Feb 13, 2019
Hudson Hawk (1991) (part 1 of 13)
Note from the editor: In honor of the 20th anniversary of the release of Hudson Hawk, this recap was updated on May 24, 2011 with new screencaps and new snarky comments, thanks to the special edition DVD, available now from Amazon.com!
And look for Ed Harris’ Hudson Hawk Recap Supplement, covering all the DVD bonus features, coming soon!
The Cast of Characters:
Eddie “Hudson Hawk” Hawkins (Bruce Willis). The star of our show. Allegedly, the best cat burglar in the whole damn world, as judged by (I’m guessing) the World Cat Burglar Association of America. Gets out of prison after 10 years, only to be immediately recruited by a large cast of utter nutballs into stealing Da Vinci treasures.
Tommy “Five-Tone” Messina (Danny Aiello). The Hawk’s best bud, partner in crime, and singing partner. Loud, temperamental, abrasive, and a totally stereotypical New York Italian. In other words, every part ever played by Danny Aiello.
Andie MacDowell (Dr. Anna “Block of Wood” Baragli). Mannequin-like doctor, tour guide, and all-around antiquities expert working for the Vatican, though her lack of an accent that could remotely be called European is never explained, much like the bulk of this movie’s plot. Nevertheless, she falls for the Hawk, who inspires her to make a preposterous lifestyle choice.
George Kaplan (James Coburn). The CIA agent who sent Hawk to jail, who’s back to be an even bigger pain in the ass. I guess you can assume he and his team of CIA agents are corrupt; the movie never makes it clear. But one thing’s for sure: for a guy in his sixties, Kaplan sure can kick ass.
Darwin and Minerva Mayflower (Richard E. Grant and Sandra Bernhard). He’s the leader of a corporation, she’s his hideous, unfunny wife. The services provided by the Mayflower Corporation are left to our imaginations; All you need to know is they are eeeeeevil. Smarmy and flamboyant (read: revolting), everything they do is revolting. Did I mention they’re revolting?
Is it Agony Booth Mega Recap IV already? Where has all the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that I and several of my brave fellow recappers were coming together to dissect Armageddon, a 150-minute monstrosity that we deconstructed one 15-minute chunk at a time. Who’d have thought that one not-so-simple recap would beget a franchise? Nay, a dynasty?
If you missed the Armageddon recap, and the Gigli Mega Recap, and the Fantastic Four Mega Recap, then where have you been, buddy? You don’t have to be a stranger, you know. Are they working you too hard over there… in that place where you work? Because if you had read those recaps, not only would you have enjoyed some great material, but you’d also already be well versed in how a Mega Recap works.
But, just for you, here’s how it goes: Multiple recappers come together, each recapping a brief segment of a movie. When it’s all done, the segments are stitched together like a Bill Rebane film to become one massive Mega Recap, or as I like to call it, the Voltron of bad movie recaps. It’s the ideal recap for Agony Booth readers who can’t stand a recapper’s endless, long-winded observations about a film. They want to read the endless, long-winded observations of eight people!
All kidding aside, I want to take a moment to acknowledge the hard work of all the recappers who have participated in these things. If you think the simple existence of recaps this long is crazy, then just remember this: nobody gets paid at all for their time and effort, other than seeing their name on this site and whatever kudos you bestow upon them in the forums. (By the way, have you hugged your Agony Booth recapper lately?) It truly is a labor of love for everyone involved, and I can’t thank them enough for making the Mega Recaps some of the funniest movie recaps you’ll find anywhere. If you can find a better Mega Recap on the web, I’ll refund your money, no questions asked!
Here’s a quick rundown of who’s onboard this time. If you’ve been following this site at all, you should know these names:
- Page 2 and 3 are by Jessica Ritchey, who recently recapped The Concorde… Airport ‘79, and participated in two other Mega Recaps.
- On page 4 and 5, we have Steve Pratte, who you might remember from the Fantastic Four Mega Recap this past summer.
- Page 6 and 7 brings us Rori Stevens, who recently gave the Agony Booth a well-deserved savaging of Michael Jackson’s alleged “film” Moonwalker.
- But wait, there’s more! Because on page 8 and page 9 we have our very own Jonathon Pernisek, who also threw in on the Fantastic Four Mega Recap.
- You want more? How about page 10, which brings an appearance by Torgo’s Hand, who contributed a section to the Gigli Mega Recap and also provided innumerable screencaps for other Mega Recaps?
- And that’s not all! Ed Harris boldly takes the stage on page 11 and 12, and he should know a thing or two about bad comedies after recapping the likes of The Wild World of Batwoman. This is his third Mega Recap, after Armageddon and Gigli.
- And finally, there’s me, Albert, bringing this runaway train crashing into the station on page 13.
- Call now, and we’ll also throw in Jason Sartin, a veteran of the Gigli and Fantastic Four Mega Recaps, who this time around is helping out with providing captions throughout this recap.
(And as always, hover your mouse over the pictures in this recap; a tooltip will tell you who provided the caption.)
Now how much would you pay for this Mega Recap of Hudson Hawk? Still nothing? Well, it was worth a shot. So without further ado, Let’s go, Team Agony Booth!