Caitlyn Jenner’s ratings are falling faster than Bill O’Reilly’s testicles. The lukewarm premiere audience of 2.7 million has plummeted to 1.3 million. Turns out no one wants to watch a 65-year-old woman on TV unless she’s solving murders at a dinner party in New England. It’s time for a reboot.

Fortunately, HNTP is chock full of great ideas.

Cait the Vampire Slayer

Each week, Cait lets fly with bon mots and spin kicks as she battles hordes of low-budget demons who are thinly veiled allegories for real-life rightwing nutjobs.

Once Upon a Cait

Every week, Cait discovers a new fairytale villain plotting against her as she transitions into the Disney Princess she’s always been on the inside. (Cinderella, of course, patron princess of transformation.)

Better Call Cait

Every week, Cait’s slow realization that her brother will never accept her as a legitimate woman drives her more deeply into the Albuquerque underworld of knitting cat sweaters. (Because she’s a 65-year-old woman, that’s why.)

Desperate HouseCaits

Every week, Cait and her sexy neighbors deal with shitty kids and shittier husbands and maybe there’s a murder mystery or something, did that narrator thing go anywhere?

The Walking Cait

Each week, Cait wonders bravely through a world filled with brain dead FOX News viewers who will sap all your intelligence and will to live if you let them.

The O’Caitlyn Factor

Every week, Cait punches Bill O’Reilly in the testicles.

Better Call Walking Cait the Desperate Vampire Slayer upon a Time Factor

Every week, Cait and her sexy neighbors let fly with bon mots and spin kicks as they wonder bravely through the Albuquerque underworld and flee brain dead FOX News viewers while helping Cait become the Disney princess she always was on the inside. Then they punch Bill O’Reilly in the testicles.

Caitlyn, let’s make this happen. We await your agent’s call.