May 9, 2017
Hot Bot (2016), a recap (part 6 of 8)
Previously: I advised men not to place their penises into fruit that’s been heated to 38 degrees above boiling, and someone in the comments section objected to it. Also, a sexbot is being chased by a United States Senator and two teenage boy, but mostly the penis thing. Please don’t boil your penis.
Limus and Leonard are trapped in the trunk of a car. This would be a problem if Leonard didn’t have a frickin’ chainsaw. That’s how he cuts his way out of the trunk. I realize that compared to the last fifteen minutes of this film, this is an episode of Cosmos. Still, please don’t climb into the trunk of a Camry with your best friend and then start a chainsaw. It’s just common sense.
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Some time later, Limus and Leonard are working in their fast food joint when Rodney pulls up in his red Corvette. Bardot is sitting next to him, which means he only drove up to taunt them. Rodney sure knows a lot about Limus’ work schedule.
Seeing Bardot just going along with all this, Limus asks, “What did you do to her?” Rodney sneers, “Everything you couldn’t.” So, did he have sex with the robot? I guess with having a fifteen inch penis, he kind of needs her. No human woman could ever live through that sort of ordeal. It would be like being force-fed a bowling pin.
Cut to Rodney’s party. And it’s exactly like every high school party I’ve ever been to: hundreds of kids blasting music, and drinking enormous amounts of alcohol in a gated mansion. My high school parties were exactly like this and were in no way comprised of eight kids from my AP Calc class huddled around a nickle bag of oregano and two-thirds of a Zima.
You know what? I’m going to give the movie this one. The wild teen party is a staple in sex comedies: Can’t Hardly Wait, Easy A, Sixteen Candles, Risky Business, Enter the Dragon, The Bodyguard, Belle Epoque… the list is endless.
Bardot and Rodney are dirty dancing. Or at least Rodney is. Cynthia Kirchner, expressionless, is moving her entire upper body as if it’s one piece. It’s like she’s wearing an invisible neck brace. I’m sure that was her acting choice and the Polish Brothers were, like, “Yeah, go with it.”
Rodney tries to kiss Bardot, which she seems neither into nor particularly aware of. His girlfriend Kassidy spots them, walks up and slaps Rodney on the face. Then Bardot slaps Rodney as well.
I’m baffled. Did Rodney not know his own girlfriend would be at the party? Even if he thought she wasn’t going to show, did he actually trust all those high school kids not to tell her? And why did Bardot turn on him? He’s behaving exactly the way he did when they first met.
Kassidy runs outside to find Limus and Leonard skulking around. “Limus,” she cries, “I just walked in to find Rodney cheating on me with that totally fake girl!” It is not at all clear whether she or Rodney know that Bardot is a robot, but Bardot still sounds more like a Dalek than a human being.
Rodney runs outside, followed by Bardot and the entire high school. He grabs Limus and Leonard and shoves them down in the snow. Then he takes off his belt and prepares to whip them with it. I’m not sure why. They have nothing to do with his current problem.
Bardot, for reasons that are never actually explained, has had enough. “Leave my boys alone,” she commands. Then she punches Rodney right in the face. She punches him again, flips him in the air, stomps on his crotch, and then unleashes a flurry of jabs that knock him out. “Next time,” she advises, “pick on boys your own size.”
I am literally begging Michael Polish to call me and explain what this scene is about. Bardot had just decided to stay away from Limus and Leonard for their own good. Sure enough, she witnesses once again that when she’s involved, they get hurt. So why does she side with them this time? And does it bother anyone else that she just furiously attacked a child? Self-defense is one thing, but the Hot Bot Corporation put a robot out on the market that will punch teenagers unconscious. That’s a lawsuit right there.
Thankfully, Rodney sees the error of his ways, and later he’ll swoop in just in time to save Limus and Bardot so they can be together. “I don’t deserve her,” he’ll say, “but you two deserve a chance.” I’m kidding. We never see Rodney again. Whatever the hell he was supposed to represent in this movie, he’s done representing it.
The last fifteen minutes of this movie have been disturbing, but these next couple of scenes are by far the most confounding. Logic just gives up and wanders off to get a soda, like me trying to finish an entire giant Jersey Mike’s sub. Or a bowling pin. They both work.
Limus’ parents are opening mail at home. They get to the credit card bill and discover a charge for $76,000.00. Donald Faison demands to know what Angela Kinsey has been buying. The answer is not a Tesla Model S. Instead, she asks, “Who’s going to the Colonial Motel?”
I’m not sure where to start. Bardot has been online for three days at the absolute most. In that time, the Hot Bot Corporation received some sort of information from her, billed Limus’ dad $25,000 per day, and the credit card company paid it, printed out a bill, mailed it to Salt Lake City, where it was delivered and opened.
First off, mad props to the United States Postal Service. Their goal is to deliver 100% of the mail within three days. I’m not sure what percent they’re delivering in thirty minutes. Second, if Bardot is sending back usage information to Hot Bot, how come they can’t find her? At no point during the all-night coding sessions did any programmer think to type in, “Where the hell are you?”
