Apr 30, 2020
House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: Remy is Swole, Everybody
Episode seven of “House of Cards” was the last one we were able to watch before throwing in the towel Friday night and giving in to the sweet sweet embrace of sleep. Good thing we packed it in when we did, because the middle episodes of the season drag a bit. Oh, shut up you big baby that wasn’t a spoiler. Now, what comes next? Those are spoilers.
All of our past spoiler-laden posts can be found here.
Most muscular dude so far
Man, we thought Remy was just for sly conniving on behalf of whoever hires him, but turns out dude is BUILT. Motion on the table to have Remy play the rest of the season shirtless, because damn. Clearly we’re much more interested in Remy than Jackie Sharp is, as she is currently only down for the fuck and run.
Newest obsessive behavior for Frank
Frank used to play video games like they were going out of style, but now he’s not allowed to because there’s no way to create a secure internet VPN tunnel to XBox Live. Goddammit, we can put a man on the moon. Why can’t we let our Vice President play online video games? No matter. Frank has found a replacement obsession: hand painting tiny soldiers and trees and cannons in what we can only assume is a Civil War battle diorama type thing. We all need our hobbies when we’re not busy ruining everyone’s lives and killing people.
Moment most unlikely to actually occur
After an entirely unsatisfactory meeting with casino owner and Tusk minion Lanigan, Frank throws a temper tantrum and wrecks his little Civil War miniature thing. Claire suggests a run, which is often Claire’s solution for Frank’s temper tantrums. We see them running black-clad, silhouetted against the night sky, and you see Frank speed up and pass Claire and THERE IS NO WAY THAT WOULD HAPPEN. Did you SEE Frank’s pathetic attempts at sportsball? Have you seen Robin Wright in one of her million tight white dress shirts she wears on this show? There is just no way that Frank would outpace Claire.
You’ve passed the halfway mark! Congratulations!