House Of Cards Spoiler Parade Recap: Give Us That Typewriter

Here we are, and now that we’ve come to the end of our “House of Cards” rainbow, we can finally see what Frank and Claire have been scheming about all season long. Of course we’re not going to tell you what that is before the jump. We’re not monsters. Previous recaps are all here and there’s nothing but spoilers from here on out. We’ll supersize this one since it is the finale.


Morley Safer, still keeping it real


Congrats to “House of Cards” for nabbing a ton of real teevee talking heads like Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Chris Matthews. The real get, though, was to have Morley Safer show up to grill Frank on “60 Minutes,” complete with CBS logo in the bottom of the screen just like you were chilling with your 80-year-old parents watching teevee after Sunday dinner. Also, Morley Safer’s pocket square game is tight. Check that thing out.

Claire cries her face off


You guys, we don’t know how to feel about this. It looks like Claire may actually have some emotions, and we’re not sure we can deal. Claire goes to Megan, the sexual assault victim she basically goaded into testifying, but Megan has returned to a completely broken state, doped up on lithium, lank-haired, and tells Claire she wishes they’d never met. Later, Claire sits in the stairwell and cries. Not just little tears, either, but full-throated sobs. No one is there to see it, so what is this about? Is Claire sad about her own sexual assault? Is she sad she basically drove Megan back into the mental hospital? Neither of these things seem like things Claire would be sad about! We are confused and uneasy.

Item we are most covetous of


Frank Underwood’s vintage Underwood typewriter. Just look at that thing. We find it utterly improbable that Frank types his whole mea culpa manipulation to the president on that thing, but damn, we like to look at it.

The big reveal


Rachel kills Doug! She clocks him with a rock and leaves him for dead in the woods. Frank and Claire already have a new henchman — Seth — in the works, so maybe it was time for Doug to go. Nice job letting a lady get her kill on, show.

The bigger reveal


Frank Underwood is your new president, America. This long con took almost a year in “House of Cards” time, but he clawed his way from VP to POTUS like you knew he would, because he is one ruthless guy.

The biggest reveal

Season three already announced! The problem is, it isn’t actually all that interesting when Frank gets what he wants. It’s far more interesting when he’s scheming to get something. Now he’s president, so where on earth does he go from here? You’ll have to wait to find out.

TV Show: House of Cards

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