And Hot Bot is charging $25,000 a day for the use of their robot. That’s a down payment of $500,000 plus an additional $9.125 million dollars a year. For that price, you get a defective robot that punches children, refuses to have sex, and runs off with the first guy who owns a red Corvette—all while still billing your credit card.
Limus’ parents, rather than wonder what a Hot Bot is, or why the Germans think Americans will pay ten million dollars a year for one, get fixated on the Colonial Village Motel. They spend a while accusing each other of cheating. The kids kept Bardot there for one day. I don’t know how much a crack house in Utah is, but the Colonial Motel in North Conway, New Hampshire looks very nice and they charge $82 a night. They’re arguing about $82 worth of a $76,000 bill. Also, not to be pedantic, but Benny rented the room before Limus and Leonard got there. Did Benny have Limus’ credit card?
Donald Faison insists he didn’t have an affair. He says he thinks somebody stole his identity. That’s a pretty reasonable assumption, seeing as they ran up a bill equal to a remodeled two bedroom condo in Park City. Angela isn’t buying this “excuse.” Donald finally turns it around, asking if she’s been to the Colonial Motel. She responds, “Not in a long time.”
So, there was a time when Limus’ mom was meeting men in crack dens? Is that why she and Limus’ biological father got divorced? I don’t know. I do know that, with this line, Angela Kinsey’s character has been outlined as a judgmental, religious hypocrite who’s actually kind of a slut. Mind you, I’m not slut-shaming the character. I’m acting-shaming Angela Kinsey. In the absence of direction, she just reverted back to the same character she played on The Office.
Quick Office question: If Angela’s favorite song was “Little Drummer Boy”, why does she get married to “Sweet Child of Mine”? Please let me know in the comments. This has been bothering me for five and a half years.
Bardot is driving Limus and Leonard to what I suppose is some sort of destination when she spots Biter’s FBI guys following them. She says, “The men in black are back.” I don’t remember anybody calling them that in her presence, but I don’t remember them having any ability to track her, either. At that exact moment, Limus’ dad puts a hold on his credit card. Bardot’s HUD flashes “Credit Card Declined” and she immediately goes offline, crashing the car and damaging her central processor for good measure.
So I was wrong when I said Hot Bot was charging $25,000 a day. They appear to be billing by the second, because that’s how long it took from freezing the card to Bardot being told she’s no longer on the clock. That means Hot Bot is submitting 3,600 separate $0.29 charges every hour. Seeing as credit card companies charge vendors about 1.5% plus $0.10 per transaction, that means that Visa is getting something like $8,640 in processing fees alone per robot per day every day. You can rent a private island for about a tenth of that.
In the next scene, Limus and Leonard are sitting in front of all four of their parents. It appears Anthony Anderson and Engram Masterson grabbed Bardot, because she’s not around and the parents never mention her. They’re glad that the kids weren’t hurt in the car accident, but they really want the boys to explain the $76,000 charge to Hot Bot.
I’m a little worried that the parents aren’t more concerned about the car accident; specifically, why they were both in the back seat, what happened to the driver, why the trunk was ripped apart with a chainsaw, and what any of it might have to do with the hot pants lady that was living in their daughter’s playhouse.
Also, I briefly thought Leonard’s father was played by Ray Liotta.
Leonard’s mother think she has everything figured out. “It’s obvious,” she says, “the boys are in love with each other.” That is… not at all obvious. Homosexuality in no way explains 259,200 separate $0.29 charges to a German robot manufacturer. It also in no way explains the rampant homophobia displayed by not-Ray Liotta. He promises to “fist-fuck” the boys “if your son’s stick is in my son’s mud.”
Limus assures them that the two are not in love with each other. That causes this actual dialogue to occur:
Limus’ Dad: So what you’re saying is that it’s just a sexual thing?
Leonard’s Dad: And I totally get that.
Limus’ Dad: Absolutely. In camp, there weren’t a lot of girls. We’d go on long hikes and sometimes play tip-to-tip.
Leonard’s Dad: Tip-to-tip.
Limus’ Dad: Tip-to-tip.
No wonder Ray Liotta turned down this part.
The parents are okay with gay sex, but not gay love. This is a very strange position to take. It’s like Anthony Kennedy trying to cobble together a majority in Lawrence v. Texas. Am I right? Where my Fourteenth Amendment bitches at? All you shorties say, “Yeah!”
This movie has clearly broken me.
Also broken is Bardot. Biter’s got her laid out on a prep table in a kitchen somewhere. She’s mouthing incomprehensible robot nonsense while bleeding white stuff from her mouth, just like Ian Holm in Alien. Biter orders her to be fixed. “Wipe her clean,” he demands. The weird thing is who he’s demanding this of.
Next time: We find out what Limus’ dad does for a living, Kassidy somehow becomes even less realistic, I make several astute observations about Obergefell v. Hodges, and I run completely out of robot movies to reference and have to switch to Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Also, the movie might end. I don’t know if it will, but we can always hope.