Iran Will Protect All Citizens From Crime Of People Dancing To Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’

You love dancing to Pharrell Williams’s criminally ubiquitous song, “Happy.” Venerable civil rights hero John Lewis loves dancing to “Happy.” People all over the world love dancing to “Happy” and posting videos doing it. However, it is not cool to be Happy in Iran, even though Iran thinks it is all about that non-censorship life.


Iran’s president, Hassan Rouhani, has been making the rounds talking about how cool free speech is and how all the cool Iranians should be doing all sorts of free speeching on the Internet.

In a speech over the weekend, [he] argued that Iran should embrace the Internet rather than view it as a threat, Reuters reported. […]

“We must recognize our citizens’ right to connect to the World Wide Web,” the president said, according the official IRNA news agency. “Why are we so shaky? Why have we cowered in a corner, grabbing onto a shield and a wooden sword, lest we take a bullet in this culture war?” he asked.

“Even if there is an onslaught, which there is,” he added, “the way to face it is via modern means, not passive and cowardly methods.”

Something must have gotten lost in translation, because we do not think “modern means” actually refers to “arresting people for dancing” but maybe that is because we are filthy Westerner infidels.

Just days after Iran’s president denounced Internet censorship as “cowardly,” six young Iranians were arrested and forced to repent on state television Tuesday for the grievous offense of proclaiming themselves to be “Happy in Tehran,” in a homemade music video they posted on YouTube last month.

Did you watch the video? It is adorably inoffensive. Indeed, the only thing we are affronted by is that the young men in the video chose to wear headbands or scarves or bowlers instead of getting themselves one of Pharrell’s cool Arby’s-style hats. The Iranian government, however, was pretty concerned that just watching people skip and grin and occasionally turn a cartwheel was probably going to lead to people rutting with dogs and cats in the streets.

The report also included a warning from Tehran’s police chief to the youth of Iran not to be seduced by the filmmakers behind viral videos. The officer […] referred to the exuberant video as “a vulgar clip which hurt public chastity.”

Man, do NOT let the Iranian police see any kids performing a homemade version of Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball,” especially given that one of the existing versions is a hellscape nightmare starring Ron Jeremy. [Semi-NSFW. He’s got underwear on the whole time, but your boss might freak the fuck out if he or she sees a naked-but-for-tighty-whities Ron Jeremy astride a wrecking ball. You’ve been warned.]

Iran would probably allow one million homemade “Happy” videos if it could thwart the scourge of Ron Jeremy. Lord knows we would.


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