Hot New Conservative Teevee Talk Show Thing Will Fill Your Life With Laughter As You Mock It Relentlessly
Have you been wandering alone in the liebrul wilderness that is comedy on teevee, America? Stuck with your Stephen Colberts and your Jon Stewarts ramming their liberal agendas down your throat, because that is the weird thing you say every time someone says something you don’t like and what the fuck with the throat-ramming analogy anyway? Well, time to thank your lucky stars because some rando dude who writes for some third-tier network television comedy shows is here to show you how to do comedy all conservative-styley. Rejoice!
Michael Loftus, who is totally Dave Chappelle, cocaine-using-era Robin Williams, 1960s Bob Newhart, and Chris Rock all rolled into one, BOOYA, is hosting some new horrorshow called “The Flipside” for all you conservatives that feel left out of pop culture because it doesn’t spend enough time bashing the poors and the gays.
There’s a hard-hitting bro-sounding musical intro courtesy of the Foo Fighters’ “Monkey Wrench.” We’d like to think that the Foos licensed this song to these comedic geniuses as a sly joke of their own, given that the Foo Fighters are notorious Obama-lovin’ liberals.
There’s some dudes, one of whom is the superstar writer Loftus, sporting writing credits such as “Outsourced,” “The George Lopez Show,” and some show on TruTV, which is like HBO for the wacky legal news set, which we all know is a HUGE segment of American comedy.
There’s another dude, Jason Mattera, who rocks the outdated spiky hair and unattractive button-down that usually characterizes a Christian teen youth group leader.
The first time through the trailer we thought he was the same guy as Loftus, because all those dudes look alike.
There’s also Larry Elder, who we will bet dollars to doughnuts, whatever that means, is there to shill his books.
Finally, there’s a set with many hubcaps and old signs and other assorted faux-castoff items that make it look like they filmed the thing inside an Applebee’s.
With that heavy-hitting lineup of talent, the show is sure to be funny. HAHA of course it is not funny. We set out to watch the entire 30-minute premiere, but it was like the Bataan Death March of unfunny, and we had to give up. We did make it through the five-minute trailer, though, which is probably more than you’ll manage.
This is “comedy” for the perpetually aggrieved. A complete liveblog of the trailer:
Los Angeles cries out for Michael Loftus’ unique brand of conservohumor, but only in secret, because they are afraid of the mainstream media. Because of this, we need a multiplicity of voices in comedy so that the consumer can choose. Ummm, guys? You keep trying those conservative comedy shows, and no one watches them. Free market, bitches. FREE MARKET. Har har, Harrison Ford wears his wife’s earrings because Harrison Ford is like a wussy lady liberal. Liberals are rich kids that hang out in Occupy tents with iPads. Liberals are all poor stupid people that cannot afford car insurance. Liberals drink frou frou fancy coffee drinks and talk like a weird cross of gay, valley, and surfer. The government is the problem.
See? Your sides are probably literally splitting with laughter, spilling blood all over the floor as you beg for comedy mercy. Don’t just give these guys a show. Give them ALL the shows!
Seriously, right-wing comedy people, when will you learn that it is just not funny when you punch down? Having a bunch of not-poor guys sit around and mock the poor for the awesome funniness of being poor does not make for incisive comedy. An utter lack of humility or self-reflection does not make for funny.
Let’s make a pact to never speak of this thing again until it slips beneath a tide of bad ratings approximately six weeks in, at which point we will pour one out for the repeated death of conservative comedy.