The Cast of Characters:
(Lindsay Lohan). All-American girl who’s about as interesting as the cardboard tube that toilet paper comes on. Supposedly a gifted pianist, a talented writer, and the target of a serial killer who amputates limbs. What a lucky girl! But after she manages to escape the killer, she comes to believe she’s really…
(Lindsay Lohan, aussi). Your standard “hooker with a heart of gold” character, only without the heart of gold. Everyone thinks she’s just Aubrey gone batty, but Dakota is determined to uncover the truth. And somehow, having sex with Aubrey’s boyfriend is a means to this end.
(Julia Ormond). Or as Aubrey calls her, Mom. She takes her daughter’s new personality particularly hard. Through her, we learn the best way to get your mind off your daughter’s ravenous sexual appetite is to do more housework. Who knew?
(Neal McDonough). Or as Aubrey calls him, Dad. He harbors a deep, dark secret. Hey, it’s a thriller. Someone has to have a deep, dark secret, and he drew the short straw.
(Brian Geraghty). Aubrey’s boyfriend, so he shows up a lot. Not that he’ll do anything crazy, like develop a personality or anything. He gives Aubrey ridiculous blue roses, so I’ll just call him Flower Boy.
. Frankly, the only reason I bothered writing entries for the five above is because those actors got billing. That still counts for something these days. But nobody really makes an important contribution to the plot (if you can call it that), especially members of the cast not named above. And, yes, I am lumping the killer into this pile. You know you’re in for a treat when the killer in a horror movie is beside the point.
There’s an old saying in Hollywood: You’re only as good as your last movie. Unfortunately for Lindsay Lohan, as of this writing, this is her last movie. If it’s any consolation to her, it’s all her fault. Oh, she can’t be blamed for everything that went wrong with this movie. But a sturdy argument can be made that the primary reason it was inflicted on an unsuspecting public is because she agreed to star in it.
For better or for worse, Lindsay Lohan is a Hollywood “it” girl. Whatever “it” is. I Know Who Killed Me is the kind of project that would have languished in Development Hell for years, before all involved forgot about it and moved on to new projects. But once she signed on, things began to happen. Checks were written. Money was spent. Film rolled and a movie was made.
Not that director Chris Sivertson, or screenwriter Jeff Hammond should get off scot free. Hammond’s screenplay tries to disguise a piss-poor narrative with plot developments that can be described, at best, as bat-shit insanity. And as a director, Sivertson should have spent time fixing the weaknesses in the script and improving Lohan’s performance, but he seemed more interested in channeling the spirit of David Lynch. This proved difficult, as Lynch is still alive. And Sivertson is to Lynch as a five year old playing dress-up (complete with lipstick smeared from ear to ear) is to a supermodel. Look at me, mommy. I’m all growed up. Don’t I look beautiful?