Hot Bot (2016), a recap (part 8 of 8)

Previously: I offered my 13 year-old son $50 to watch this movie on the theory that, if it was made for anybody, it was made for him. He turned it off after six minutes. Also, there’s a big chase between the bad guys, two teenagers, a sex shop owner, and a robot who may be sentient. It’s unclear exactly whether she is. We do know that she has so far refused every command she’s ever been given. So, she’s either alive or running Windows Vista.

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Benny is facing off against our two FBI guys… again. We’ve already seen this fight. Just like last time, he knocks out Danny Masterson, a phrase I never get tired of typing. This time, however, Benny somehow avoids being punched to death by Anthony Anderson. He bonks him on the head with his rubber dildo and Anderson goes down as well.

They’re all running like crazy around this mansion/hotel/museum place. I’m not sure why they don’t just leave via the same entrance they wandered in through. In any case, they burst into some random room to find a bunch of guys just sitting there. If they’re FBI, they’re not doing a very good job. They aren’t guarding the big political event. They don’t even seem to have radios.

I want to say they’re the Dalton Academy Warblers from Glee, but that can’t be right. Can it?

Whoever they are, they all make the decision that they must be bad guys. Dutifully, they start chasing our heroes. Now everybody’s chasing everybody like they’re in a damn Scooby-Doo cartoon. Poor Cynthia Kirchner is still doing her best to pretend to run how she thinks a robot would run. I like to think that her sole preparation for this role came from two and a half viewings of Heartbeeps.

They’re all running down a large hallway when Bardot says to the others, “Cover your eyes. This ain’t gonna be pretty.” And she’s right. It is not pretty. She lifts up her dress and discharges a stream of lube onto the floor.

This, I definitely saw in an episode of Glee.

I don’t know what the hell they’re doing over at the Hot Bot Corporation, but they’ve built a sexbot with a lube reservoir large enough to evenly coat an entire hallway. All of the FBI guys go slipping around, with some trying and failing to grab onto the handrails. But the seven hundred gallons of Astroglide prove to be way too much for them.

“We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.”

The gang escapes to Benny’s waiting car. Some time later, they pull up to the airport. Meeting them here is Limus’ father. He’s going to escort Bardot to her gate. Where is she going? According to Limus, wherever she wants. Why? “Because if I can’t have you, they can’t have you.”

Dude, that is not the lesson you should be learning. You should be learning something about personal freedom and exceeding expectations and sex not defining you or something. Instead, your takeaway is that if you can’t have sex with the robot, nobody should? Any lesson would be better than that. You could learn the Euler-Lagrange equation and it would be more appropriate. It’d at least be less misogynistic.

This should clear everything up.

Leonard and Benny wave goodbye and drive off. And that’s a wrap for them. We never even see Benny again.

Limus, his stepdad, and Bardot are running through the airport. It’s largely empty because, seriously, would you fly to Salt Lake City if you didn’t have to? Anthony Anderson and Danny Who’s-Your-Masterson try running after them, but are stopped by airport security. They have to remove their shoes and go through the metal detector. But aren’t they actual FBI agents? Can’t they just show their badges? Or coordinate with the Salt Lake Police Department like we’ve already seen them do? Do TSA employees have this much authority over the Federal Bureau of Investigation?

Limus is saying goodbye to Bardot at her gate and… I’m sorry, but how is this a plan? Is the FBI powerless to track a person’s movements once they make it past baggage claim? Limus mentions that Bardot is flying on the accumulated air miles from his dad’s credit card. Certainly there must be a way to figure out whether someone has purchased a plane ticket, even using sky miles. Also, if you decline the charges on your card because of fraud, like Donald Faison did, I’m pretty sure they don’t let you keep the air miles.

And how did Bardot make it past the security checkpoint that tripped up the FBI guys? Shouldn’t she have set off some sort of metal detector, what with her being made of metal and all? Well, the implication is that Donald Faison, a gate agent, snuck her through security. This is not a comforting implication at all.

Oh, and I just thought of a robot reference I never worked in:

Zoie Palmer, from Dark Matter.

So they’re saying goodbye. Limus tells Bardot he loves her, which is, again, stupid. She says that she loves him, too. Then she bends down four feet and kisses him.

“Baby, I love you so much, I’m gonna coat this hallway.”

Incidentally, Bardot has completely lost her robot voice at this point. She’s just speaking normally. I kind of had hopes that this was a deliberate choice to show her becoming more human, but it just sort of starts in this scene and they never work up to to it or lampshade it as a big reveal. So, it’s just as likely that the Polish Brothers were too incompetent to ADR the scene.

Also: Johnny Five from Short Circuit.

Bardot tells Limus to own his feelings, and to own his first everything. She says, “That’s what I do.” Is it, Robot? Is it really? You’ve been alive for three days. Day one, you got hit by a car. Day two, you converted to Christianity and moved to a motel. Day three, you escaped from the FBI to go to a high school kegger. And then you were offline until half an hour ago. You’re traveling on stolen air miles. You are in no way qualified to be giving life advice.

And that’s the last we see of Bardot. And then comes the last we see of Anthony Anderson and Danny Masterson, as they’re being subjected to a cavity search by the TSA. It’s completely illogical, but it does make me happy.

