For those of you who simply don’t care about trivial celebrity matters or, more believably, have been without Wi-Fi for the past week, former A-list star and current F-list director Angelina Jolie has filed divorce from Brad Pitt. As the drama unfolds—Did he abuse the kids? Is she trying to shed dead weight as she makes a bid for politics?—everyone keeps talking about how Jennifer Aniston must be feeling.

For those of you who simply don’t care about trivial celebrity matters or, more believably, blocked most of early 2000s out of your mind because the fashion was just so damn hideous (two words: Contempo Casual), Jennifer Aniston was married to Pitt from 2000-2005 until he met Jolie on the set of the film Mr. and Mrs. Smith (2005) and quickly divorced Aniston to get with the weird chick who used to make out with her brother and carry around Billy Bob Thorton’s blood.

If she did that when she won a Golden Globe, imagine what she’d do if he got an Oscar.

Anyway, whether you were #TeamJen or #TeamAngelina in 2005, you’d think the media would leave Aniston out a divorce that doesn’t have anything to do with her—this time, anyway. However, Aniston’s name is still being mentioned hourly.

Our celebrity gossip team at Agony Booth (read: me) has uncovered leaked emails between Courteney Cox, Jennifer Aniston, and Jen’s new boytoy Justin Theroux on how to handle the spillover Brangelina media attention.

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Hey Jen and Justin,

Saw these dumb memes going around about how happy Jen must be about the Brangelina divorce. Isn’t it so annoying? Ugh. It’s been like 11 years and any time Brangelina gets talked about, they always talk about how Jen must be feeling. I mean, I got divorced in 2013 and no one talks about how I’m feeling.

Ever.

Not even when ex-husband got engaged again. Or when I got engaged again. Or when my TV show ended.

Like, nothing. Barely a blip in the radar.

Anyway, how should we handle this Jen?

TO: ccox@courteneycox.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: janiston@jenniferaniston.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

You know, honey, I just think we should just let this blow over. Yeah, you know, I could win an Oscar, pop out sixteen kids with Justin (BTW, we are not doing that, honey… yet), find a cure for cancer, but if Brad scrapes his knee, there’s TMZ asking how I feel about him since our divorce.

You know, honey, if anyone asks about it, just say it’s not about me, so let’s not talk about it.

Love you both!

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Got it. You know, we should really get in front of this and just tell people we’re not going to talk about it. Just in case they ask. I got a hold of a reporter from Entertainment Tonight and promised them an exclusive about how we’re handling this whole thing.

It’s funny, I could not get ONE reporter to talk about my movie that came out this May, but then Brad Pitt gets dumped and suddenly everyone’s knocking on my door, going, “Courteney! Courteney! How’s Jen doing?”

How about how I’M doing?

Anyway, Justin, what are you doing re: PR?

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, ccox@courteneycox.com

ADVERTISEMENT

FROM: jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Hey Courtney did you know your email is “c cox”? hehe

Uh I got an interview in Business Insider today to promote “The Girl On the Train” so I guess I’ll beg for Jen’s privacy there

Justin

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Justin,

Business Insider is NOT going to reach enough people. We need to tell the world not to talk about Jen. We need to be more aggressive!

TO: ccox@courteneycox.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: janiston@jenniferaniston.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Honey, you know I really appreciate all of this, but again: we should just let this all blow over. I mean, this is getting really serious for them. Think about those poor kids. Every day, some magazine spreads more gossip and we’re really just wasting bandwidth on this personal, private matter.

Jen

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

You know, you are absolutely right. We should tell the media that’s exactly why we’re not talking about it. Justin? You’re in “The Girl on the Train” which is this year’s “Gone Girl”. Surely you can arrange for a bigger magazine interview! I mean, if I was in this year’s hottest thriller and my wife’s ex-husband was going through a messy divorce and her name kept getting mentioned in it, you better believe I would be contacting ET, Insider, and TMZ to give them MY side of the story! I’ll get you some email addresses.

TO: cox@courteneycox.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: janiston@jenniferaniston.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

You know, Courteney, honey, I love you, but I’m kinda getting the feeling that you’re using this whole thing to get your name in the papers.

TO: janiston@jenniferaniston.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

What? Jen, I’m just worried about you. It hasn’t even been your day, your month, or even your year. I just want to be there for you when the rain starts to pour. I want to be there for you like I’ve been there before. I want to be there for you because you’re there for me too.

TO:  ccox@courteneycox.com, jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM: janiston@jenniferaniston.com,

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Okay, that’s just our old theme song. Leave me out of this, okay guys?

TO: ccox@courteneycox.com

FROM: jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

Wow! Your “leave Jen alone” rant on ET got picked up by CNN and USA Today. Teach me your secrets, wise one!

TO:  jtheroux@jenniferaniston.com

FROM:ccox@courteneycox.com

SUBJECT: RE: Handling Brangelina Break Up

We’re just getting started. Have your assistant call my assistant to discuss Phase 2.

ADVERTISEMENT

C. Cox