I’ll start my own Captain Planet… with hookers and blackjack!

captain planet

CRACKED.com has identified five old children’s cartoons and comic strips in need of a modern reboot for today’s audiences. For example, haven’t you always thought  Captain Planet needed more “gratuitous moral ambiguity and inexplicable angst”?

If you grew up in or around the ’90s, you’ll remember that Captain Planet was a superhero who fought pollution with the help of a gang of perky, multiracial Planeteers.

Guys, come on, that is hella boring. The reboot should make the female Russian Planeteer a stripper who murders oil barons who come to her strip clubs. The African Planeteer should now use his power of Earth to bury people alive when they’re unethically mining coltan or conflict diamonds. That kind of thing.

And our green-mulleted leader? Make Captain Planet into an internally-tortured badass who lost the love of his life, Gaia, in a deforestation accident. Once the Planeteers summon him, he is so internally tortured that he contemplates destroying all human life on the planet. It’s up to the emotionally tortured Planeteers to restrain the force they created.

Tell me you wouldn’t watch that shit.


Head over to Cracked for a 2014 take on Popeye, Power Rangers, Garfield, and Cathy.

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