.

Jane, Rafael, and Baby Mateo are safely reunited, although the Narrator warns that this happiness won’t last for long. No, Mateo’s not going to be kidnapped again — Jane is now in “Helicopter Mom Mode” and worries to the doctor that Mateo isn’t going to breastfeed properly. Feeling left out, Rafael attempts to contribute to the conversation when they get to the topic of nipple confusion. “The concern is that he might prefer the bottle better,” explains Jane. “Not if he’s my son,” jokes Rafael.

8

“TMI, Rafael.”

Rafael heads to work at the hotel and is annoyed that Petra is hungover from a night of drinking. I can only imagine how much more annoyed he’d be if he knew that the reason Petra was drinking was because she was debating the pros and cons of inseminating herself with Rafael’s sperm.

Meanwhile, the drama continues at Casa Villanueva. After Rogelio enlisted his Twitter followers to boost the AMBER Alert for Mateo, people started digging into Jane and found the “Jane the Virgin” website made during Jane’s Catholic school teaching days. Now, various Catholic admirers are gathered outside Casa Villanueva begging Jane to bless them. Luckily, Rogelio has the bright idea to enlist a police escort, a.k.a. Michael, to help them evade the paparazzi so Jane can go to her nursing class.

As they wait outside, Rafael asks Michael for help on how to find his place in the Villanueva family. Michael is annoyed and internally debates between giving him good advice for the sake of the baby or bad advice in hopes of driving the two apart.

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“Or I could just punch him. Is that an option?”

Meanwhile, the hotel assistant Scott thought the bag that the sperm sample was in was a gift for the baby so it has ended up in Rafael’s penthouse. As Petra searches the house for it, she stumbles upon the baby’s nursery. She recalls when she and Rafael attempted to get pregnant and the happy memories that went along with it. Instead of accepting that she lost her chance with Rafael, Petra is even more determined to stick with her plan of impregnating herself.

Petra should know that pregnancy and motherhood aren’t smooth sailing though. Jane is still fretting about how Mateo isn’t breastfeeding correctly so the whole Villanueva clan comes together to help her. Before Jane can have a meltdown about how she’s a failure as a mother, Rafael jumps in with some parenting book suggestion that Mateo is just “cluster feeding,” which is a sign that Jane’s milk is coming in. Jane starts jumping up and down and shouting how her milk is coming in and the whole family joins the celebration.

Well, with a few exceptions.

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“These people celebrate the weirdest things.”

Rafael thanks Michael for his good advice in front of Jane, who is confused. Rafael explains that he felt lost about his place in the family so Jane offers to let him move in. Michael tries not to be devastated in the background.

Now that she is confident about breastfeeding, Jane is confident in telling off the reporters on the lawn. She attempts to convince the nuns that she is no longer a virgin, but they don’t believe her and Jane doesn’t have time to convince them since she has to go breastfeed.

Meanwhile, after a phone call with her mother, who delivers some tough love, Petra is about to decide to give up on the “secretly inseminate self with Rafael’s baby in a slightly psychopathic attempt to get him back” plan when she bumps into Luisa. Petra tells Luisa that she knows the Solano siblings are trying to force her out of the hotel. To keep Petra from knowing their plans, Luisa flatters Petra and tells her that if it wasn’t for Luisa’s mistake, Petra would be in Jane’s position. Well, minus the virgin part.

Seeing this as a sign, Petra decides to go ahead and inseminate herself.

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Petra the Non-Virgin Crazy Ex-Wife, coming soon to the CW!

Now that things have settled down, Xiomara admits her Vegas marriage to her family but promises it will be annulled. “You wanted things to get back to normal? This is normal for your mother!” jokes Alba.

Petra arrives to the office for work trying to act normal and like she didn’t secretly inseminate herself with her ex-husband’s sperm, but she didn’t get off scot free. As it turns out, Scott (get it?) tells Petra that he knows what she did.

Back at the Villanueva household, Jane thanks Michael for all of his help, and they have unresolved romantic tension. But then Jane sees (a shirtless) Rafael bonding with their baby, she becomes torn over which man she should choose.

The episode ends with a mysterious German woman seeing an article about Jane online. “Get him,” she says, referring to Baby Mateo.

Aw come on, this baby was just kidnapped!

So let’s review:

  • Jane is settling nicely with Baby Mateo, but now she is debating who should be her baby daddy: Rafael or Michael?
  • Xiomara is determined to get her Vegas marriage annulled
  • Petra inseminated herself with Rafael’s sperm, and his assistant Scott knows what she did. How will he play into all of this?
  • Some mysterious German pose the next big threat to the Villanueva family
  • Good, because this Sin Rostro plot was getting kinda old

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Susan Velazquez

Susan is a recent college grad and writer who enjoys all things from the 1980s, snarking on dumb television, and reveling in celebrity gossip. Oh, and she has serious interests like reading historical fiction, getting involved in social issues, and consuming French fries.

TV Show: Jane the Virgin

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