Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Here Is How Homosexuality Is Different From Alcoholism

Talking brunette Ken doll Rick Perry said something great the other day: “I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.” To put his remarks in context, context does not matter when you say a thing like this. But it occurs to me that maybe Rick Perry is just confused and going through a phase, and needs the light of Happy Nice Time People to show him The Way. Therefore, I’ve put together a quick primer for Rick Perry on how the glorious pageant that is homosexuality is actually very different from the tragic disease that is alcoholism.

Let’s note here than when I talk shit about alcoholism, I am not talking shit about the alcoholic. The alcoholic suffers from a disease, and I am not in the habit of blaming people for their own diseases (as an agoraphobic depressive panicky person, I’d be up shit creek without a Xanax if I thought my brain problems were somehow my own fault. They aren’t. They just happen and I deal with ’em as best I can.)

Anyway, here is a thing for Rick Perry to read, and I guess you guys can read it and share it amongst yourselves as well, if you like. These are reasons in which homosexuality is definitely not the same thing as alcoholism.

1. Homosexuality is good, whereas alcoholism is bad.

Being gay is great! Or at least I’d guess that it’s great; I’m hotnicesmartpersonsexual, which means I only fuck hot, nice, smart people (gender does not matter here so long as you are hot and nice and smart) so I can’t pretend to identify as gay. Alcoholism, on the other hand, is shitty and awful for the alcoholic himself and for the people around him or her. It is not a moral failing; it is a genetic disorder that can be managed but not cured. Homosexuality does not need to be cured, because homosexuality is wonderful.

2. Homosexuality creates families; alcoholism tears them apart.

Because they are sometimes rejected by their family of origin, queer folks often have to create a family of choice. This can mean looking after an ailing neighbor, shacking up with a dear friend, even adopting a child in need. Homosexuality creates new families, not always out of blood relation but out of love. That’s a beautiful thing. Alcoholism can cause a rift in families and friendships. It fucks people up. It destroys some of the artists and leaders we most admire. It wrecks lives. That’s a terrible thing.

3. Homosexuality is fun; alcoholism sucks.

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? It is many things — inspirational, disturbing, lifesaving, comforting, boring — but it is not what I would call “fun.” Have you ever been to a gay pride parade? It is perfect and amazing and exactly what I would call “fun.” When gay people are actually given the freedom to be their true selves, they take it to the limit of what the known world calls “joy” and then push it even beyond said limit into the stratosphere of amazingness. Alcoholics drink too much and say stupid, mean shit and make bad choices. Getting sober is one of the most difficult things I can possibly imagine, and my admiration for recovering alcoholics is immense. But they’re overcoming their alcoholism, which I will again remind you is a bad thing (alcoholism, not recovery.) Gays don’t need to overcome shit, except the soft prejudice of people like Rick Perry (and the hard prejudice of much of the world). Also, have you ever had gay sex? It’s so much fun, perhaps even more enjoyable than relying on alcohol as a crutch to get through life! Given the opportunity to eat sex box or do a shot of tequila, I’d pick the box every time (except on Cinco de Mayo, the Lord’s Day.)

Well, anyway, that’s probably all the time Rick Perry has to read loving angerblogs about geigh secks, so I’ll stop soon. My point is this: when we compare a disease to something that is not a disease, we make some people think a not-disease is a disease. And that is a bad idea.

Recovery from alcoholism is a difficult and admirable thing. It’s ugly to watch sometimes, and wonderful to watch at other times. I imagine it’s very difficult and doesn’t feel particularly amazing, especially at first.

Recovery from homosexuality is impossible, because homosexuality is wonderful and should be encouraged rather than “cured.” That’s right; I said homosexuality should be encouraged. Put that in your near-beer and guzzle it down, Rick Perry.

Drink it the fuck up.

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