Hudson Hawk (1991) (part 11 of 13)

And here we go. This is the point where the filmmakers must have gotten the good stuff in from Amsterdam. If you thought the film was weird before, brace yourselves, because we’re about to go where all the bad script ideas I’ve had at three in the morning go after I come to my senses the next morning and trash them.

That being said, I should note that I love this insane little gem of a movie. Dumb as hell? Yes. Fun as hell? Yes. If 3000 Miles to Graceland had been half as clever and ahead of its time as this film, I wouldn’t have slammed it from here to Hoboken. But this is the Agony Booth, so I come here not to praise, but to mock like a mother… mocker. Let’s do this.

Cut to the next day. Hawk, it seems, is being woken up by an electric prod to the ear. Yes, Kaplan and his merry band of CIA Zagnuts are still in the country, and have broken into Anna’s apartment. Kaplan says they knew Hawk would still be in town, because they ran the license plates on the ambulance and found out it belonged to the Vatican. Seems like a detail they should have caught in the planning stages, but I guess when the Vatican is spending all their money on glowing two-way Jesus communicators, you can’t really expect them to cross all their Ts and dot all their Is.

Caption contributed by Rori

Wake-up calls at your cheaper hotels are generally to be avoided.

After they wake up Tommy, he and Hawk have another round of smartass remarks, and if all the smartass remarks in this glorified ego trip were lined up, they’d stretch from here to Mars. Eventually, Kaplan decides to paralyze our two intrepid heroes.

Wait, that doesn’t really have enough style to it. Let’s see now, what’s better? Okay, I got it: Kaplan decides to paralyze The Smirk That Walks Like A Man, and his sidekick Tommy One-Note Performance, so Almond Joy shoots them with curare darts from a blowgun which she then proceeds to do a mini-infomercial for. She explains that being shot with these darts in the neck region causes total paralysis from the neck down. As opposed to Andie MacDowell’s condition, which is that she’s paralyzed from the neck up.

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Ed Harris

A fan of less than great cinema since childhood, Ed divides his time between writing scripts, working an actual paying job and subjecting himself willingly to some of the worst films society has produced.

Multi-Part Article: Hudson Hawk (1991)

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  • Voter

    I can’t believe how woefully ignorant youth are. That scene just flies over your head because they are classic B movie references. Like the classic pop songs.

    The talk to the dolphin line is an allusion to the late, great James Coburn’s Flint series of spy comedies. He even went on Merv Griffin like shows at the time doing a talk to the dolphins schtick.


    Agony is ignorance

  • PhysUnknown

    Another thing about the candy bar nicknames, and the idea that they have to eat their own candy bars: “Almond Joy” mentions that it’s better than when they had disease-related nicknames. What did they do then to demonstrate their nicknames?