Feb 20, 2017
House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: Get Raymond A Nicer Office
Have you enjoyed your “House of Cards” trip thus far, a journey filled with terrible people behaving terribly in Washington D.C.? Usually you have to head over to our sister site for the seamy underbelly of US politics, but thanks to the dystopic vision of “House of Cards,” you can gorge on it over here all day. All our other posts here, and from here out, spoilers.
Shittiest office owned by a kazillionaire
Did Raymond’s entire fortune disappear, so he was reduced to officing out of a strip mall in Arlington? Dude, you have so much money that you are literally buying and selling Congress, but you’ve got this dark little hellbox with a computer monitor from 1993? Is this some sort of man of the people bullshit? Raymond has never really seemed like the kind of person that cares about a personal touch.
Most pointless subplot this season
Oh, the rise and fall of Freddy’s Ribs. First, only Frank went to Freddy, and life was good. Then many people went to Freddy, because the paper wrote about Frank going. Then Freddy got an offer to franchise his business, so he found his glock-carrying son and asked him to come work there again. Then glock-son threatens photographer with glock, franchise falls through, and Frank washes his hands of him. As an object lesson in how terrible Frank can be, it is relatively minor. The dude kills people without even blinking, so of course he’d throw over Freddy.
The most monstrous thing yet
OK, we understand that this is a show where people just kill other people for no reason and Frank and Claire move the little people around like the chessboard pawns they are, but holy fuck dude the bird-crushing by Raymond is the creepiest most vile thing yet. These are his pets. He hangs out with them ALL THE TIME. But when one makes too much noise, he literally crushes it with his bare hands. Do not fuck with Raymond. Do not even go near Raymond. Do not make a noise around Raymond. Just stay away from Raymond forever.
Can the show top bird-crush porn? We’ll see.