May 3, 2018
Hit or miss? Predictions for every new show on FOX this fall
Not too long ago, original cable programming was limited to Silk Stalkings and Clarissa Explains It All, and Netflix was a sound your little brother made while pretending to speak Klingon. In those dark times, Americans would openly weep tears of joy when Premiere Week returned each fall to save them from summer reruns.
The four major broadcast networks may have lost a bit of luster since those halcyon days, but the Agony Booth TV squad is still excited to preview and predict the fates of all the new shows debuting this fall. We’ve already covered ABC and CBS. Now, it’s FOX’s turn in the hot seat:
Yes, that Lethal Weapon.
Premieres Wednesday, Sept. 21.
Winston – The original Lethal Weapon had a great premise, and kind of by default, this show does too, but I doubt a network series can maintain having a suicidal lead character for an entire season. I give it four episodes before Riggs is on Prozac. CANCELLED.
Julie – Lethal Weapon… that’s that Mel Gibson film series, right? Remember the good old days, when Mel Gibson was still kind of hot, in a Sexy Dad sort of way, and we didn’t know yet that he was a Big Ol’ Crazy Racist? No? That’s okay, neither does anybody else. CANCELLED.
Marion – So did they hire writers to rehash the movie, or is there an app for that? CANCELLED.
Susan – Aren’t we getting too old for this shit? CANCELLED.
Rick – FOX learned nothing from Minority Report. CANCELLED.
Odds of survival: 0%
Yes, that The Exorcist. (What is Geena Davis doing here?)
Premieres Friday, Sept. 23.
Winston – All four (yes, there were four) Exorcist prequel/sequel movies flopped, so this is what we’ve come to: a bland, generic demonic possession TV show that’s The Exorcist in name only until we hear “Tubular Bells” over the closing moments. Well, that’s actually just an educated guess, because I couldn’t make it through the two-minute trailer without dozing off. CANCELLED.
Julie – Just in time for the new school year, FOX has given every parent with a slightly grumpier, greasier-haired freshman home for Thanksgiving break a reason to consult their local parishioner. The Catholic Church must be thrilled. RENEWED.
Marion – “There is a fate worse than death.” Yes, it’s called being a woman over fifty in Hollywoodland. Alfonso Herrera as the sexiest Catholic priest since Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds, those maddening tubular bells, foggy cinematography ripped off from the film, and lots of quasi-religious nonsense. RENEWED.
Susan – It’s American Horror Story for broadcast TV. RENEWED, duh.
Rick – Only because FOX has such a low bar for success will this be RENEWED.
Odds of survival: 80%
At last a genuinely original show! The first woman to ever play for a major league baseball team faces sexism and broken nails.
Premieres Thursday, Sept. 22.
Winston – Hey look, it’s that AT&T U-Verse commercial, only now it’s a series. The disclaimer at the beginning that this was made with the full cooperation of Major League Baseball should be all the warning you need: Expect a maudlin, effusively positive series that never takes any real shots at the sport it depicts. CANCELLED.
Julie – “I’m a robot. And I’m malfunctioning!” Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m as much for women’s equal rights as the next gal, but that line took me completely out of the trailer. I just kept thinking about how much better this series would be if the lead character were played by an actual malfunctioning robot… a female one, of course. CANCELLED.
Susan – I remember seeing a TV spot for this and thinking, “This looks surprisingly good for a Lifetime TV movie.” Maybe that’s what it should have been. CANCELLED.
Marion – Like Susan, I saw a preview of this at the movies, which is exactly why I hardly ever go to the movies anymore. CANCELLED.
Rick – It’s like an after-school special stretched out to an entire TV season. CANCELLED.
Odds of survival: 0%
In Ron Paul’s wet dream, the Chicago Police Department is no longer a government service, but one billionaire’s privately owned security force. So it’s like RoboCop, but without all those stupid, boring robots.
Winston – There’s no way this guy has any chance of cleaning up crime in Chica–Wait, he’s got an app, you say? Basically, this looks like the cop version of that Pure Genius medical show on CBS, where the cases include whatever this week’s trending technology happens to be: I mean, dude uses drones to fight crime, and how can that not be totally awesome for our civil liberties? CANCELLED.
Julie – Oh look! It’s the anti-MacGyver! A modern day, one-percenter, less funny Inspector Gadget! Big Brother is watching… you get CANCELLED.
Marion – This may be this year’s Blindspot: a show that seems so ridiculous, cheesy, and thinly plotted that it can’t possibly succeed… and yet. So I’m going to be the contrarian and vote RENEWED.
Susan – Is that it? Rich white guy uses his fancy toys to catch criminals? I would have preferred another season of Almost Human instead. CANCELLED.
Rick – FOX really, really wants a sci-fi police procedural for some reason. It’s not gonna happen, FOX. CANCELLED.
Odds of survival: 20%
Son of Zorn
A (mostly) live-action sitcom about a cartoon barbarian from a video game trying to raise a son and hold down a job in the real world.
Premieres Sunday, Sept. 25.
Winston – Despite the wacky premise, it’s ultimately another show about an older, out-of-touch office worker trying to adapt to the sensibilities of Millennials. But the trailer provides a few laughs, and with the animation twist and He-Man references, it seems likely this one will gain a small but fierce following. RENEWED.
Julie – If you’re the product of procreation between Cheryl Hines and an animated warrior that looks like a cross between He-Man and Ronald McDonald, shouldn’t you look at least half animated? Like, have a gnarly animated arm or leg or something? I mean, that’s just basic genetics! Anywhoo, I laughed at this trailer more than I did at anything else I watched in this year’s batch of pilots. So, RENEWED.
Marion – It’s like some lame boyfriend you don’t break up with because he’s kind of a jerk but he makes you laugh. RENEWED.
Susan –It fits perfectly with FOX’s Sunday comedy lineup and with my sense of humor. Also, how great is it going to be seeing Artemis Pendabi every Sunday night? RENEWED.
Rick – This might’ve made an okay Saturday Night Live sketch. CANCELLED.
Odds of survival: 80%
We want to hear your predictions in the comments!