Sep 30, 2019
‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Did Not Need A Sequel And Neither Do These Classic Films
From Variety comes the inevitable but still terrible news that your beloved bit of Christmas treacle, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” is getting a sequel. Oh come on. Stop your whinging. You knew this was coming. There is nothing — NOTHING — that can’t get a sequel, or a rework, or some added CGI over and over again like “Star Wars.” So what is the plot for this masterpiece going to be, anyway?
Karolyn Grimes, who played George Bailey’s daughter “Zuzu” in the original, will return for the “Wonderful Life” sequel as an angel who shows Bailey’s unlikeable grandson (also named George Bailey) how the world would be if he had he never been born.
Wait. Isn’t that “A Christmas Carol?” You made the main character unlikeable just like Scrooge but then lopped off a couple of Dickens’ angels? You’re going to show the unlikeable person how the world would be if he had never been born? Wouldn’t that mean you were just showing him it was great without him? This does not seem like it will go well.
Listen. There are some things that just do not need sequels. Now, we’re not talking about the things that already have sequels because we can’t go back and un-ring the bell that was “Alien: Resurrection.” We’re talking about those movies that are cultural touchstones of certain eras and should not be fiddled with:
It’s present day, and Dustin Hoffman plays his character from the original, Ben Braddock. He’s in his 70s now and just feels like he’s lost his mojo. A CGI version of Anne Bancroft appears and explains to him what he needs to do to pull hot younger chicks. Pamela Anderson stars as his love interest.
It’s ten years later, and Andy, played again by Tim Robbins, who gains 100 pounds for the role, has turned into a fat, soft drug lord in Mexico. Red, played by Morgan Freeman, who is basically just playing Morgan Freeman because that is all he does now, shows up in Mexico to try to talk some sense into him. He brings with him a CGI version of Rita Hayworth. Soundtrack features a rave version of “The Marriage of Figaro.”
Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
Ron Paul finances this vanity project for his son, Rand Paul. It has nothing whatsoever to do with the original story. It’s just random clips of Rand’s actual filibuster interspersed with montages of Rand pumping himself up to talk: pacing, doing voice exercises, putting in a catheter, and calling Ted Cruz and telling him he’s a pussy because no one does filibustering like Rand Paul does filibustering.
To Kill A Mockingbird
Scout is all grown up and she isn’t a tomboy anymore! Kristen Stewart of “Twilight” fame plays Scout, who is now a super sexy secret agent bent on saving the world. Features a CGI Gregory Peck who teaches her how to shoot a gun.
Also, in case you were wondering, “Troll 2,” which is the best worst movie ever, is not a sequel to “Troll,” nor is it about trolls because of how it is about goblins.
Also, too, “Troll 3” is not a sequel to “Troll 2.” So, they can keep churning out any number of movies with “Troll” in the title, but they should never attempt to make a sequel to the perfect gem of awfulness that is “Troll 2.” Knock it off, Hollywood.
*This doesn’t count.