May 1, 2020
Imagine a world… where a documentary about abject loser Mitt Romney is coming to Netflix
One man… born with a silver spoon up his ass… risked a small fraction of his donors’ vast fortunes… for reasons that were never entirely clear…
“If you lose, the country may think of you as a laughing stock… and that’s okay.”
But only after he failed spectacularly… did he realize… that running for president sucks… unless you win…
“A recent poll said 43% of Americans are not even sure who you are.”
Which he didn’t. This winter… Mitt Romney stars… as Mitt Romney… in… MITT.
“I think I’m a flawed candidate.”
This film is not yet rated, nor should it be.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. YOUR SQUALID HOVEL — DAY
Sunlight seeps through the dirty sheets that are your curtains. Stink lines float like ghosts above cartons of Chinese food. A dead goldfish, your only friend, floats like a dead goldfish in a fishbowl, reading a newspaper. You turn on Netflix and search, like you do every day, for “MITT.”
YOU: Huh… fuh… wha?
You can’t believe your eyes. It’s there! Finally there! MITT! The documentary you’ve been dreaming of so vividly since you saw the trailer, the wonderful trailer — you weren’t even sure it was real, at first, as the sweet scent of turpentine overtook you. But it was real. And here it is. That makes it… January 24th… year of… oh, who cares!
YOU: Mitt! He haw haw. Mitt!
You mash the PLAY button. That familiar dubstep WHUMWHUMWHUM sound that lazy editors use to say “THIS IS TENSE, MAN!” fills your ears.
YOU: Huh? Fah!! Wha!!! FUCK!!!!
It’s just the trailer, again.
DEAD GOLDFISH: Ha!
YOU: Shut it.
You masturbate, dreaming of the day your dreams will be made Mitt. You wonder how many standing ovations MITT got at Sundance. You can’t feel your feet. Ah, bliss…
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