These Homemade Cat Treats Almost Killed Our Writer

These Homemade Cat Treats Almost Killed Our Writer

“You should make homemade cat treats.” Everything that happened after this helpful suggestion by a thoughtful reader went spiraling down a garbage chute. You know how persuasive health conscious pet owners can be, though. “I make my own dog food,” and, “Mr. Poopsie Puss loves my liver treats. It’s so easy!” These are examples of the kinds of pranks foodie-pet lovers like to play, and I wish I could press charges.

Making cat treats was the most disgusting test kitchen experiment in the history of this blog. It went from corn meal and egg yolks to wretchedness in no time flat. Things like canned mackerel, the Pig-Pen of fish, were puréed. Chicken liver, too, and no matter how many times I kept saying “rumaki rumaki rumaki,” it did not help.

You want to know the recipe? Here is the most pertinent thing to carry with you:

As I go over the ingredients in my mind, it’s all I can do to keep the dry heaves from getting carried away.

I can’t believe I kneaded FISH DOUGH in my KITCHEN! My CONDO, the HALL – all the way to the ELEVATOR – smelled like BAKED GARBAGE. Hey, and guess what else!? MY CATS WOULDN’T TOUCH A THING!

Poor Bebe and Marbles. I don’t blame them for rejecting chum cookies. My cats are used to treats that come in a bag from the store, not the kind that are sickening for me to prepare. Telling them to forget about their favorite treats makes about as much sense as telling a little kid to forget what birthday cake tastes like. If you’re going to make treats for your cat, you go right on ahead. But you better do it while they’re kittens, before they know any better!

I don’t have fancy cats, either. They are from a shelter, and they will Hoover the floor for interesting debris any chance they get. Plus, there is the whole “licking their butt” thing. If they would not eat the treats I made, imagine how repulsive these things must have been.

Cat treats are not something cats should have for every meal. That’s why they’re called treats, right? A treat is “something special.” The very word implies a delightful indulgence. Therefore, your honor, my girls are going to have real treats now and then. They will have a bite of bacon, and they will get to taste my yogurt. If they want to tear the Odor Eaters out of my shoes and bite them into bits, I will make sure I supervise the whole deal so they don’t choke. FINE. So help me God, this is the best I can do.

To everyone who encouraged me to make cat treats, know this. I would drive anywhere, on a moment’s notice, to find your place of employment and make up lies about your past. If a retaliation of some sort seems possible and sort of legal, we are ON.

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  • TheLifeSilica

    Funniest Mojopo article yet? Yes.

    • Mojopo

      You are a sweetheart – thanks ever so much!

  • Mahousu

    Here is my easy-peasy recipe for cat treats:Ingredients: 1 package smoked salmon.Directions: Open package, remove somewhat less than the amount that will make your cat sick, and serve.

    • Mojopo

      I think this is wonderful! If anyone jives you into the holistic swing of things, hold them accountable.

  • BigRedDog

    I woulda totally ate that. Cats are thankless bastards.

    • Dragoon21b

      I believe that is one of the Websters definitions of “Cat”

  • BigRedDog

    You had me at FISH DOUGH.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    They’re probably pretty good if you take some of those flavor trippers.

    • Mojopo

      I love and respect you, but please don’t make me imagine getting these treats near my face. I can’t handle it!

  • Dragoon21b

    My cats definition of “Treat” is the stuff they steal from the dogs…Who then look at me as if they expect me to do something about it

  • D G

    Purrfect article, really kneaded it for the end of the day today, meow.

  • Annie Towne

    Heroic, MJ!

    • Mojopo

      Girl, that was a trial! Never again. I’d rather get punched in the neck. Thanks though!

  • msanthropesmr

    I have my favorite recipe for home made dog food.1) Open package of hot dogs.2) Give dog a hot dog.

    • Mojopo

      Hey you! Thanks for the tip on Venezuelan food in NYC. I went, and it was sooooo worth the wait. Brilliant meal, and the gourmet popsicles/shaved ice joint next door is crazy good! I would love to back engineer their gazpacho. We had about half the menu.

      • msanthropesmr

        Yeah man – Caracas rocks pretty hard. I’ve been experimenting with homemade tortillas recently – so the next step is some pupusas, arepas, and gorditas… I’ve got my carne asada recipe down to fill these treats with..

        • Mojopo

          Sounds amazing. Hope you share it someday! Having visited Caracas, I trust your taste completely.

  • marindenver

    So I mean the pet stores have countless types of cat treats that my cats completely snub. Seems like a lot of effort to make something that they will snub probably harder. ;-) Thanks for the cautionary tale!