‘Where is Shelly Miscavige?”

I know what you’re thinking: whatever happened to Senator Biter? He’s gone from the movie completely. Can’t he just get another robot from the Germans and do crazy, weird cantaloupe stuff with that? Doesn’t all this technology still exist? Isn’t the world about to be overrun with sentient androids who are angry about sex slavery and surprisingly susceptible to pre-pubescent Christian missionaries?

Also: This woman pretending to be a robot at CES.

And of course, there’s one last robot I forgot to reference:

John Malkovich.

Some time later—let’s say three John Malkoviches—Limus and Leonard are back frying food in their fried food place.

Limus tries to take the order of the person at the drive-thru. She doesn’t see anything she wants except “a date with Limus Huffington.” Kassidy pulls around in her sweet, red Corvette. She invites Limus to jump in and slides into the passenger seat… of her own damn car. Limus climbs through the window and the two drive off, with Limus at the wheel.

Its a movie about sex with women that hates both sex and women.

The end.

I mean it, that’s the end. And look, I’m not trying to be Betty Friedan or Alyssa Milano or anything, but can we retire the Woman-As-Trophy trope already? I mean, it’s bad enough that Limus gets the hottest girl in school as well as her car, but he hasn’t done anything to earn it. He has literally done nothing, changed in no way, and learned no lesson. And that’s even assuming the movie is about him. Leonard gets no reward at all. He’s like Chewbacca at the end of Episode IV. “Alright, you can stand here, but we’re not giving you a medal.”

Another weird thing I never got around to mentioning: Limus is the hero of the movie (or at least, the main character). But he’s not on the movie’s poster.

Leonard’s on the poster. How come he doesn’t get a consolation girl?

And that’s it. The movie’s over. Well, not exactly. Intercut with the credits are a couple of outtakes. As memorialized in the scholarly work The Cannonball Run, outtakes are a way to show how much fun the cast and crew had while making the movie. If that’s the case, then nobody had any fun making this movie. It was apparently less of a happy experience and more of a hostage situation. The most telling is when Cynthia Kirchner breaks character in the back of a car because somebody farted. She lurches for the door, yelling, “What is wrong with you fucking people?”

Indeed, Cynthia. What is wrong with you fucking people, indeed?

Jordon Davis

B.A. Political Science, SUNY Albany - 1991
Master of Public Administration, University of Georgia - 1993
Juris Doctorate, Emory University - 1996

Admitted:
State of Georgia - 1996
State of New York - 1997

Winner:
Fields Medal (with Laurent Lafforgue and Vladimir Voevodsky) - 1998

Follow Jordon at @LossLeader on Twitter.

Multi-Part Article: Hot Bot: a recap

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  • I know what you’re thinking: whatever happened to Senator Biter?

    Hey, stop reading my diary!

  • She invites Limus to jump in and slides into the passenger seat… of her own damn car.

    Well, sure. My wife prefers it when I drive her car. Of course, her car is a pink RAV4, so maybe she hates me.

  • I suppose it’s appropriate that the movie ends with both a metaphorical and literal fart.

  • lonestarr357

    Wow, does this sound not good. Thanks for taking the bullet. Hilarious recap.

    • Jordon Davis

      You really have to pull it up on Netflix and watch it. Just start at any time into the movie and go for however long you can. My record is 45 seconds.

  • Xander

    This is just… How does a person secure funding for something like this? I mean, there’s no big-budget stars, but there are some solid B-Listers. I understand that they need to pay the bills, so they’ll take what they can get to pad their imdb and secure future work, but how in the holy hell does a movie like this get enough money to rent camera equipment, much less pay for actors?

    • Jordon Davis

      I’d love to answer those questions. The movie was funded initially in 2012 by the Polish Brothers, Kate Bosworth and something called Jorva Films. It was then shelved for two years until it found a distributor in Green Apple Entertainment. They held it for two years before they somehow sold it off to Netflix in 2016. If you can get any of these people on the phone, I’d love to talk to them.

  • Olaf_the_Lofty

    The incoherence suggests that they filmed a lot more and threw it away because it was so bad/because the film was so long. How about reviewing “Heartbeeps” next? I had never heard of it, but I see it’s got a 0% rating at Rotten Tomatoes and Andy Kaufman personally offered to refund anyone who went to see it. Exciting!
    Also reading about the Euler-Lagrange equation was interesting. You don’t get that from every bad film reviewer. Thank you.

  • ppi23

    This in depth talk of A.I. & robot sex makes me think back to Kubrick’s magnum opus 2001:A Space Odyssey…and realize…that..what if….DAVE IS JORDON [Buh-BoM-BAaaah] <–dramatic chipmunk music]

  • cavalier 24601

    Congratulations on finishing this movie, because I’m certain the writers never did. It really sounds like they shot a draft script and nobody noticed or cared.

    • Jordon Davis

      Thanks. If you ever get Michael Polish on the phone, please ask him that exact question.

  • Unknown 1081

    I think either everyone needed to pay some bills, or they had pictures of the big-name actors (or a combination of both) in compromising positions; that’s the only reason to explain their involvement in this POS…