Mar 31, 2020
Hot Bot (2016), a recap (part 3 of 8)
Previously: The Polish brothers got their hands on some filmmaking equipment again.
Now two teenagers are face-to-face with a naked robot. And the robot says…
Bardot: Which of you wants to fuck me first?
And then the two boys argue about it, including whether the other one gets to watch. She ends up alone with Limus in his room. He’s very nervous—shaking, actually—as she tries to climb on top of him.
And what the hell is going on? Her voice is double-dubbed. I mean, she sounds like HAL singing Daisy. So, these guys have to know she’s a robot. Their first thought should be amazement that they found a working android, not, “What can we stick in it?” Limus basically treats it like an actual person who just happens to get turned on by car crashes and pubescents.
Also, I realize there’s no law against boys having sex with robots (maybe being hit by a car damaged her ability to tell the ages of those around her), but it’s still weird. It’s just so weird. Imagine if instead of 17, they were 12. Imagine if an adult-looking male robot said to your teenage daughters, “Which of you wants to fuck me first?”
Cynthia Kirchner is crawling all over Limus in a completely naked way that never actually shows us anything. He appears to be having a cardiac episode. And then we see a timer from the robot’s point of view indicating that the free demo mode is about to expire. It does, and she basically just dies right on top of him. And if I had a nickel for every time this happened to me, I would have no money whatsoever.
Limus screams and Leonard rushes in with his chainsaw. It’s at this point that Limus pieces together the fact that the beautiful adult woman who wanted to have sex with the children who hit her with a car… just might be some sort of robot.
And I guess we have to discuss the problem with Cynthia Kirchner. The problem is she can’t act. I mean, she can’t act at all. Her IMDb page is suspiciously empty for a person whose Wikipedia page describes her as, “an American film, television and stage actress, screenwriter, stand-up comedian and fashion model.” The same entry seems to end in 2016, with the latest news being that she was pursuing her doctorate at Columbia University. It doesn’t say what she wants to be a doctor of, although I think we can all agree it’s probably not endocrinology. “You have diabetes?” “Yeah, but it’s okay. I’m seeing the android from Hot Bot.”
Senator Biter, in his office, is yelling at Anthony Anderson and Scientology Mc(alleged)Rapeface. They assure him that if anyone turns the robot on, they’ll be able to trace where she is. But she was on, so what words are they saying? We also find out that “Bardot” was worth $500,000.00. That’s it? I’d have guessed closer to fifty million. I am not a good robot price guesser.
Leonard is driving while Limus attempts to dress Bardot in his mom’s clothes. They pull up to a place in a strip mall called Electric Beach Tanning Salon. And I can assure you none of those four words is true because inside it is a straight-up sex shop. The absolute sketchiest human being on earth (David Shackelford) is showing off an enormous double dildo to two female customers. He then demonstrates how it turns into a set of nunchucks.
Remember, this is a movie that has almost no nudity. We certainly never get to see Cynthia Kirchner’s actual goods. But the Polish brothers thought it was important to show us the penis capital of Utah. And let me be clear: there is no reason for this. It could have been an electronics store or an Arby’s or the Pentagon. David Shackelford doesn’t need help being sketchy. He’s made a career out of being sketchy. Here he is being sketchy in Kingpin in 1996.
Leonard and Limus bust into the sex shop to talk to Shackelford’s character, Benny. This scares away the female customers which leads to Benny and Leonard having a physical wrestling match. Limus breaks it up, telling Benny that they found something and they need his help.
So Benny is somehow a robotics expert, which is almost as baffling as my main question: How do these kids know him? It cannot be legal for them to even be in his store, which, let’s remember, is located in Salt Lake City. So do they know him from church? Was he the leader of their mission to Uganda? As always, pick the explanation that offends you least.
Benny’s got Bardot laid out on the display case in the store. He goes looking for an on switch while Leonard swings one of her legs over his shoulder. He discovers that the robot comes with wifi. This allows him to download her very, very long instruction manual. The manual, incidentally, says that Bardot is a learning machine that becomes more human the longer she’s active. Limus continues reading: “She will process her own original thoughts the more she experiences. She will form her own opinions.”
