May 9, 2017
Hot Bot (2016), a recap (part 8 of 8)
Previously: I offered my 13 year-old son $50 to watch this movie on the theory that, if it was made for anybody, it was made for him. He turned it off after six minutes. Also, there’s a big chase between the bad guys, two teenagers, a sex shop owner, and a robot who may be sentient. It’s unclear exactly whether she is. We do know that she has so far refused every command she’s ever been given. So, she’s either alive or running Windows Vista.
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Benny is facing off against our two FBI guys… again. We’ve already seen this fight. Just like last time, he knocks out Danny Masterson, a phrase I never get tired of typing. This time, however, Benny somehow avoids being punched to death by Anthony Anderson. He bonks him on the head with his rubber dildo and Anderson goes down as well.
They’re all running like crazy around this mansion/hotel/museum place. I’m not sure why they don’t just leave via the same entrance they wandered in through. In any case, they burst into some random room to find a bunch of guys just sitting there. If they’re FBI, they’re not doing a very good job. They aren’t guarding the big political event. They don’t even seem to have radios.
Whoever they are, they all make the decision that they must be bad guys. Dutifully, they start chasing our heroes. Now everybody’s chasing everybody like they’re in a damn Scooby-Doo cartoon. Poor Cynthia Kirchner is still doing her best to pretend to run how she thinks a robot would run. I like to think that her sole preparation for this role came from two and a half viewings of Heartbeeps.
They’re all running down a large hallway when Bardot says to the others, “Cover your eyes. This ain’t gonna be pretty.” And she’s right. It is not pretty. She lifts up her dress and discharges a stream of lube onto the floor.
I don’t know what the hell they’re doing over at the Hot Bot Corporation, but they’ve built a sexbot with a lube reservoir large enough to evenly coat an entire hallway. All of the FBI guys go slipping around, with some trying and failing to grab onto the handrails. But the seven hundred gallons of Astroglide prove to be way too much for them.
The gang escapes to Benny’s waiting car. Some time later, they pull up to the airport. Meeting them here is Limus’ father. He’s going to escort Bardot to her gate. Where is she going? According to Limus, wherever she wants. Why? “Because if I can’t have you, they can’t have you.”
Dude, that is not the lesson you should be learning. You should be learning something about personal freedom and exceeding expectations and sex not defining you or something. Instead, your takeaway is that if you can’t have sex with the robot, nobody should? Any lesson would be better than that. You could learn the Euler-Lagrange equation and it would be more appropriate. It’d at least be less misogynistic.
Leonard and Benny wave goodbye and drive off. And that’s a wrap for them. We never even see Benny again.
Limus, his stepdad, and Bardot are running through the airport. It’s largely empty because, seriously, would you fly to Salt Lake City if you didn’t have to? Anthony Anderson and Danny Who’s-Your-Masterson try running after them, but are stopped by airport security. They have to remove their shoes and go through the metal detector. But aren’t they actual FBI agents? Can’t they just show their badges? Or coordinate with the Salt Lake Police Department like we’ve already seen them do? Do TSA employees have this much authority over the Federal Bureau of Investigation?
Limus is saying goodbye to Bardot at her gate and… I’m sorry, but how is this a plan? Is the FBI powerless to track a person’s movements once they make it past baggage claim? Limus mentions that Bardot is flying on the accumulated air miles from his dad’s credit card. Certainly there must be a way to figure out whether someone has purchased a plane ticket, even using sky miles. Also, if you decline the charges on your card because of fraud, like Donald Faison did, I’m pretty sure they don’t let you keep the air miles.
And how did Bardot make it past the security checkpoint that tripped up the FBI guys? Shouldn’t she have set off some sort of metal detector, what with her being made of metal and all? Well, the implication is that Donald Faison, a gate agent, snuck her through security. This is not a comforting implication at all.
Oh, and I just thought of a robot reference I never worked in:
So they’re saying goodbye. Limus tells Bardot he loves her, which is, again, stupid. She says that she loves him, too. Then she bends down four feet and kisses him.
Incidentally, Bardot has completely lost her robot voice at this point. She’s just speaking normally. I kind of had hopes that this was a deliberate choice to show her becoming more human, but it just sort of starts in this scene and they never work up to to it or lampshade it as a big reveal. So, it’s just as likely that the Polish Brothers were too incompetent to ADR the scene.
Bardot tells Limus to own his feelings, and to own his first everything. She says, “That’s what I do.” Is it, Robot? Is it really? You’ve been alive for three days. Day one, you got hit by a car. Day two, you converted to Christianity and moved to a motel. Day three, you escaped from the FBI to go to a high school kegger. And then you were offline until half an hour ago. You’re traveling on stolen air miles. You are in no way qualified to be giving life advice.
And that’s the last we see of Bardot. And then comes the last we see of Anthony Anderson and Danny Masterson, as they’re being subjected to a cavity search by the TSA. It’s completely illogical, but it does make me happy.
I know what you’re thinking: whatever happened to Senator Biter? He’s gone from the movie completely. Can’t he just get another robot from the Germans and do crazy, weird cantaloupe stuff with that? Doesn’t all this technology still exist? Isn’t the world about to be overrun with sentient androids who are angry about sex slavery and surprisingly susceptible to pre-pubescent Christian missionaries?
And of course, there’s one last robot I forgot to reference:
Some time later—let’s say three John Malkoviches—Limus and Leonard are back frying food in their fried food place.
Limus tries to take the order of the person at the drive-thru. She doesn’t see anything she wants except “a date with Limus Huffington.” Kassidy pulls around in her sweet, red Corvette. She invites Limus to jump in and slides into the passenger seat… of her own damn car. Limus climbs through the window and the two drive off, with Limus at the wheel.
I mean it, that’s the end. And look, I’m not trying to be Betty Friedan or Alyssa Milano or anything, but can we retire the Woman-As-Trophy trope already? I mean, it’s bad enough that Limus gets the hottest girl in school as well as her car, but he hasn’t done anything to earn it. He has literally done nothing, changed in no way, and learned no lesson. And that’s even assuming the movie is about him. Leonard gets no reward at all. He’s like Chewbacca at the end of Episode IV. “Alright, you can stand here, but we’re not giving you a medal.”
Another weird thing I never got around to mentioning: Limus is the hero of the movie (or at least, the main character). But he’s not on the movie’s poster.
And that’s it. The movie’s over. Well, not exactly. Intercut with the credits are a couple of outtakes. As memorialized in the scholarly work The Cannonball Run, outtakes are a way to show how much fun the cast and crew had while making the movie. If that’s the case, then nobody had any fun making this movie. It was apparently less of a happy experience and more of a hostage situation. The most telling is when Cynthia Kirchner breaks character in the back of a car because somebody farted. She lurches for the door, yelling, “What is wrong with you fucking people?”
Indeed, Cynthia. What is wrong with you fucking people, indeed?