How I Learned To Like Soccer or The World Cup Is Freaking Awesome

How I Learned To Like Soccer or The World Cup Is Freaking Awesome
I always assumed soccer was boring. Then, yesterday, I watched my first soccer game ever. Or my first “football” or “futbol” or “footy” game ever (I mean “footy” sounds like a term for jacking some dude off with your toes, but whatever). ANYhoodle, I watched the first game of the World Cup, in which Brazil beat Croatia. And let me tell you something: it was a hell of a lot of fun, and not just because I would hold hands with every single player on the Brazilian team! (Sorry, Croatia, you all look like Daniel Craig went through a war.) Would you like to learn more about the FIFA World Cup along with me? Ok!

So, World Cup soccer is played with a ball on a giant field. It is brilliantly green and beautiful and bright and pretty. In Brazil they built a stadium and in the process scary-murdered people, apparently. And now Brazil is acting like everything’s fine, no worries, let’s party on the beach! Soccer is death metal for international bros.

There is a giant circle in the middle of the soccer field. I do not know why. It reminds me of the giant boob circles in hockey, which are apparently called face-off circles. God, I love hockey. Okay, anyway, back to soccer.

Everyone in soccer wears really high socks in this cute hipster way. I have been told that these socks are to hold shinguards in place, or maybe the shinguards hold the socks in place? Anyway, shins. The shins will change your life, if they snap in twain or whatever it is shins do. So soccer is pretty focused on protecting shins, I guess.

There are giant advertisements all over the soccer stadium, because sports. I do not think this is part of the game, but whatever! For some reason, a lot of the advertisements have to do with the United Arab Emirates.

Hey, did you know the World Cup 2022 is going to be in Qatar (not the UAE, Qatar is different) and they are employing slave labor to build the stadium because that’s what they do in Qatar? No? You did not know this, probably because you are an American and do not follow soccer or know what a Qatar is.

By the way, I’m pretty sure the reason we Americans don’t follow soccer is that it forces us to acknowledge that there are actual other countries in the world besides us, and that’s bothersome to contemplate. This is my theory, anyway. But we are really missing out, because these soccer stadiums are huge and fun and filled with people yelling happy things and angry things in different languages, and apparently soccer is a really life-or-death experience in a very literal fashion, and also the players are HOT and have these lower abdominal muscles that make me want to clutch my vagina!

Watch this bicycle kick (in soccer there is a thing called a bicycle kick.) It is one of the most amazing feats of athleticism I have ever seen, and it happened in a soccer match! This is reason enough to watch soccer, I think. I would freak out if I actually saw someone score a goal on a bicycle kick.

Okay, I have to go watch my football match now. Feel free to tweet your soccer thoughts at me because I love to livetweet the games! I am the best soccer commentator in the world now, FYI, so you pretty much need to follow @SaraJBenincasa and also @HappyNiceTimes. Okay! Time for soccer! I haven’t seen any cheerleaders yet, but I’m pretty sure they will show up today. Hooray!

 

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  • rebecca

    No, not ALL of Croatia looked like Daniel Craig went through a war (Daniel Craig looks like Daniel Craig went through a war), just Olic does. HI OLIC. HIIIIII.

    • NoNotThatOne

      GODDAMMIT! I’ll learn to scroll down before commenting. Sowwy.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Sorry, Croatia, you all look like Daniel Craig went through a war.Geez, that’s a little insensitive.

    • NoNotThatOne

      To be fair, from the neck up Daniel Craig looks like Daniel Craig went through a war. I wish he’d keep the beard he had in “The Golden Compass”.

  • Ambignostic

    the players are HOT and have these lower abdominal muscles that make me want to clutch my vagina!

    “CMV” damn well better become a new internet acronym.

    • Ambignostic

      Oh shit I guess CMV is also cytomegalovirus which is a herpes virus so maybe not

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        That’s okay; you’ve got the good CMV and the bad CMV.

  • Otto66

    I’ll only explain this once. Football you watch at a sportsbar. Basketball regular season you watch live, playoffs at a sportsbar, Baseball at a stadium, Hockey regular season you watch live, playoffs either at a friends house or sportsbar. And Soccer? You practice with your niece, nephew or neighborhood kids for exercise. Futbol, like the Olympics, is a momentary distraction.

    • eboe thrasher

      Perhaps if you went and watched it live, you might discover just how actually enjoyable it is, how visceral, how exciting it can be to sit in a supporter’s section where we stand and chant for the full 90 minutes of a match. Only real break is halftime. No TV breaks. None of that bullshit.

      • Otto66

        I appreciate the feedback. Thank you. However, futbol will do just fine without me as a fan. My statement stands as listed above.

  • IowaDave

    Of course, the best thing about that goal is that it was against England.

  • $73376667

    Alright, whose pic are you hoping to get emailed to you this time?

  • Alicia

    This is why shinsguards are important (warning: if not outright graphic, at least verrrrry cringe-inducing): http://p1.trrsf.com/image/fget/cf/619/464/images.terra.com/2014/06/01/6745-05311415010937646.JPG

  • (((0gham)))

    “By the way, I’m pretty sure the reason we Americans don’t follow soccer is that it forces us to acknowledge that there are actual other countries in the world besides us, and that’s bothersome to contemplate.”Nope. I don’t watch it for the same reason I don’t enjoy watching basketball – FLOPS. Oscar-worthy performances of agony and tears with one eye open and on the ref. BULLSHIT. What a bunch of drama queens. I thought they were supposed to be tough guy athletes in peak physical condition?Compare to hockey where player routinely break their hands, have the stick taped to their useless stumps, and are pushed back out onto the ice.