And now I’m just angry. Why would sentience be something anyone would want in a sexbot? It seems like it would actually make things more difficult. Also, since they’re reading this from the company manual, this means that the Hot Bot Corporation knew it had perfected AI. And the best application they could think of was tugging on lonely millionaires for $500,000.00. Lawrence Livermore Labs has a supercomputer worth $100 million. They could just buy 200 hotbots instead, and teach them that what really makes men horny is accurately modeling plasma physics.
In yet another tremendous leap beyond the bounds of logic, Benny figures out that she requires a credit card. After some argument, Limus hands over his dad’s credit card. Benny slides the card between her lips and Bardot comes back online. So her lips are supple enough to feel real but still read the magnetic information on a card. And what if it were one of those new chip cards? Where would they have to stick that? Also, she was shipped to Senator Biter to own. Why would the owner then have to pay to use her? The Hot Bot Corporation has the same business model as Xbox Gold.
At least this nonsense alerts Biter’s goons as to Bardot’s whereabouts. They track her to Benny’s store, which they call “Save On Sex”. And I feel obliged to point out that Benny’s store was actually named Electric Beach Tanning Salon, because if nothing else gets fucked in this movie, it might as well be continuity.
Before Black-ish and Rape-ish can make it to Benny’s store, Limus and Leonard take Bardot… shopping. They do a shopping montage. There’s no reason why I (or anyone held at a CIA black site for that matter) should have to watch this. So, here’s the shopping montage from Pretty Woman instead. And, hey, bonus! It features Larry Miller!
‘Nard and Limus are driving with Bardot. She’s busy pointing out nearby motels, and quoting their rates. But Limus’ plan is to take her back to his house and read her instruction manual. Well, mostly. He also says he may be too busy, implying that he still intends to bone the robot. As she gets out of the car, Bardot says she can’t wait to see Leonard again. And then she ends with, “To know me is to fuck me.” Apply whichever school of philosophy you want—communism, utilitarianism, stoicism—you will never get that sentence to make sense.
Limus brings Bardot inside his very normal looking house. He puts on some music to set the mood with, you know, the robot. He’s still very nervous. They begin to dance. We see the scene from Bardot’s perspective and it’s just as insane as you’d imagine.
So, she’s tracking Limus’ heart rate and erection status while reviewing ballroom dance lessons. The weirdest part, though, is the toolbar. It’s shaped like a penis. Why is it shaped like a penis? There’s no reason for that. There’s no reason for an android to have a HUD to begin with. It would just know all this information. But at least Schwarzenegger’s T-800 display wasn’t shaped like a penis (although, to be fair, that would be totally on-brand).
Before anything can actually happen, Limus and Bardot are interrupted by his mother. She sees an apparently adult woman with her teenage son and the first thing she says is not, “Hey, nice hooker.” Instead, this occurs:
Mom: You have company. Who do we have here?
Limus: A friend.
Mom: And does your friend have a name?
Mom: Very exotic. Is it Chinese? What does it mean?
Bardot: No means no.
Mom: Limus, you know our rule. No girl in your room.
Limus: Mom, please. You’re being a cock block.
Mom: What did you just say to me?
Bardot: He’s implying you’re preventing his penis from entering my vagina.
There’s just so much here. First of all, Limus’ mother doesn’t recognize the word “no”. That’s odd. Bardot’s explanation, though is bizarre. “No means no” might be a way for humans to express a sexual concept, but to a robot it would just be a meaningless tautology.
Then there’s an argument about Limus having girls in his room, which first of all, I can’t believe has ever been a problem before, and second, they are not in his room. They’re in the living room. And this all ends with Bardot basically saying to a teenager’s mom that she intends to have sex with a child.
And none of this—none of it—is the crazy part. The crazy part is that Bardot’s voice is still completely robotic. It’s, like, “Greetings, Professor Falken“-level robotic. This causes absolutely no concern on the part of Limus’ mother. At no point does she piece together that she’s talking to what is clearly an android. Zoltar from Big made a more convincing human.
But for all the lunacy of the last minute of film, there is one last bitter piece of news I have to give you. You see, Limus’ mom is…
Next Week: We go to a weird bible class and the Polish brothers do their best to ruin Scrubs.